Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the CFN or are they?

35 replies

Maeb · 13/04/2018 13:09

Trying not to drip feed so this maybe long. This maybe the most petty/boring CFN feud but it has escalated and I don't know how to resolve it.

We lived here for 9 years. NDN have lived here for 40years and have their 50-odd year old daughter and her 3 kids living with them.

We used to get on okay - they, the husband in particular was a bit (too) chatty, but DH& I kept our distance as he was a bit full on ( a little racist, sexist, homophobic, moany git!).

It all started 4 years ago, One morning I lit a bonfire in the back garden. About 30 mins later I noticed NDN was calling me from over the fence, yelling that I had ruined his washing (on the washing line). I apologised profusely, said I'll put out the fire and offered to re-wash their laundry for them. When I first went out there was no washing on the line but I know I should have knocked on their door. I was going to but as their car was not in their driveway I didn't - so my bad.

Anyway, he didn't listen to my apologies and just kept ranting at me until I snapped something along the line of "you need to get a hobby'. I regret this but I didn't swear or say anything else.

Afterwards I tried to be friendly but he either gave me dirty looks or just ignored me, I tried apologising again but he called me evil :) Again I thought/hoped he would just get over it with time. The wife and daughter were still okay with us.

However, before Christmas my husband has had a run in with NDN over some issue which ended with him telling DH to fuck off. It was nothing contentious but something that he needed to be aware of, however he took offence and started swearing at DH didn't rise to it but just calmy reiterated his point, Neighbour then said "She's put you up to this hasn't she". and since then the daughter and mother ignore me or cross over the road to avoid me (!).

This was bad enough but since Christmas they have started putting their rubbish in our bins. Over Christmas there were extra bags in our landfill bins, and now we get fast food wrappers and cartons in our open recycle bins at least a couple times a month.
This really pees me off as I don't want to touch some skanky food waste, plus our council are quite on I I haven't sorted out the waste.

After the first few times, I started picking it out and leaving it by their front door. This is probably petty but why should I just meekly dispose of their rubbish for them? Again I've tried speaking to them about it but I'm 'evil' and petty.

So am I the CFN or are they? How do I de-escalate this without this turning in to an Eastenders Christmas Special?

I was thinking of taking some flowers around later today with a card asking can we start again but I'm worried that they'll just start screaming at me on the doorstep....should I just leave it?

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 13/04/2018 13:13

I would leave it and bring my bins onto my property where they couldn't use them.

ElsieMc · 13/04/2018 13:15

Crikey, just leave it op. You have been more than reasonable. I live in a small village where near neighbours don't give a damn about lighting a huge bonfire and messing up everyone's washing. You didn't do this intentionally and more than made up for it by apologising and offering to re-wash. Not many people would do this.

Can you not place your bins elsewhere so they don't get to access them. They are entitled and rude. Please don't take flowers round because it makes it look as though you are in the wrong when you have already apologised for the bonfire.

It is awful to have horrible neighbours and I have found over the years that the best thing you can do is ignore but stand my ground at the worst behaviour.

Fluffyears · 13/04/2018 13:16

Leave it and get gravity locks for your bins, they open when bin is tipped. Don’t engage, if he starts ranting simply walk
Away as you don’t have to listen.

Piffle11 · 13/04/2018 13:17

I think if you take flowers and a card you're going to be setting a precident: they will know that they can screech, call you names, etc and that at some point you will give in and try and smooth things over. I understand that you want things to calm down, but they don't seem like rational people. Keep your distance. Like Senorita said, can't you keep your bins on your property?

T2517 · 13/04/2018 13:17

Can you put bin in your garden until collection? Otherwise just leave it because it could escalate into real unpleasantness

Mydoghatesthebath · 13/04/2018 13:19

Leave it and move your bins.

honeysucklejasmine · 13/04/2018 13:19

Yes, gravity locks.

Bonfires are annoying but you were more than generous in your apology. He is the CFN.

MissMorkansAnnualDance · 13/04/2018 13:21

How do you know it's them using your bins?

The first point, well, you made a mistake, they got narked, you apologised, job done.

The second point is a too vague to know who was being U/CF.

Unless you have proof that they are using your bin, then you putting rubbish outside their door is just as CF.

PinkCalluna · 13/04/2018 13:21

I agree with Fluffy leave it and buy gravity bin locks.

Be polite and civil time you encounter them.

NoCanoe · 13/04/2018 13:21

Never reward unacceptable, ignorant bad behaviour.
It never helps you.

TSSDNCOP · 13/04/2018 13:31
  1. Well you were wrong, he was wrong to bang on, you made the wrongness worse.
  1. Who knows, you've given no real context.
  1. Leave you bin in your garden/garage/locked. Why would you need to touch anything in a bin anyway Confused
SuitedandBooted · 13/04/2018 13:33

Move or lock bins. I wouldn't take flowers round, as unreasonable people will just see this as an admission that you were wrong, and they are entirely right!

dejectedharry · 13/04/2018 13:34

We keep our bins in the garage to stop our psycho neighbours putting things in it. Has been amazing! Except when the neighbour tried to break into the garage to fill the green bin up with grass but my DP soon sorted that one out.

StaplesCorner · 13/04/2018 13:35

I've had a few neighbour disputes in my time, definitely leave it. Get locks for the bins or move them so CFN cannot access. Neighbour disputes are not subject to normal morals and rights and wrongs.

dejectedharry · 13/04/2018 13:36

Also I will add we tried gravity bin locks and he turned the bin upside down to get into them! Obviously doesn't work when full but he was hoarding rubbish to put into our bins once the bin men had collected.

Juells · 13/04/2018 13:37

Like others say - move your bins or lock them.

PrettyLittIeThing · 13/04/2018 13:38

I also wouldn't take the flowers round. How do you know it was them using the bins?

Original poster
Maeb · 13/04/2018 13:44

Hi thanks for the responses. I just want it to end. I don't understand feuds - life is too short. Even if we're the worst people surely it's just easier to be polite and pretend it's okay - you can always silently seethe behind closed doors!

Yesterday I approached the Mother/Grandmother and asked if they could not do this again. She got a bit arsey and said it's just the kids, so it's definitely them. That's why I left it for so long but they're not idiots and after the first 6 times surely they would know not to do it. I think it maybe the NDN's daughter as she seems a bit firey (we've seen her arguing in the road a few times).

Unfortunately the recycle bins are open crates with out lids and we can't move all the bins to the back as our gate isn't wide enough (we have 2 wheelies - they have 4!). They treat the shared side path as theirs and keep their broken furniture, Christmas tree (still there), etc, there.

I was being vague on the incident with my husband as it would be a bit outing, but suffice to say it wasn't a provocative thing and hubby wasn't being antagonistic, but NDN got defensive and sweary.

How would we sell ever our house if this is ongoing? We're not planning on moving for a couple of years but what would we say to prospective buyers if they asked?

OP posts:
WhatATimeToBeAlive · 13/04/2018 13:46

Personally I'm all for sorting things out. I had a massive fallout with an NDN, who has now moved, and it was awful. I had to look out before I left the house as I didn't want to see her, we didn't speak, I didn't want to even go in our garden. I put a note through her door asking if we could talk as I didn't want to live like this, and I was sure she didn't. She came round and we sorted a lot out. We were never going to be best mates but at least we were polite to each other after that and I felt much happier in my home.

Original poster
Maeb · 13/04/2018 13:51

TSSDNCOP - in our area we have to sort our waste into various recycling, food and landfill and there can be penalties for not sorting it correctly. So I obviously have 'touch' their rubbish to get it out of the wrong containers.

OP posts:
PinkCalluna · 13/04/2018 13:52

Personally I wouldn’t buy a house with a shared path full of broken furniture. I wouldn’t even get as far as asking about the neighbours.

Shizzlestix · 13/04/2018 13:52

I’d approach and say the using of your bin needs to stop, you don’t want to escalate, but they need to have more consideration. Be extra calm, no raising of voice. Don’t apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong.

ColonelCakes · 13/04/2018 13:57

Can you take your recycling bins around the back? Then put gravity locks on your wheelie bins.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/04/2018 13:57

. When I first went out there was no washing on the line but I know I should have knocked on their door. I was going to but as their car was not in their driveway I didn't - so my bad.

Eh? so they went out and put their washing out after you lit the bonfire? Didn't they think "Hmm smells a tad smokey out here" and rethink .
What you should've done was kill it stone dead with "I was here with my bonfire first" but obviously it only works if you burn things at the appropriate times . Round our way it's supposed to be after 6pm. (But no bugger ever obliges Hmm )

Original poster
Maeb · 13/04/2018 14:00

WhatATimeToBeAlive - thanks. That would be great for me. I don't want to be best (or even) mates with them but I think it's so silly to go out of your way to ignore people or wind them up. They (or we) could get locked out or have an emergency and it would seem stupid not to be there.

So no to the flower but what if I leave it for a few days maybe i'll send a card just to the NDN wife, asking her to talk?

OP posts: