Am I the CFN or are they?

[Maeb]

Trying not to drip feed so this maybe long. This maybe the most petty/boring CFN feud but it has escalated and I don't know how to resolve it.

We lived here for 9 years. NDN have lived here for 40years and have their 50-odd year old daughter and her 3 kids living with them.

We used to get on okay - they, the husband in particular was a bit (too) chatty, but DH& I kept our distance as he was a bit full on ( a little racist, sexist, homophobic, moany git!).

It all started 4 years ago, One morning I lit a bonfire in the back garden. About 30 mins later I noticed NDN was calling me from over the fence, yelling that I had ruined his washing (on the washing line). I apologised profusely, said I'll put out the fire and offered to re-wash their laundry for them. When I first went out there was no washing on the line but I know I should have knocked on their door. I was going to but as their car was not in their driveway I didn't - so my bad.

Anyway, he didn't listen to my apologies and just kept ranting at me until I snapped something along the line of "you need to get a hobby'. I regret this but I didn't swear or say anything else.

Afterwards I tried to be friendly but he either gave me dirty looks or just ignored me, I tried apologising again but he called me evil :) Again I thought/hoped he would just get over it with time. The wife and daughter were still okay with us.

However, before Christmas my husband has had a run in with NDN over some issue which ended with him telling DH to fuck off. It was nothing contentious but something that he needed to be aware of, however he took offence and started swearing at DH didn't rise to it but just calmy reiterated his point, Neighbour then said "She's put you up to this hasn't she". and since then the daughter and mother ignore me or cross over the road to avoid me (!).

This was bad enough but since Christmas they have started putting their rubbish in our bins. Over Christmas there were extra bags in our landfill bins, and now we get fast food wrappers and cartons in our open recycle bins at least a couple times a month.
This really pees me off as I don't want to touch some skanky food waste, plus our council are quite on I I haven't sorted out the waste.

After the first few times, I started picking it out and leaving it by their front door. This is probably petty but why should I just meekly dispose of their rubbish for them? Again I've tried speaking to them about it but I'm 'evil' and petty.

So am I the CFN or are they? How do I de-escalate this without this turning in to an Eastenders Christmas Special?

I was thinking of taking some flowers around later today with a card asking can we start again but I'm worried that they'll just start screaming at me on the doorstep....should I just leave it?

You started this feud by starting a bonfire which is a pretty selfish thing to do unless you have acres of land and it’s not near the neighbours, ruining their washing and then tell him to get a hobby when he was understandably really annoyed. Then they’ve escalated it ten fold with the rubbish and other stuff.

The upside is that you both have things to apologise for so if you ask to talk and sincerely say you’re sorry for the initial falling out, hopefully they’ll follow suit and apologise too.

You've tried being reasonable and it didn't work. Actively displaying being a fucking doormat will only make things worse. Shove their shit back in their bins and just ignore them altogether. You don't have to say anything to buyers as there's no formal dispute, you're just not friends. Tbh if I was selling the house I'd probably take their shit to the tip for them from the shared drive while they were out, and deny all knowledge if asked but as for pacifying the arse sods, just no. They have a hobby, being arses to you.

Hang on, shared path, if they don’t own it they shouldn’t clutter it up with their crap. Move it, and put your bins on your own property out of their reach.

Stop lighting bonfires. Who feels the need to do that in a suburban garden? And now they you have them gunning for you, just ignore them?
Why was your DH getting into further altercations with them?!

Is it just the wheely bins that won't fit through the gate? If so, get the locks for those and then keep the open crates in the garden.

They've been unreasonable, though it's hard to know whether you have been too as it's all a bit vague. But if you want to de-escalate it then I think you just need to let all of the past disagreements go.

I hope the wife will be willing to talk to you calmly and sort things out.

Unfortunately the recycle bins are open crates with out lids and we can't move all the bins to the back as our gate isn't wide enough

Can you or DH build a lockable shelter for them? I've seen them for wheelie bins.

Apart from that, they sound like a bloody nightmare!

70isaLimitNotaTarget - I know! I was burning really dry twigs and stuff in an incinerator bin at the bottom of the garden (20 metres from the house). There was very little smoke and it wasn't blowing in the direction of the houses. They're all heavy smokers so perhaps they didn't notice anything at first.

In all honesty, he still had a right to be annoyed with me but after apologising several times I think he was just spoiling for an argument. He always used to moan even when he was friendly!

you spoke to them yesterday about the rubbish. Why would you send them a card now? That will make things worse.

Did you tell her that the rubbish has to stop?

StaplesCorner, yes, I did tell her about the bins, I was really polite and she was huffy and said I being petty. I just want a way of diffusing this. It seems to be escalating and it's just daft. I suppose just ignoring each other is the way to go though.

Maeb, no to the flowers, but maybe get a bottle of wine in to share! Leave a couple of days for the dust to settle. I think my neighbour was relieved as well that I wanted to clear the air. It was a bit awkward to start with but we didn't shout and scream at each other, it all became rather civilised! Good luck.