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Original poster

To tell her how much she has hurt me...

40 replies

LoveAGoodNameChange · 13/04/2018 11:36

Sorry, this might a long one but I really need some advice. Name changed for this as it could be outing but been here for years.

I have an old friend who I was really close to around 10 years ago. We were like sisters and got ourselves into some ridiculous situations.

Over the years, our lives moved in different directions but we stayed in contact and went on holiday together etc. She was my only bridesmaid 5 years ago.

Since meeting my DH, my life has changed quite dramatically. I was a bit of a good time girl when I was younger and had some crazy time. I've calmed right down since meeting DH and finishing university (post grad). We now have children, a nice home, professional jobs etc. Life is good. My friend's life is quite similar to how it was a few years ago in terms of job and home etc, but she has recently had DC. She is a lone parent, which is relevant.

Whenever I met up with this friend, although we had a nice time, there was always a few digs about being posh now etc and she always reminds me of the crazy days and stupid stuff we got up to. This makes DH a bit uncomfortable as some of the stuff is a bit cringy but he just makes himself scarce when she starts reminiscing. I'm not a massive fan of these walks down memory lane as I realise now that I was in a really dark place at the time, but I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, I'd just rather not be associated with 'that girl' iykwim.

Anyway, since I had DC she hasn't shown much interest but then she found out she was pregnant with her DT, I tried to be really supportive. She's on her own and I know how difficult it can be when your a new mum. I went up and helped her when she moved to a new house (she lives 4 hours away), bought really well thought out presents for her and sent her msgs after the DT arrived asking if she needed anything. I did this a few times but I just got the feeling that she didn't want me around. Rather than make it weird, I thought the friendship had just waned and although I was sad, I was ok to back off. When I didn't get an invite to her DT christening, I really felt that was the last nail in the coffin for our friendship. I was really hurt but I accepted that the friendship didn't mean as much to her and have moved on.

However, every now and again, she tags me in memories on Facebook saying she misses me etc. She hasn't sent me a direct msg, or arranged to meet up or anything. Why would she tag me in stuff and say she misses me etc but not actually want to meet up... I don't get it! I don't want to appear rude and ignore the msg as it's on my wall for all to see but I have no idea what to say to her!

WIBU to msg her and say that I miss her too but I think our lives have moved on? How would word it without sounding like a twat? Especially considering the friendship has been one sided for years and she was the one who cut me out etc.

It's all so bloody juvenile! If she doesn't want to be my friend then stop tagging me in stuff saying she misses me. If she does want to be my friend then why make it so awkward and weird!

Angry
OP posts:
Original poster
LoveAGoodNameChange · 13/04/2018 11:36

Oh god, that was long! Sorry!!Confused

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 13/04/2018 11:40

hhmmm honestly I wouldn't message her to "break up" I'd just ignore the FB tags, if she wants to talk to you she could call or message you

WhitePhantom · 13/04/2018 11:50

Sounds like she misses the "old" you and doesn't feel comfortable with the "new" you. She wants things to be the way they used to be, but of course that's not possible.

I think either just ignore her fb messages or put some non-committal reply ("How life has changed!" or "We had a good laugh" or something like that)

ssd · 13/04/2018 11:52

she misses the wild girl you used to be and shes a bit jealous and pissed off how things have turned out for you but not her

QuiteChic · 13/04/2018 11:59

Why keep her as a friend on Facebook ? If she isn't in RL, then surely you could unfriend or even block her and then you wouldn't even know that she was 'tagging' you - would you ?

rainbowduck · 13/04/2018 12:03

Relationships are a two way thing. Why have you not messaged her up to now? Sounds like you have outgrown each other but neither has been bothered enough to keep the friendship alive.

I would just leave it. Unfollow her on Facebook. No need for drama.

octonaught · 13/04/2018 12:03

Just unfriend her. Facebook is not an obligation.
She's probably now jealous of your stable life. You've been a good friend to her in the past. Some friendships just peter out.

JustDanceAddict · 13/04/2018 12:04

I think she misses the old times, but is disinclined to meet up now for whatever reasons. I occasionally get tagged on FB in a ‘nostalgic ways’ by old friends who I don’t really see any more, as we have different lives/have moved on. I usually reply ‘yeah, we had fun’, or whatever. Noting wrong with being FB friends only, but I think the RO friendship ship has sailed.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/04/2018 12:08

I think I'd just message her and say 'I miss you too, we were nuts back then! how things have changed!'

To me it sounds like she's trying to reconnect with you, but is doing it slightly awkwardly.

(from a mum who lost a connection with her friend because for several reasons our lives changed... but so did we. She's still my best friend but rather than doing tequila shots together, we treat each other to dinner and shamelessly slag off our partners/the world/anything we can. Nothing is as uniting as a good dinner and a gossip.)

Find a new thing that you can share. Best of luck OP.

bimbobaggins · 13/04/2018 12:12

It sounds like you are embarrassed by her and the life you used to live now that you have your “nice home “
Just unfriend her on Fb then you won’t have a problem

fearfultrill · 13/04/2018 12:13

I would just 'like' what she puts on my Facebook.

SomeKnobend · 13/04/2018 12:15

Unfriend, unfollow, block or change your settings so you have to approve tagged photos before they show on your wall. She doesn't miss you, she misses who you used to be and is sad you both grew up. Don't indulge.

PugwallsSummer · 13/04/2018 12:15

Just let it fizzle out naturally. You have both changed and your lives have moved on, you're not geographically close and your efforts to stay in touch following the birth of her twins have not been reciprocated.

For what it's worth, I imagine she is not having an easy time as a lone parent with twins. She may feel that you can't relate to her struggle with your "posh" new life with your husband. The "trips down memory lane" sound like a PA way to bring you down a peg or two, and I would suggest that she is probably a little jealous of how your life has turned out in comparison with hers.

I had a friend who enjoyed "reminding" me of some of the questionable things I did when we were in our teens. It never failed to make me feel bad about myself (and she knew this), she also had an extensive line of PA put downs about how I "landed on my feet" finished the uni course she dropped out of and got a job in this field I think when meeting with a "friend" leaves you feeling shit, it's time to call it a day. I don't miss mine at all.

TheJoyOfSox · 13/04/2018 12:19

Just block her on fb. If she texts you to ask why you’ve blocked her, tell her what you’ve just told me. If she doesn’t understand you’ve lost nothing.

Sadly great friendships do fizzle out sometimes so I do hear what you’re saying, but you don’t owe her anything.

Cliveybaby · 13/04/2018 12:22

Maybe tagging you is her "reaching out", and she's waiting for you to reply?

DaisyDoo80 · 13/04/2018 12:25

I love reminiscing with my friend about our child and relationship free days, we had so much fun! I'm not ashamed of that past now that my life has changed.

It sounds as though you are embarrassed by your past? I think she is trying to reconnect with you but if you don't want to then just remove her as a friend.

mogonfoxnight · 13/04/2018 12:27

I agree with the pp, it sounds like she misses how things used to be, she misses that part of you (which you don't miss). She might find it hard to relate to you how you are now. Or maybe thinks you are judging her. She may move into a new phase too, and you might reconnect then.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/04/2018 12:29

I get that impression, that she wants things how they were, and you how you were all that time ago, and of course people change. Just ignore it, if you want, delete her from FAcebook or unfollow her, so you don't see pictures on your timeline.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/04/2018 12:30

It sounds like you are embarrassed by her and the life you used to live now that you have your “nice home “

I'd guess that she feels like this. She'd like to be friends but she knows she doesn't fit in.

Unfriend her, if you want to end things. Being Facebook friends is not mandatory.

Happyandshiney · 13/04/2018 12:31

I wouldn’t text her to break up.

As a twin mum I cannot imagine doing it as a single parent. If her twins are still babies her life is unimaginably hard right now.

I suspect she is reminiscing about the old days when she was free and unencumbered.

Her messages and tags aren’t really about you they are about how easy her life used to be.

I think the kind thing to do would be to respond to the tags saying “let me know when you want to get together”

She won’t organise anything, because what she really wants is to borrow a time machine for the evening.

I remember occasionally feeling that way myself. I loved and adored my DH and my wonderful babies but sometimes quietly grieved for the life that was now in the past.

bryheresse · 13/04/2018 12:33

Why not change your Facebook settings so that when people tag you in things, it doesn't get immediately posted on your wall, and you get to review it first?

pictish · 13/04/2018 12:33

I would just ‘like’ the tagged stuff and not give it another thought. You’ve gone your separate ways, which happens. It’s easy to share something on facebook...it doesn’t really mean anything if it’s not backed up elsewhere. If she was that bothered she’d be getting in touch and making arrangements.
Treat is as the throwaway moment it is and acknowledge it with a like before forgetting all about it.
There’s nothing to agonise over here.

rocketgirl22 · 13/04/2018 12:38

I have friends that try to hold me in the past too, and it is quite suffocating. You don't have to stay the wild girl if you don't want to. She needs to respect that you have changed.
It seems to be something they want, to keep the flame of the past alight. Maybe she felt her connection to you lives in the past, struggling to bring it up to date now you have different lifestyles. She sounds a bit envious too, it is embarrassing mentioning your posh house etc

You were great friends once, but your lives have moved on and in such a different directions I doubt you will find much common ground for this friendship to have meaning or depth.

You may find that you have more common with your newer friends.

Decide what you want to do, block or unblock accordingly.

Storminateapot · 13/04/2018 12:49

Friendship isn't a binary thing, why do you have to be best mates or unfriended & unfollowed? There's middle ground where it waxes & wanes. She misses the fun, wild days. You don't particularly. Neither of you is right or wrong in that. Just like her tags or write 'fun times' and leave it at that.

Maybe as your children get older you'll pick it up again. My oldest best friend & I are going through a bit of a lull at the moment. Busy lives, different directions etc. I still care about her & want to know what she's up to. I don't feel I must send her a break-up message & unfriend her because we aren't in touch much at the moment.

He11y · 13/04/2018 12:50

Why would people unfriend or block her for tagging a friend in old photos? That seems overly harsh to me! She’s not done anything terrible for goodness sake!

Sounds like she’s not having the easiest life and probably feels she’s not good enough for you any more, especially if your husband avoids her when she talks about the past.

Unless this is happening all the time then I don’t see what the problem is, although you saying everyone else can see this on your wall is revealing - it’s obvious you feel she’s an embarrassment and I’m sure she will have picked up on that.

If you can’t decide how to respond, change your settings so you have to approve any posts you are tagged in. Or message her and say everything you’ve said here and see what happens. Or just like her posts. Either way, there is no need to unfriend or block her like she’s done something awful!

If your other Facebook friends would judge you for things you did years ago then maybe it’s them you need to unfriend...?

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