To tell her how much she has hurt me...

[LoveAGoodNameChange]

Sorry, this might a long one but I really need some advice. Name changed for this as it could be outing but been here for years.

I have an old friend who I was really close to around 10 years ago. We were like sisters and got ourselves into some ridiculous situations.

Over the years, our lives moved in different directions but we stayed in contact and went on holiday together etc. She was my only bridesmaid 5 years ago.

Since meeting my DH, my life has changed quite dramatically. I was a bit of a good time girl when I was younger and had some crazy time. I've calmed right down since meeting DH and finishing university (post grad). We now have children, a nice home, professional jobs etc. Life is good. My friend's life is quite similar to how it was a few years ago in terms of job and home etc, but she has recently had DC. She is a lone parent, which is relevant.

Whenever I met up with this friend, although we had a nice time, there was always a few digs about being posh now etc and she always reminds me of the crazy days and stupid stuff we got up to. This makes DH a bit uncomfortable as some of the stuff is a bit cringy but he just makes himself scarce when she starts reminiscing. I'm not a massive fan of these walks down memory lane as I realise now that I was in a really dark place at the time, but I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, I'd just rather not be associated with 'that girl' iykwim.

Anyway, since I had DC she hasn't shown much interest but then she found out she was pregnant with her DT, I tried to be really supportive. She's on her own and I know how difficult it can be when your a new mum. I went up and helped her when she moved to a new house (she lives 4 hours away), bought really well thought out presents for her and sent her msgs after the DT arrived asking if she needed anything. I did this a few times but I just got the feeling that she didn't want me around. Rather than make it weird, I thought the friendship had just waned and although I was sad, I was ok to back off. When I didn't get an invite to her DT christening, I really felt that was the last nail in the coffin for our friendship. I was really hurt but I accepted that the friendship didn't mean as much to her and have moved on.

However, every now and again, she tags me in memories on Facebook saying she misses me etc. She hasn't sent me a direct msg, or arranged to meet up or anything. Why would she tag me in stuff and say she misses me etc but not actually want to meet up... I don't get it! I don't want to appear rude and ignore the msg as it's on my wall for all to see but I have no idea what to say to her!

WIBU to msg her and say that I miss her too but I think our lives have moved on? How would word it without sounding like a twat? Especially considering the friendship has been one sided for years and she was the one who cut me out etc.

It's all so bloody juvenile! If she doesn't want to be my friend then stop tagging me in stuff saying she misses me. If she does want to be my friend then why make it so awkward and weird!

It depends on what you want to achieve out of telling her I guess. I would just mute her on FB and move on

I think it’s a typical friendship past it’s sell by date. Life moves on and you go in different directions. I have several FB friends like this. At the time of becoming friends, we shared circumstances, but since moved apart. It’s all very well occasionally liking photos, but bar past events, you have nothing in common. With mine, I’m just very low contact/neutral.

She misses the life you shared together, thats all, nothing wrong with that, friendship is fluid and you may in the future regain what you had, why "break up " with her, leave the door open for when your children have all grown up and you can do things with her again?

Sorry if this really isn't helpful, but I see where you are coming from and thought I would mention that I deleted FB years ago. It's really helped.

Most people on there aren't real friends anyway, and now I have regular contact with the few genuine ones I have. I would rather spend my time going out to lunch in RL than being tagged by people I don't speak to on the internet.

I know FB is useful for staying in touch but so is email, Skype, WhatsApp etc. You seem like a sensible, successful happy woman, don't be part of her childish games Xx

I get that impression, that she wants things how they were, and you how you were all that time ago

Agree, as her life hasn't worked out the way she expected and she yearns to go back to before it all went wrong, before she made some poor decisions, and as a single mum to twins has limited options and/or struggles to have the energy to do something about it.

Completely natural for her to feel that way, her self esteem is probably rock bottom and she may have felt she was a burden to you after her twins where born and you helped out. Could be a reason why she didn't contact you as she was really struggling to cope and didn't want to be a nuisance anymore and you confirmed that by not being in contact with her?

The lack of invite to the christening could have been because you had lost touch with each other and she thought you weren't interested?

But basically I think your lives have gone in completely different directions and you probably have little in common anymore, but it would be kind to like her posts or put a little friendly comment in now and again for the friend you once knew.

I miss people I no longer want to have in my life
Missing someone or something is a normal emotion
It sounds as if your friend realises you cant be a friend to her that she wants right now and I cant help thinking ( just from the way you write in your post so could be completely wrong) that you come across as a little smug. Maybe that's how she sees it too

Single mum of twins after an early wild life of answering to no one?

That says it all really.

Her then and now could not be more different especially as her partner in crime, you, has changed so immeasurably.

Sounds like she is up the creek without a paddle and her life is about wistful thinking of the you and her before the life change.

Happyandshiny has hit the nail on the head

Honestly OP, it sounds like you have changed more than your friend. You are embarrassed by things in your past and your DH doesn't like when she comes over and talks about it. Your friend has probably picked on on the change in atmosphere and yes, maybe feels you look down on her now.

A ten year friendship is worth talking it out. I would arrange to meet in person and just put it all out there. Talk. Then there may be a friendship still to have, just with a better understanding of where you both are in life now.

I wouldn't comment OP, I think she genuinely misses the old you, but that's no longer who you are, nor who you want to be.
I think we all reminisce, and we all miss some people, some of the time, but we don't necessarily want them in our day to day lives.
You could cause yourself more grief by replying.🌸

What BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil and post CollyWombles said.

It is bothering you if you are posting on here. PM her and see if you could phone or meet up for a gossip and see where it goes.
What is the saying? " New friends are silver but old friends are gold "

Did she not feel embarrassed when your DH was 'uncomfortable' with her talking about the past? If he made himself scarce, as you say, maybe she felt judged. I would, and I would probably let a friendship fizzle on the basis that my friends' husband made me feel uncomfortable. Just a thought.

Do you really need Facebook?
Could you delete it and along with it, delete all this nonsense from her?

It sounds like you both grew a part a while ago. It doesn’t sound like anyone has done anything horrible or wrong, these things just happen. Your life went in a different direction to her. You also live 4 hours away, which doesn’t exactly help.

How old are her babies? I know when my twins were newborns, I was in a fog. A lot of my friendships have grown apart simply because I couldn’t see people and wasn’t able to call people. I honestly was just surviving. I had no idea how all consuming having twins would be, and I don’t think my friends got it either. Your friend is also doing it all on her own. Her life will be pretty hard right now. It sounds like she’s just reminiscing and remembering fun times from when she had a life outside of children. She probably does miss you, she just doesn’t have the time/energy to put into a friendship at the moment. I can see why you are hurt, especially when you tried to be supportive. Personally, I wouldn’t send a message ending the friendship because what will it achieve, aside from causing hurt? I would unfollow her.

I have a friend like this.
Only, my life got worse and because hers wasn’t as bad (I got a diagnosis she wanted for herself) she shut me off. I missed her but she really threw her toys out of the pram despite me supporting her with her disappointment. It wasn’t such a bizarre situation.

Now, we rarely speak. We live close, but tbh I’m less fussed by the lack of friendship because I feel like I’m better off without. Same for you- you’re better off without.

I’ve now restricted my settings on social media and can’t be tagged or have someone write on my wall. I’m slowly phasing out- at some point I’ll just remove her and life goes on. Maybe you should do similar.