To worry about bringing children up in poverty

[ambersmokeygrey]

There is no doubt at all that if I split from dh I would be hit in all sorts of ways, mostly financial.

I suppose I'm just terrified about it and don't know what to do for the best. Is it really so awful?

Can you give more info?

How are you defining poverty?

Having no money. Struggling to afford basics like furniture. Relying wholly or partly on an ever decreasing benefit system.

Retrain in a better paid career to increase your income. It’s the only way to get more cash!

Is your dh abusive?

Yeah it's not really that simple Quite. I actually don't have a badly paid job but I'd still be bringing the kids up in poverty as there wouldn't be any change after living expenses and childcare so I'd have to quit work. Yes abusive. I'm alright but people would say abusive yes.

Why wouldn't/couldn't you move to a cheaper house?

I grew up in poverty and whilst it wasn't easy, I wouldn't change it. I think I'm a better person because of it. Certainly more empathetic.

I constantly knew that I was loved, every gift was special to me because I knew how hard my dad worked to get it. I love him more than he could ever know for every sacrifice he made and I'm now helping him where I can because I work damn hard and earn a decent wage. I know the value of hard work and I care for those in poverty now.

Books were my entertainment and I spent days and days lost in imaginary worlds. I was happy.

I would venture that your DC would be better off being poor than seeing their mother being abused, but I know it’s not that simple.

I could move to a cheaper house. I still couldn't afford to work. Just being realistic here. Ex is self employed and won't give me a penny.

Could you prepare to leave him by retraining to get a better paid job/squirrel someinet away etc or do you need to leave immediately?

No. Realistically I am earning the maximum I'll ever earn and its not a bad amount. Just not enough to pay for rent or mortgage, childcare, bills and everything else.

Have you checked to see if you'd be entitled to any top-ups? You might be eligible for some Working Tax Credit or Child Tax Credit, dependant on your income, also partial Housing Benefit or Council Tax Benefit (at the very least you'd be able to get single person's discount if you're the only asking in the house). Would you be looking to buy or rent? If you're in an area of the country that doesn't have sky-high demand for social housing then you may qualify for a council/housing association property. You can apply via a care of address if you have a friend or family member able to help you and explain on the application about the abuse, that you don't want your abuser to know you have applied until you have a new home to go to as you need time to plan accordingly.

I also strongly suggest you contact the domestic abuse service for your area, they can help you with advice, support, and all of the practicalities.

This is very sad. This line especially: "Yes abusive. I'm alright but people would say abusive yes."

Worry about bringing DC into an abusive home. Worry about yourself. Please don't resign yourself to this situation. The fact that you don't yet have DC - and are smart enough to think it through first - is hopeful. Women support themselves even on low-paying jobs, so plan steps to improve your lot and leave him before having DC. There are countless threads on here from women trapped in abusive relationships who have given up their jobs to raise DC and the situation has got so much worse. But they still manage to leave and so can you. Please get help.

Sorry, I misread your OP. So you have DC already? The 'Relationships' board is a great and supportive place for practical and emotional advice on the issues you're talking about.

can’t you afford your current home on your own?

If he was removed

Do you live near family? Is their equity in your house?

Do they live in a cheaper area to buy in? Consider moving to be near

There not their

Assuming you have furniture now, you won't need to buy any. Just take it with you or insist he leaves it when he goes.

Could you afford the house payments if he left? You could bunk in with the kids, or put them together, and let out a room to a lodger (my mum did this)?

Sit down and do the calculations - wages, benefits etc - don't just assume you can't afford it, or at least something. Living in poverty isn't great (mostly for you rather than for the kids tbh) but living in an abusive household is terrible for kids.

Any single parent who works, claim all they can if applicable, doesn't expect a nice lifestyle and can budget appropriately can avoid poverty.

Of course it depends how you define poverty and whether there is an issue with debts.

It's up to the individual person to weigh up what is best. I would do all I could to not have my children be brought up in poverty. But you would get maintenance surely and have a job yourself. And you might be entitled to benefits. I'd do the sums first.

How old are your DC OP?

Can you gain further qualifications in order to get a better paid job?

I hear you OP. To fund two kids in childcare and have the basic amount required to live a woman needs to earn around £45k. The average salary for a women is about £18k.
Do you have any family support for childcare options? Can you do a list and see which is going to be more damaging... living without a lot of things or living in a house where abuse takes place? I am sure you shelter your kids from most of it, as Did but an oppressive, tense atmosphere can never be hidden.

For me the worry that my DSs would end up behaving toward women in the way their father did and that my DD would accept an abusive relationship like I had was the reason I accepted a lower standard of living (much lower) and moved on.
You truly don’t know the happiness you are missing out on if you stay. But you do have a right to mourn your meterially nicer lifestyle.

Giving up your job would be the worst possible thing you could do. If working you will be entitled to top up benefits, childcare help etc. It's extremely unlikely that you would be worse off working than not working as a single parent. Not to mention your pension contributions, your self esteem, your career prospects, your life once the children have grown etc.

You may need to downgrade your lifestyle, but if working and claiming appropriate benefits and making sensible housing choices, you will not be bringing your children up in poverty. It may not be luxurious, but definitely not poverty.

A wealthy upbringing will not make up for the damage that will be done to you children seeing you stay in an abusive relationship. Seeing you stand up on your own two feet and work to support yourself will benefit them immensely.

I can say from experience that living on benefits then working part time with very little money, is so much better than living with my emotionally abusive ex. By far. Yes, it's not easy. I wish I could provide more for my children, especially as they get older and more expensive. But by god, waking up each morning and not seeing his head on the pillow next to me makes it worth every second and every worry. The constant huge knot of anxiety in my stomach is gone.

Money aside, my children are so much happier now that we're not together. I would honestly have said they weren't hugely affected by living with their father at the time - he wasn't abusive to them at all (but of course abuse of their mother has a huge effect, even if they never witness it). But I could see the change in them very soon after he moved out. That is priceless imo, as it is the emotional impact of the abuse/arguments that fucks people up for life, not the lack of money.