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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about bringing children up in poverty

36 replies

ambersmokeygrey · 13/04/2018 09:57

There is no doubt at all that if I split from dh I would be hit in all sorts of ways, mostly financial.

I suppose I'm just terrified about it and don't know what to do for the best. Is it really so awful?

OP posts:
user1471464224 · 13/04/2018 12:43

I stayed in an abusive marriage because I thought I could not afford childcare, mortgage and everything else. I left him last year I'm actually not that poorer since he's left. He doesn't pay maintenance but I get help with tax credits to pay my cm while I work. Family help me out at weekends so I can work more hours. My children are much happier and so am I. The thought of being poor stopped me leaving sooner but I'm so glad I did finally leave. I just budget well and try and do as much over time as I can to help support us. Try entitled .com to see how they will help pay for cm etc.

PrettyLittIeThing · 13/04/2018 12:44

It's shit tbh. It's easy for people on here to say it's not but it is. When you have to choose between gas and electric and it's freezing cold, or you can't afford to buy your child new school shoes and there one has holes in or you can't afford to buy your kid a new coat and it's snowing outside. Yeh it's pretty shit.

Isadora666 · 13/04/2018 12:49

Childcare gets cheaper as kids get older. The high costs aren't forever but leaving the job market and trying to get back into it at a similar level is difficult.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 13/04/2018 13:06

It's shit tbh. It's easy for people on here to say it's not but it is. When you have to choose between gas and electric and it's freezing cold, or you can't afford to buy your child new school shoes and there one has holes in or you can't afford to buy your kid a new coat and it's snowing outside. Yeh it's pretty shit.

As the child of a long-term abusive relationship, growing up in such an environment is even shitter and if my mother had left years before she actually did then I probably won't be in therapy nowadays for help dealing with the emotional baggage it's left me with. I don't blame her for staying - her confidence was absolutely zero and she was scared because he had form for snatching us, detailing outloud her planned disappearance and how he'd explain it away to people and where he'd bury her, and other fun family activities - but it was such a relief when she did leave and we could finally cut him out of our lives. I'd have taken no shoes and a shit coat over the fear that one day my mum would "go visit relatives up in Scotland".

PrettyLittIeThing · 13/04/2018 13:12

I have no doubt that leaving an abisive partner is for the best but that doesn't take away from the fact that bringing up children in poverty is shit.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 13:21

You know, where there's a will, there's a way. When my ex left me, I had nothing. It was truly a nightmare. 10 years later, and I am comfortable. I re-trained, and I work all hours that God sends but financially, we are OK - car is less than 3 years old, we go on holidays, that kind of thing. I don't worry about paying the bills and I don't worry about where the next meal is coming from - but I know how it feels and for several years, it was very hard.

The trick is making it work. Google - google the sector you work in, look beyond what you usually do for work from home opportunities that can bring up your income whilst your children are sleeping, think outside the box a bit. There are ways of making things happen but sometimes you just have to look harder and wider than you would have before.

Don't live with abuse. Being poorer isn't great, I agree, but nor is it the end of the world.

Slievenamon · 13/04/2018 13:29

Retrain in a better paid career to increase your income. It’s the only way to get more cash!

Why do people always just come out with this as if its just something you can do? It's really irritating.

Original poster
ambersmokeygrey · 13/04/2018 18:01

Pretty, you're absolutely right and I'm glad someone had the balls to say it.

OP posts:
seventhgonickname · 13/04/2018 18:16

How old are your children?I think if you know you have to leave that is the start.I put it off until it got so bad that I had to get out.With hind sight I should have left sooner and planned but 2years on I am still limited financially but it is better than I thought it would be and I can always do overtime if an unexpected bill comes in as DD is old enough to manage when I'm not there.
Emotionally I am in a much better place.

missymayhemsmum · 13/04/2018 19:02

So you need to ensure quite cynically that when you split you end up with any assets. The house, the furniture, the car, any savings. Then it won't be so shit. Make sure he's the one who walks away with nothing if you don't think he will pay maintenance.

DumbleDee · 13/04/2018 20:38

I was brought up in poverty. No inside toilet or bathroom till I was 11. No central heating no phone. No money for the gas or tv half way through the week. No money for clothes. Cardboard in shoes because they had holes in them.

I was loved.

I wouldn't have changed it for the world

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