Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My brother is smoking crack

30 replies

Dbisadruguser · 13/04/2018 01:12

I didn't know where to put this, my brother has been smoking crack for at least a year maybe longer and I need to help him, he came to my house the other day and he looked awful it made me feel like crap just seeing him with suken eyes, grey and spotty skin stinking and dirty.
My mum is burying her head in the sand about it and I have no clue what to do, I cannot afford to send him away for rehab.
I'm scared he's going to kill himself he's only 29.
Please help

OP posts:

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 13/04/2018 01:15

Sorry to hear this, is there anyway that he will agree to go and visit the doctor with you and maybe the Dr can help him somehow as I'm sure they will have helped people like your brother before, sorry no other suggestions but didn't want to read and run x

Original poster

Dbisadruguser · 13/04/2018 01:19

Thank you would it have to be my own doctor or his?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dbisadruguser · 13/04/2018 01:20

I can't get his face out of my head, he was walking around in shorts and t-shirt in the pissing down of rain.

OP posts:

ADarkandStormyKnight · 13/04/2018 01:20

It's likely that your mother has been through hell and is worn out with the worry and doing everything she can while every door slams in her face. Support her.

Your brother also needs help but nothing will help unless he seriously wants to help himself. Does he want to be clean?

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss · 13/04/2018 01:25

Oh OP.
I could have written this about my bro a few years ago, but it was cocaine and legal highs.
He still dabbles infrequently, but has swapped the addiction for booze instead. My Mum completely enables this nonsense and will not stand up to him and he can be very abusive towards her.
Amusingly, he's only abusive towards women and almost hero worships my OH.
Why don't I stick up for my Mum? Because I've completely given up. He is golden child and it matters not what he does or say's.
No real advice OP, other than handhold, hug, and advice to step away xxx

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 13/04/2018 01:26

I'm not sure tbh im guessing it will probs have to be his doctor u less he can sign up to yours? Is that possible for him to get there ect or would your mum be willing to help get him and take him to the docs? And has he asked for help as I think the only time that he'll do it is when he is ready, do you know if he's been taking anything else along with it? I don't really have much advice as never been through it but I'm just trying to help, would your mum help you help sort him out or do you think shell continue burying her head in the sand, and also I know he's your brother but be very careful with him around your belongings etc as if he's really addicted he'll try and steal off anyone no matter who they are, sorry to worry you.

Original poster

Dbisadruguser · 13/04/2018 01:30

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss
I can't step away, honestly I'm the only hope he has, I'm literally sobbing now at the thought of it, him being out there on his own.
My mum sounds exactly like yours, of course she's worried but she is just not a proactive person, or very strong minded.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2018 01:34

I'm very sorry about your brother, but the fact remains that unless he decides to get his life in order, there is absolutely nothing you can do for him. Don't sacrifice your mental health and stability over something you have no control over.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 13/04/2018 01:35

Does he live far from you?

Original poster

Dbisadruguser · 13/04/2018 01:39

I know I shouldn't be sacrificing, my health over his but what do I do?
I can't and won't sit back and watch him kill himself.

purple he lives about 20mins away from me.

OP posts:

Bumshkawahwah · 13/04/2018 01:42

I’m the sister of an addict and as horrible as it is, it’s true - he needs to hit rock bottom and he needs to decide to do it for himself.

Does he want to get clean? If so, then seeing a doctor would be the first step.

But be warned...addiction takes away a persons real personality and leaves behind someone who lies, steals, manipulates, begs, plays on your emotions, promises the earth, but will always, always put their drug first.

I’m so, so sorry, I know how horrendous it is. But if you prop him up, he will never get clean. If you enable him to live his life and still be an addict, he will stay an addict.

I know this is heart-breaking for you and I have everything crossed that he comes through the other side.

Clarioncall · 13/04/2018 01:47

I am so sorry to hear this, OP and I have had a similar experience with my DB except it was heroin he was smoking. My DM enabled him (and still does) despite the fact that he has stolen thousands of pounds from her over the years. I agonised over his plight for years too and spent many hours on the phone to drug counselling people, all of whom told me that there was nothing I could do unless he wanted to get clean himself.

In retrospect, I really wish that I hadn't expended so much emotional energy and suffered so much emotional pain on behalf of someone so selfish, albeit one who I love very much. For your own sake, please please try to accept that there is nothing you can do to "fix" your brother, he has to want to come off drugs himself and then you can support him emotionally. I know this is not what you want to hear and it certainly wasn't what I wanted but it's true and you need to put yourself first.

Original poster

Dbisadruguser · 13/04/2018 01:51

He does want help, but where is rock bottom?
Seeing my ds' playing with him hurt more than anything, they idolize him he used to take them out all the time, rough play with them and was a great uncle.
I fucking hate drugs, they destroy everyone and everything in it's way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dbisadruguser · 13/04/2018 01:53

Clarioncall I know i do but it's so hard.
God I can't stop crying.

OP posts:

Clarioncall · 13/04/2018 01:55

You are so right, OP about the destructive nature of drugs, the horrible effects of addiction have such far-reaching consequences and destroy relationships beyond immediate family and friends of the drug user. The emotional, physical and financial cost is massive. I am so sorry for your situation but please put yourself and your DS first.

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss · 13/04/2018 01:56

I felt exactly like you, OP.
It's taken years but he needs to hit the bottom.
My Brother always wanted everything done for him. Job interview prep, sorting JSA, Passports, the list is endless. If no one did it, it was always someone else's fault!
''I didn't have the money for the bus!'' - 20 minute walk job centre appointment.
''I don't have a job now! cos they just bullied me'' - could'nt be arsed to get his site card sorted.
''I've got no paperwork, but thanks for that!'' when I gave him a pre filled form for a provisional licence and 10 lessons.
He comes over periodically and see's the kids, who love him dearly, but only when he is sober. TBH though, other than the smell it's very hard to tell these days.
As heartbreaking as it is, you can only point him in the right direction. xxxx

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 13/04/2018 01:56

If he wants help that's good as he might be able to go through with whatever the doctors do for him, and with you being 20mins away it should hopefully be possible for you to attend appointments with him also, sorry I can't be any help, but least there are people who have been through similar situations and would be better to advise, good luck with helping him and i hope all goes well for you all as I'm sure it is really tough on the family

Ginkypig · 13/04/2018 02:01

You can't help him, only he can. He needs to want help and until he does nothing you do will penetrate. You can be there for him (with boundaries to keep yourself safe) but only he can heal himself. I'm sorry that's hard to hear.

I say this as the sibling of a heroin addict. She is now on methadone but she still take pills including Valium and weed. Her mother now has custody of her child and my heartbreaking opinion is she will never properly get clean but I love her and will support her if that changes.

Original poster

Dbisadruguser · 13/04/2018 02:03

Thank you all, it's really helpful just to talk.

chick your situation is very similar to mine, he used to live with me rent free, all he had to do was get a job and save for his own place.
When I moved two years ago this is pretty much when he started smoking.
My mum has never been a strong woman and I've always taken on being a mother figure in his life, even though I'm only a few years older I've always been the one to sort out all the problems within our family.

OP posts:

LadyCassandra · 13/04/2018 02:14

We are 13 years on from you with BIL. He is addicted to cocaine and my MIL enables him completely. Its really sad to see a 36 year old man living with his mum because he has never been able to get well enough to have an actual life.
The suicide threats keep coming. He constantly tells us how sorry he is but at the end of the day, nothing is more important than the drugs.
We moved away 8 years ago because the strain on our family was too much. He was supposed to visit last week for a month, and had paid for the flight and our DSs were really excited. Then he got caught at work taking drugs, and now isn't coming. Not even his nephews, or his job, are more important than drugs.
You may get to this point, OP, where you have to accept that only he can get himself better, but in the meantime, help as much as you can without damaging yourself or your family.

Clarioncall · 13/04/2018 02:18

So many of the comments and emotions on this thread are so familiar to me, Bumshkawawah is so accurate about the theft of the person you know and love by the drug, leaving someone with no moral compass whatsoever behind.

Chick's experience of the person wanting everyone else to rally round and sort out a job, home etc is spot on too.

I can empathise with your role as family fixer, it's really hard but every time you find yourself sucked into doing something for a member of your family try and think about the impact on you and your immediate family and maybe say no? I honestly don't mean to be glib, it is bloody difficult but it gets a bit easier each time.

LadyCassandra · 13/04/2018 02:29

DH is also the fixer in his family. We used to spend hours driving around pubs looking for BIL to bring him home when he went on benders. DH flew back to see him when he was threatening to kill himself, he was clean for 8 months this time until this latest drama. We moved away thinking it was for us and our kids but I think subconsciously it was for DHs mental health.
He lived with us twice, first time he was arrested for driving while under the influence, and second time he tried to come in off his head when our 8 month old DS was asleep and I locked the door.
Amazingly he has only just lost his job, despite writing off two company cars. I do wonder if the loss of his job might make him hit rock bottom because he has no money for drugs anymore.
He is currently going to 2 groups a day and seeing a sponsor everyday, which is promising, but we have been here before and its hard to get too excited about his recovery when it happens at least every 18 months.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2018 02:31

Does he really want to get clean, whatever it takes, or does he want someone else to get clean for him and he just wakes up one day without the addiction?

The first you can help him with, but the second you must, for his sake as much as yours, walk away from.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 13/04/2018 02:44

Mate, there's nothing you can do. Seriously, when someone's smoking crack things are pretty fucked.

That's not to say all is lost for him, but you can't help him at the moment.

Look after yourself and your family, let him know that if such a time comes that he has had a long period of sobriety you will still be there and that you love him. But you cannot give an inch, and any kindness from you will be abused whilst he's deep in addiction.

The old NA and AA adage is to detach with love. You need to do that. For you all.

BedtimeTea · 13/04/2018 03:31

I am so sorry about your brother. I agree it is best to detach with love. Explain if he wants contact with you and your kids( and mother) that he has to go see a doctor and get into a rehab program. Explain it is torture to see him deteriorate before your eyes, and your children deserve better than a druggie uncle. Here is a link to a page that tells about rehab both the NHS as well as Private facilities. Best of luck to you and hope he will agree to get help.
Rehab-Guide-UK

Flip

1 2