AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

[Dojos]

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

House prices have gone up to insane levels. I think everyone has heard that statistic where a chicken would cost £50 if it’s cost had followed the track of house prices.
I didn’t buy a house to make money in 1979. The idea was we would have a mortgage and pay it off during our working life in order to have security in our retirement. Remember, a generation before most ordinary people rented. They were at the mercy of private landlords if they were not in a Council house. It was for security we aspired to home ownership.
Now it’s great I have made money from my house. I don’t expect houses will be the cash generator they once were but the security is still important why would I not want to help my children achieve this? All my kids work hard, the older ones earn well above the average wage but today they can’t seem to get ahead like we did. The current economy is against them. We all want the best for our kids. Like the op I don’t understand the others on my generation who would rather keep it for themselves.

Why did you have the kids before sorting the house? Your parents generation would never do that

Yes they did! Many of my friends got caught out. However in the 1980s you could get a 110% mortgage and at certain times after a couple of years the house had gone up so much you could remortgage again.
This gave my generation the equity to start businesses, buy investments and so on.

There are 3 elderly people living on my side of road. Each of them living alone in a 3 bed rented flat. I think worse of that type of situation but I get the feeling if you're elderly/middle-aged it's fine to do what you want. Younger people get a lecture for even bring in social housing.

Some people value money peace and quiet above the generations they create OP, that's just the way it is. My DD1 & her boyfriend + DD2 are living with me whilst they save for a house deposit. Ive more than enough space and don't see why they should pay a landlord's mortgage. I do love my home tho. But it doesn't matter to me more than they do.

No wonder some people have a show house but no visitors. Still, age can be a very great leveller eventually.

But as said we're all different it's best to just manage as you can if parents have means to help but don't. Don't let it play on your mind.

Kopa, you are Housesforkids under a namechange, yes? No need to answer that, the particular spelling errors and fixation on immigration and Feminism being the cause of everything that is wrong with the world make it very clear that you are. Why the mid-thread namechange? Did you feel unable to stand by your posts, or are you sockpuppetting to give the impression of support for your frankly bizzare posts?

Oh and the whole 'you feckless Millennials could buy a house if you would just forego the smart phones / internet / coffees' nonsense. Please, you're like a parody. All that's missing is for you to witter on about how Millennials could all buy houses if only stopped eating Avocado on toast. So clichéd it's laughable.

FWIW, yes, I have a smart phone. I'm expected to be available at all times by work, and to respond to emails as they come in. So the phone is rather necessary. Internet - I have data on my phone and fibre at home. See above. Takeaway coffee - haven't bought one in about 10 years.

You're talking so much shite.

Why did you have the kids before sorting the house? Your parents generation would never do that

Okay well statistics show that people are leaving it later and later to have children. Anecdotally my in laws were penniless when they had DH in their early 20s and have used this as a 'things were hard in the past' argument even though it was clearly their choice. The damp flat they lived in probably contributed to his asthma also.

And lets not forget if the millennials leave having dc too late they will be berated for being selfish and putting a strain on the NHS.

I was an 80’s kid. Had far more holidays as a child than I have as an adult. Wore Dash/Benetton clothes and Nike trainers. Lived in a large 5 bed detached house. Mum worked part time school hours, Dad worked away (abroad) a lot and no grandparents around to help with child care.

Why did you have the kids before sorting the house? Your parents generation would never do that

Another one to say this is rubbish. In the late 60’s My grandparents in law had kids at 18 whilst gf was a trainee accountant on a wage of £8 per week (quick google tells me that this is equivalent of about £100 per week). Gm has never worked a day in her life. On one low wage they managed to rent a large 2 bed flat in what is now one of the most expensive areas of the country and pay for everything else. True they’re were poor but the point is they could cover their living costs. Fast forward to 2018 and my dh is also a trainee accountant who can just afford to rent 1 room in the city he works in (not even London).

What this long thread has shown that while people want to claim it's all about hard work, financial acumen etc. etc., actually a lot is down to luck - you're lucky if you have family to inherit from or family who are able to help with a house deposit. I am over 60, have had an inheritance from my parents, but have had a period of being a totally skint single parent with no job at that time, as my daughter was a toddler. However this has been balanced also by having good jobs (one before I had my daughter - 20 years work) and two after which were public sector. I also was a mature student with the OU to gain a degree which helped me progress professionally. Also lucky was the fact that these jobs have given me adequate pensions, and my husband has an adequate pension. So we are not sitting in a huge 5 bedroomed house, we have a medium sized cottage with a big garden which I love. Thankfully we do not need to downsize, it is not obscenely big, but big enough should any grandchildren come along and we are lucky enough that they might want to stay with us. It was our daughter's and son-in-law's luck that my hardworking parents left me an inheritance which I was able to partly pass onto them for a house deposit. They have made their own luck by working hard in good jobs, so they could obtain a suitable mortgage and therefore managed to get a 3 bed semi as their first house. We get huge pleasure from going over there and seeing what my parents' inheritance has bought them. We have enough for our needs and a certain amount liquid funds still towards care should we need it. However we have planned ahead, have a downstairs bath and shower room and a room which can become a downstairs bedroom if need be. Apart from these few years as a single parent when my daughter was young I have always worked, and she has said how proud of me she is that I have been such a good role model by working hard. Life throws challenges at all of us, looking back to the time as a single parent when I was petrified at what might happen to us, I am so grateful I had that time of hardship as I am so thankful for the financial security I now have and would never take it for granted. Sadly some people don't take advantages of the opportunities they have - I worked with a colleague who chose not to participate in the very generous work pension scheme and is now living on state pension and pension credit. So yes luck is involved but also making the right choices. I feel sorry for young people who are struggling and cannot get any help from their family, for whatever reason. However, I think it's unfair of them to knock the BB generation, we paid our taxes which funded the pensioners of the previous generation, and now also pay income tax still and do lots of voluntary work. This morning my husband is doing a Lego animation workshop for children in the library, he volunteers teaching elderly people IT and does a couple of sessions at the local museum. I volunteer on the Audit Commitee of the local Credit Union, which is a means of people obtaining credit at a reasonable interest rate, rather than going to the loanshark type extortioners. A final point, I would argue that the cost of living is very high regardless of what age you are - the only difference is we don't have a mortgage to fund which obviously makes a huge difference. If I am ever lucky enough to have grandchildren I have offered to help with childcare. We certainly don't choose to sit around being parasites on the young!!!!

I think you need a shift in attitude to downsize. My PIL have a huge amount of stuff which they've spent their lives collecting in their 5 bed + attic and basement house. I can't ever imagine them sorting through everything so they could downsize. Think they'd rather enjoy their retirements than deal with it and will therefore stay where they are.
Dh and I in comparison are quite ruthless about acquiring stuff (having spent 10 years in a teeny one bed flat) so it's hard to imagine being in that situation. Wonder if our generation will be different. We won't have the large pension pots to run big houses either.

I can't ever imagine them sorting through everything so they could downsize. Think they'd rather enjoy their retirements than deal with it and will therefore stay where they are.

This is one of the other ways I mentioned way up post that people can and should help their children. By all means stay in the house but if your affairs and all associated with them aren’t well managed when you have plenty of time in your retirement, you’re leaving a huge burden to the next generation who are all busy working and bringing up families* to sort out later, not to mention going through a major life change and potentially a grieving process when lightning does eventually strike. As someone who has been through the enormous work of clearing a big house, I’m just thankful my own parents stayed on top of things and it only* took my siblings and I every weekend for three months to do it.

I think a healthy dose of realism is important and people should be more open to having difficult conversations earlier rather than burying their head in the sand until something goes wrong and you hit crisis point as a family (when the last thing you want to be doing is clearing an attic).

Nursy1 all credit to your family for having thought about everything, I don’t think any plans are ever perfect and you do therefore have to be prepared to be flexible to what happens, but at least you’re thinking ahead and talking about how you intend to support your parents and each other with their needs in the future.

Sorry about the bold, I can’t seem to get the hang of it on the app!

Nursy1, you don't understand why people don't give all their money away to their kids, do you understand about how care is paid for? Do you realise that a decent care home costs upwards of £1,000 a week? If you've given your money away, who's going to pay that? Are your kids going to stump up for it? No, didn't think so.

Forget the internet 30 pounds a month, forget sky, 80 pounds a month, 10 takeaway coffees a month at 30 pounds, forget running a car, 250 a month, forget holidays 75 a month, cinema trips, going to the pub, eating out, takeaways etcetera. There is your deposit after 3 to 4 years. But the current generation won't do it. They say rent is too high a cost, so do what my child did and stay at your parental home while you save. Go without for a few years. But a lot of people are not willing to do this.

On what planet does it cost £250 a month to run a car? Mine costs me that per quarter. And if you don't have a car, then you replace with a public transport season ticket otherwise how do you get to the job where you are supposedly earning this deposit?

And what about those parents who don't want a 27 year old still living at home? There are plenty of them.

The infuriating thing about threads like this is that you get a good number of posters who engage in some really interesting and in depth ideas without simply throwing around massive generalisations that simply suit their argument. Everyone learns something and it opens people’s minds to other POV.

Then along come a few posters who can’t be bothered to RTFT and take the discussion back to the lowest common denominators and we have to start all over again.

There are so many ill informed misconceptions about care provision and who pays for it on this thread, it would take another just to fill it but I don’t think it was the original point so in light of my above comment I’m not going to go in that direction.

There are also so many ill informed misconceptions of what life is like for young families today, and what life was like for young families 30-40 years ago.

The problem is it really seems from this thread that people don’t want to change their minds or have a real debate, when having an open and honest discussion across generations in a family about how we will cope and plan for the future together whilst we still can, is the single most important thing we can all do to improve the lives of every generation ahead of us.

Choice, within the boundaries of the law (and that includes being cognisant of the laws around fraud in respect of giving away money instead of using it for care home fees) is down to families and families alone. I’m signing out as this is another thread that isn’t getting anywhere.

My sky package is £10 a week, just saying.

£10 a month!!

whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi
If its that much of a struggle maybe they shouldnt have had a whole gang they cant squeeze into the only type of house they can afford

DazzlingMilton

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Which are the misinformed ideas about care provision and who pays for it?

On what planet does it cost £250 a month to run a car? Mine costs me that per quarter.

I spend £160 a month just on petrol (£80 for a tank filled every 2 weeks). Add road tax £190 a year, insurance £320 a year, MoT £50, servicing and repairs say £500 per year. That's £250 a month.

And when calculating the costs of running a car you should also take into account the original purchase price. Our Prius cost £22000 10 years ago. That price divided by the 120 months we've had it so far means it has cost us £180 a month just to own it without even thinking about road tax, insurance, maintenance, petrol and (if you ever venture into London) the congestion charge.

This is slightly cultural
Am from a S European background and parents don’t consider their job is done until the kid is housed. Sometimes at the expense of the parents, or via education into a well paid job.
At least this was the case for me and my relatives.

Why should parents sell their homes to finance the adult kids in to owning property. No one did that 30 or 40 years ago.
The expectation that the adult kids should just demand money, often accompanied by a refusal to give assistance to the parent when they are alone and not in great health. There is often the other old favourite tool of manipulation of not allowing the grandchildren to be seen. No one should demand money and they get it. The very fact that demand is involved is off putting. It is strange that this expectation should start after it became more common to live very far from the parents.
I wish I could help my adult kids but the demand and manipulation repulses me.

so do what my child did and stay at your parental home while you save

You do realise that’s not an option for everyone right? My parents divorced, my mum moved to a one bed house and my dad remarried someone with 2 children still at home, so no space for me. Even if their was, they lived 2 hours from where I’d managed to get a graduate job.
DH’s parents moved abroad while he was at uni, so he couldn’t just go back and live with them after graduation.