To be upset and annoyed that my ex is moving abroad and leaving me to be the sole carer of our children?

[thefourgp]

I ended the relationship in January. He was very angry and very upset. He was shouting and swearing at me in front of our kids, threatening suicide etc, it was awful. I ended it for multiple reasons but mainly I felt like I was doing everything by myself and getting no support from him. I did all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, kids hobbies, kids homework, days out etc. The kids were used to spending most of their time with me while their dad was either at work or in bed watching sports.

Fast forward three months and we’re both in separate rented accommodation whilst the house is up for sale. He has the children two nights a week. He’s now told me he’s applied for a back office job abroad, has booked flights and a hotel for the end of this month to go see the company and intends on moving there in August once the house sale has been completed. I’ve told him the kids will be devastated and he says this is my fault because I split up our family. I’ve said just because I no longer want to live with him doesn’t mean he gets to check out of being a dad. He says they’ll need to make up their own mind about who they want to live with when they’re older. (They’re 5 and 7 at the moment).

The job he’s applied for isn’t very well paid, he just wants to live somewhere sunny and I think he’s running away from his responsibilities. He said he’ll pay me the minimum amount child maintenance tell him to (I think that’ll stop and I probably won’t be able to chase him for it abroad) but apart from that I’m on my own. He’s such a selfish person and I feel so bad for the kids. Has anyone else experienced this?

Just to add something on child maintenance- there’s an order you can get that applied to loads of countries to chase down child maintenance. Have a look at this- www.cmoptions.org/en/other-arrangements/parent-lives-abroad.asp

Were you married?

If so are you getting divorced because it is possible that you'd be entitled to a greater percentage of the equity in the house when sold as you have young children.

Let the useless wanker go. The kids will be sad at first but, like PP have said, a clean break with a shitbag father is better than years of being let down, ignored and mistreated by one.

He's going to do what he's going to do, raising a stink probably won't change things so I'd save my breath to cool my porridge.

I sort of agree with letting him tell the children but there are 'considerations'. You need to be prepared for him to either not tell them and disappear or to wait until the last possible minute and tell them in the worst possible way. He'll probably also find a way to infer that it's your fault he's 'having' to move away. And no matter how he chooses to tell them, you'll have to be the one to pick up the pieces.

Keeping the above in mind, consider whether or not you might want to be the one to break the news. At least you'd have control over what words are used when they are first told. Sure, he'll have his excuses to give them and blame to place, but it's usually the first words children hear that they remember most.

What a useless arsehole he is, I'd let him go and say nothing else to him, it gives him power.

Do you think he'll actually go - is this his way of thinking you might panic and take him back?

Glory I’m in a similar position with his parents. The kids love going to their house and his parents are good with them but I’ve always had to make all the effort. They never contacted us to offer to watch them or ask how they are. If I don’t take the kids to see the gp’s they’d never see them. They’ve never seen them since we broke up. They’re the same with other family members too. I think he’s just like his parents - making the absolute minimal effort required.

I think you’re right Winter, he wants me to ask him not to go and I really don’t want to have to do that. He was trying to get me to go out with him for drinks earlier this week and he keeps asking if I’m seeing anyone (I’m not, he was the one sending flirty messages to women he works with, everyone at his office is talking about it and it’s why he’s not been to work since we separated). He’s repeatedly accused me of cheating because he won’t accept that he’s a bad father and husband. He’s convinced himself that I must have another man lurking in the background.

I involved his family when he threatened suicide and he went nuts at me for it. Plus he doesn’t listen to a thing any of them say to him so I don’t think any good would come from it.

We are married and plan to get divorced in a year or two because it will be a lot cheaper. I had to involve solicitors when we separated and the house sale will need to get split 50/50.

I’ll make sure I’m there when he tells them but I’m absolutely dreading it. He’s always put himself before the children and this is just another prime example, thanks for the link Kitkat.

He was trying to get me to go out with him for drinks earlier this week and he keeps asking if I’m seeing anyone

Yeah I think he's bullshitting about leaving. I bet he has no intention of going.

Drop it, that’s a kind thing to say. I know I’m strong and the kids and I will be okay but I shouldn’t have to do it all by myself. I know it’s really childish but I keep thinking ‘it’s so unfair’ and I get so jealous when I see other Dad’s taking their kids to hobbies, watching them so the mum can go out etc. I’m still positive I made the right decision though as even when we were together he wouldn’t do any of those things. He caused me more stress and work than the children.

My ex told me he was moving abroad to be with his new girlfriend, he came over and told my dd that he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could because once he was gone he’d never see her again.
6 months later his girlfriend dumped him (they hadn’t moved away!) and he tried to start up contact again, he had shown my dd what kind of person he was and he has lost her completely.
Let him go, don’t ask him not to and let him tell the children.
It doesn’t sound like he’s much use to you here and with him goes his drama!

I suspect this is all bullshit and he won't be going anywhere. He is a twat, a useless husband, father and he knows it. All this bluster of suicude and leaving the country is just attention seeking. You and your DC don't need this idiot in your lives. If you did all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing etc etc, what will you miss when he's gone?

Be thankful you've got rid of him sooner rather than later so that you will be able to find someone that will treasure you and your DC.

It sounds like you have had a lucky escape and he’s likely using you and the breakup and the blame game to slack from his responsibilities. He will probably go through life blaming everyone but himself.

I thought he might be bluffing at first too but now I’m not so sure. He loves the sun and talked about moving abroad when we were together. He goes for regular sun beds and is looking really brown at the moment. He’s sent my screen shots of the booked flights and job details.

Niccyb he never takes responsibility for himself. It’s always someone else’s fault. There’s always I’m sorry ‘but’.......

I agree thefourgp that you shouldn't have to do this alone, but as unfair as it is, its the way it is and your anger won't help you.
I was exactly the same ( so no judgements from me) and spent hours crying and being so so angry, he-insight truly is a wonderful thing. soon your anger will turn into relief, trust me, I never believed I would be this far removed from how I felt at the time but I am so much happier without him in my life, and my kids are too. He was never the dad that they deserved.

This may all be 'spinning hurricanes' from him anyway just to piss you off and rile you up for a reaction.
My ex threatened to commit suicide many times as a reaction to me not doing what he wanted. Its actually quite emotionally abusive and a form of trying to control you.
See if you can get onto the 'freedom program' in your area. its amazing for understanding forms of non-violent domestic abuse. It really opened my eyes to who he really is.

My ex moved abroad, 5,000 miles away! In some ways it was difficult, he saw the children ( age 3 and 5 when he left) once a year and left the upbringing completely to me. But although that had its disadvantages, it had its advantages too, none of the arguings over access, disagreeing with decisions, fighting over anything-I just did what I wanted, when I wanted!
He never did move back!

Where is he planning on moving to? Check if they are on the REMO list. If he finds out that actually he will have to pay maintenance and it can be enforced his cushy sunny number might seem much less attractive.

Some countries are better than others at encorcing child maintenance - some are actually much better than here!

What a charming man. Awful situation for you and your children but sounds like you did the hard but right thing OP

If you have full custody of the dc, you have a good case for staying in the family home, if you can afford it. Make sure you tell your solicitor your ex is moving abroad. Wanker!

You won't have to split the house 50/50 if you have sole custody of the children.

Based on my own experience I think it's worse to have a Dad who's an asshole and you know deep down doesn't give a shit about you, is just forced to see you, then to have no relationship at all.

I still resent my Mother for making me see that asshole.