To be upset and annoyed that my ex is moving abroad and leaving me to be the sole carer of our children?

[thefourgp]

I ended the relationship in January. He was very angry and very upset. He was shouting and swearing at me in front of our kids, threatening suicide etc, it was awful. I ended it for multiple reasons but mainly I felt like I was doing everything by myself and getting no support from him. I did all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, kids hobbies, kids homework, days out etc. The kids were used to spending most of their time with me while their dad was either at work or in bed watching sports.

Fast forward three months and we’re both in separate rented accommodation whilst the house is up for sale. He has the children two nights a week. He’s now told me he’s applied for a back office job abroad, has booked flights and a hotel for the end of this month to go see the company and intends on moving there in August once the house sale has been completed. I’ve told him the kids will be devastated and he says this is my fault because I split up our family. I’ve said just because I no longer want to live with him doesn’t mean he gets to check out of being a dad. He says they’ll need to make up their own mind about who they want to live with when they’re older. (They’re 5 and 7 at the moment).

The job he’s applied for isn’t very well paid, he just wants to live somewhere sunny and I think he’s running away from his responsibilities. He said he’ll pay me the minimum amount child maintenance tell him to (I think that’ll stop and I probably won’t be able to chase him for it abroad) but apart from that I’m on my own. He’s such a selfish person and I feel so bad for the kids. Has anyone else experienced this?

The guy sounds a prick and it would seem you've absolutely made the right choice. I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I'm just really sorry he's doing this to you. What an arsehole.

Yes, and they did make up their own minds. And here we all are.

Write him off and let go. He doesn't want to be involved or have any responsibilities. He isn't going to pay any maintenance. Your kids will see you getting on with it, and when he emails in 10 years time to play Fascinating Disney Dad they'll see through him.

Can't imagine why you ended it with a prince like that I am sorry for your kids, but with such a useless waster dad perhaps it is slightly better that he lets them down in one large hit rather than in dribs and drabs, being late for this contact and cancelling the other. This way, they know he's fucked off and they're spared the pain of always hoping he might actually step up and be a father.

He says they’ll need to make up their own mind about who they want to live with when they’re older

By the time he realises what he's missing his kids will be old enough to see him for the waste of space that he is and will want nothing to do with him.

What a collosal twat.

Perhaps you invite him round so he can tell the kids himself of his plans. Then he can answer their questions about how often/when they will visit him. I suspect he expects you to do that?

My ex NEARLY did this before I put my foot down, although admittedly he didn’t say he would pay bare minimum. I may have taken his eyes out .His dad did the same to him and he inexplicably loves his dad to bits and “understands his reasons” (his dad is a nob).

Has he given you a say in it at all?

It sounds like you’re dodging a bullet from a deadbeat who not only has no interest in his kids but has no interest in providing for them... which is just beyond the line of taking the absolute piss and has moved into the realm of useless C-word. Purge him from your life imo

Also make him explain it to the kids and you be the one to comfort them

Yep ex did same except he failed to inform dc before he left(apparently it too was my fault for splitting up family).

Dc would have contact at gps house school holidays only where ex lived and eventually they noticed he wasn't there ever.
Cm was difficult to sort out took few years as he hadn't been paying any before leaving either.
Dc have never been to his new home abroad and contact dwindled to a day or two a year only if I arranged it/ did all travel with no advance notice!! Be a mindreader basically.
It's shit

My dfriend had this exactly.
It upset the kids. He then blamed her for his parents never seeing them! It was very hard on her but they are nearly grown up now. They have little to do with him, the boy especially

What a shit. Sounds like him being as far away as possible isn't a terrible idea.
Harsh for you though.

Can you involve his parents? Either in supporting you when he goes, or in telling him not to be an idiot and stay?

Yep this happened to me (except he hasn't moved aboard) he's just decided he wants nothing to do with our kids. Only I have double what you have (4 kids) he also doesn't pay maintenance as he's working cash in hand! And one of my children is disabled. He's well and truly left me in a shit situation

Oh yes it was also my fault dc didn't see his extended family
It's tiring being the taker of blame for his shit parenting choices and he seems to revel in spouting this bs to dc as its easier on hi. than the truth!

He's a cunt who doesn't deserve kids.

He’s not given me any say in it and he hasn’t told anyone else about it yet. I’m not sure whether to kick up a fuss or not make a big deal out of it. I’ll be telling him that he can explain it to them. The only play video games, watch tv and occasionally go to the park when they’re with him but they really love their dad and will be so upset. I’ve done everything I can to make the separation as painless as possible for them (same school, routine, no badmouthing him in front of them etc) and they’ve been okay with it. He’s not working at the moment and has been difficult when I try to get him to spend extra time with them. He was due to start a new job in the UK in a couple of weeks. I expected him to gradually let them down etc once he was working and in a new relationship but to not see them at all is something else. My Mum said something similar to Muddy that it’s maybe better he just goes so I don’t need any regular drama with him mucking them about but I’m not sure what’s worse.

What expat said. He’s an absolute cunt.

From personal experience, having the kids ready to be picked up with their coats and shoes on, then him not turning up, was worse than when he fucked off abroad to weasel his way out of paying maintenance.

He says they’ll need to make up their own mind about who they want to live with when they’re older

My parents split when I was 11. When I was 12 my dad moved back to the USA, and left us with Mum. I visited my dad as often as I could and moved back home to the USA 5 years ago.

I understand my dads motives and reasons anc have s great relationship with him.

Pickle his mum and I no longer talk (she just makes excuses for all his bad behaviour) and his dad has very little involvement with the family. I have very good relationships with the rest of his family (several have told me they think I did the right thing) but I don’t think it would be fair to involve them. Relationships between his side of the family are already strained because his mum accused them all of ‘taking thefourgp’s side’ when they were just trying to be supportive of both of us. I’m sorry that’s happened to you pretty, flowers for you too.

It really hurt my dc not knowing when they'd see their father or it they'd see him at all at gps house. I'd regularly return home with one angry dc.
I made tough decision that id no longer be the one to do travelling it was breaking dcs hearts informing gps they'd be welcome to visit dc instead.

I think is more than confirmation that you have made the right choice.
He is checking out of being a dad but you are not checking out of being a mum. Your kids will know that. I am almost 4 years out of my marriage someone like that. The kids were devastated and admittedly it got worse for a bit before it got better. It will pain you to see your kids so hurt but that will drive you to carry them through it.
They will know his character themselves, I thoroughly believe that more is caught than is taught. They will catch so much of his absence and empty promises that you will never even have to say a bad word about him for them to come to their own conclusions about him. that he is selfish and terribly disinterested in being a good father.
I think 'expatinscotland' says it damn perfectly.
you are so much better off without this parasite draining all of your joy.
let the house sale go through and have the lowest expectations that you possibly can for him being in their lives, anything else is a bonus (or not depending on which way you look at it).
almost 4 years on, my kids don't even ask about their ass hole of a father any more, they ask me to go to 'fathers day' type stuff at school and I do the best that I can to keep them happy.
You are so much stronger than you think, don't waste your anger on him, use that energy to plan your life ahead without him. trust me you and the kids are gonna totally rock it!!!

*I informed gps they'd be welcome to visit dc instead

I wouldn't kick up a stink if I were you OP, he's not worth it, plus he'll only feel important. Consider yourself losing a gangrenous leg ... there, does that feel better.
The longer he sticks around, the more shit he'll cause.
You're children will adapt, if you're happy, they will be too.
Let him runaway, he's as much use as a chocolate tea pot .💐

It sounds as if he’s wanting you to ask him not to go. 3 months after is when it really sinks in.

I’d mention it to a member of his family. Take a deep breath and put it in his terms... e.g.
I know that he’s hurt and wants to put distance between us, but I think he will regret this as he will lose touch with the kids. Ask them to talk to him.

Unfortunately this can be part of breaking up, people becoming bitter, irrational. Ultimately you can’t control them, but you can be the calm one. If he looks after the kids two nights a week then he’s still quite involved. He may well change his mind, or do it and come back. He sounds a bit mentally all over the place.

I moved away with the kids to be nearer support, and my Ex has used it as an excuse to not parent. They can throw these things at us but ultimately we live by our own decisions.