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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people judge you when your not working?

38 replies

Louiseob33 · 12/04/2018 15:07

I’m not very well at the minute but I’m hoping il be better soon.
I went to the dentist a few weeks ago and got the judgemental eye roll when asking if I pay for treatment.
Just been to Specsavers and she asked if I pay and I said not at the minute.
She looked at me as if I was something she stood in.
Anyone else ever had that?or felt that way?
I didn’t choose to be unwell and I hate not working.
I’m itching to get back.

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 12/04/2018 15:10

Yep. Was on benefits for a while after splitting with exh. I felt so embarrassed about it and it knocked my confidence big time. I went back to work a year ago and it made me feel so good but it took me quite a while to get that job. Some people seem to think it's really easy to just walk into one and it's not.

Totsntantrums · 12/04/2018 15:11

No not at all. When I had a period of not working both the dentists and specsavers were fantastic and I never felt judged.

Maybe it is area specific?

ElizaDontlittle · 12/04/2018 15:12

Some people wear their thoughts on their faces more than others. And some are really judgy about benefits, or about disability.
It seems you have found people who are both judgemental and obvious with it!

FWIW I have found that people look at my mobility aids and chronic health problems and are surprised that I do work. Like you I didn't choose this and we're all doing the best we can. Keep your chin up - you'll get there.

Original poster
Louiseob33 · 12/04/2018 15:14

The actual optician in Specsavers was lovely and couldn’t be more friendly,it was the youngish receptionist.
The dentist is specific receptionists too,I always prey I get the lovely one.

OP posts:
SluttyButty · 12/04/2018 15:14

Yep although I don't get free treatment because my husband works but I'm poorly.
The anaesthetist in my last op enquired and looked oddly at me when I said I no longer worked. Then the dentist did the same when they enquired a while ago. And I'm fairly sure my newish neighbours (we recently moved) think I'm a lazy, entitled layabout too Hmm
But I really don't give a shiny shite tbh, it's not their business and if I choose to tell them all one day way then so be it, until then they can just wonder away Grin

Original poster
Louiseob33 · 12/04/2018 15:15

*pray

OP posts:
TroubledLichen · 12/04/2018 15:15

I’m really sorry you’re not well and hope things improve for you soon but in the gentlest way, are you sure you’re not overthinking this and projecting your own anxieties? Plenty of people use NHS dentists (if they can find one, they’re like gold dust in some areas) even if they’re working and being pregnant would also exempt you from paying for treatment. I also didn’t pay last time I had an eye test in the U.K. as I had one of those voucher you get from your employer. If the Specsavers lady really did treat you so appalling then you should complain as she shouldn’t be sneering at customers.

Original poster
Louiseob33 · 12/04/2018 15:16

Maybe it is my own paranoia at times but I’m quite good and working people out (so to speak)
Anyway who cares should be my new mentality.

OP posts:
clothcollector · 12/04/2018 15:17

rude shits for rolling eyes at you! honestly, i think people will make snap judgements without fully thinking about your circumstances or reasons. forget it! the rolling eyes people have no relevance to you and what you do!

moofolk · 12/04/2018 15:19

As tots said it could be area specific, I've very rarely seen anyone pay for a prescription in my local chemists and the dentist doesn't bat an eyelid.

But yes, people do judge. Just this morning on MN was an AIBU something along the lines of stay at home mums should just get a job instead of being upset at a second rate holiday destination. I don't even know where to start with the snobbery involved in that kind of statement.

But OP you are probably feeling more self conscious than necessary. You get free dentist and optician because out country still looks after people who need it. And you deserve these things. And also some flowers. ThanksThanks

TroubledLichen · 12/04/2018 15:19

Yes exactly, who cares should be your new mentality. Don’t let anyone feel like you’re doing anything wrong. Because you’re not. You’re looking after your health exactly as you are entitled to do so!

Rawhh · 12/04/2018 15:20

People definitely treat you differently.

I work from home and have free range over my schedule.

I have lost count of the number of times people think I don't work and have been patronising and rude only to turn nice as pie when they find out I actually work from home.

Original poster
Louiseob33 · 12/04/2018 15:20

Thankyou.
I find chemists to by fine too.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 12/04/2018 15:23

I wonder if you are feeling a tad sensitive I don't mean to be patronising I have not worked for years due to ill health but sometimes the sensitvity takes over, I am sure the receptionist don't care who pays for treatment or not

PeanutButterSquash · 12/04/2018 15:25

Some do, some don't.
Sorry you're not feeling great though Flowers

I went through a long period (4yrs) of unemployment. Honestly the worse people treated me (which was mostly socially not in a professional capacity tbh) the worse I felt, the harder I found it to get out there and get work.. Even employers judged, after the first 6-7 months I got some very raised eyebrows (despite the fact the recession crushed my industry in my old town) I finally got work in something different and I'm much better now. I got treated like a layabout at the time though and it hurt.
It was probably because everyone assumed I was on benefits (I lived on savings and the proceeds from part of an inherited home) not that that makes it any better tbh

Pinkvoid · 12/04/2018 15:25

Yes, I had this with the dentist receptionist years ago when I was studying, working part time, raising three small children and claiming tax credits. I really wanted to say- look, I am studying to get a degree I highly doubt you have and in a couple of years I will be earning more than you so please, kindly fuck off. She always looked down at me snootily.

Bumbumtaloo · 12/04/2018 15:29

Yes, I get judged in all aspects of my life for not working.

Our neighbors have reported us numerous times for benefit fraud. They see; Youngish couple given a HA bungalow with two children who drive a brand new car, what they don’t see is the car is motability (so paid for out of my benefits. Me crying in pain with my DH desperately trying to help me so I don’t get admitted to hospital again - I had 13 one week admissions in one year alone. The cocktail of drugs I take daily just to be able to get through the day. The way I rarely leave my house unless I’m on my way to a medical appointment, the list is endless. I may not be 40 yet but unfortunately this is my life - it’s taken me several years, two suicide attempts and lots of psychiatric input to get me to accept this.

Just this morning alone as my husband parked in a disabled space for me to visit the GP the man next to us was very loudly saying to the person in his car ‘un-fucking-believable’ when his companion asked what he then stated ‘them’ and pointed at us (I had opened my door so could hear everything) he did look sheepish as I put my blue badge in the window and DH got my stick for me but I’m used to it now, at one time I would have been really upset.

So unfortunately OP, yes it is shit and no, people shouldn’t assume anything I have learned when it comes to being unwell people will always judge.

Bumbumtaloo · 12/04/2018 15:36

Sorry I forgot to add this part; I have been judged by medical professionals lots. Once I had six different fractures - was told I probably hadn’t fractured anything as I wasn’t in too much pain, this was after listing all the drugs I take (lots of opioids in there) and saying that I feel pain weirdly. I was once told by a nurse I showed no physical signs of pain as (in her words) my blood pressure was normal and it would be elevated if in pain - I have a low blood pressure normally and for me it was a high reading, later that day I was taken for emergency surgery and after I was back on the ward she was very different towards me. I do have more but won’t bore you to death Grin

UrsulaPandress · 12/04/2018 15:43

I've had breast cancer and as a consequnece get free prescriptions. (Who knew?!) But I am so embarrassed by it that whenever I pick up my tablets and I am asked if I pay I always blurt out 'No, that's a bonus of having cancer'.

SweetSummerchild · 12/04/2018 15:47

OP, I know exactly how you are feeling. After 21 years of continuous working - the last 7 with a degenerative disease - I have had to take ill health retirement at age 42.

I accept it’s not my fault. I have had to claim ESA to keep my NI contributions up to date and dreaded doing it. I thought I’d be treated like a second-class citizen, but the DWP, HMRC and the disability assessment service were all brilliant and so helpful.

I haven’t come across any actual eye-rolling, but I wouldn’t be able to see it anyway (going blind). However, there have been more than a few threads on here recently implying that a woman/mother who doesn’t work is somehow worth less than one who does, and that stings. I didn’t choose this.

My employability is low to zero. When I had to retire I asked my employer if there were any other jobs available as alternative, but was told there were none. Miraculously, a job was found for my support worker who was made redundant when I retired.

DarkDarkNight · 12/04/2018 15:50

Yes, I don't know if it is me passing judgement on myself sometimes. I work part time and claim tax credits and always feel like I don't earn enough to pay my way and hate it. It makes me feel really small. Lots of people where I work do part time hours as well but they also have a husband/partner working full time so I feel it's seen as somehow 'better'.

I got an exemption certificate through the post for free prescriptions and don't use it. Partly I don't want the judgement, partly because I work in the NHS and can see what a strain it's under and as I can afford it I would rather pay.

Thegreatestshowwomen · 12/04/2018 16:07

I once snapped at a doctor that if he could find me a job that would employ me having over 15 seizures a week which quite often included losing control of my bladder and bowel to go ahead.
I lost my job a month prior to this after working since the age of 16.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 12/04/2018 19:17

I'm not working atm and I haven't really told anyone in case I get judged. I'm looking for jobs though and everyone has been quite positive so far.

Then again, I was in retail so I got judged when I was at work, too.

Uniglo18 · 12/04/2018 19:23

Yes I got an eye roll and a sarcastic 'aren't you lucky you don't pay tax' from a charity shop worker when I declined the gift aid form. I don't work atm because all my bloody wages go on childcare, it doesn't make financial sense atm for me to work. Plus I'm my dc's carer so a lot of time is spent ferrying them from one appointment to another. I just didn't feel like defending myself that day and I shouldn't have to, lots of people don't work for lots of reasons.

CollyWombles · 12/04/2018 19:23

When I was a lone parent I worked full time and people were more often surprised that I worked as I also have 4dc.

I'm married now and about to leave work as DH has found full-time work and my youngest DS is Autistic. One of us has to be at home as he runs out of school and we are often called in to bring him back. Plus the massive cost of childcare which you do get back yes, a month later. Trying to find a grand and a half when you live paycheck to paycheck just isn't possible and ASD DS, cannot go to main stream childcare, they can't handle him. I'm going to study so in a few years time I can work my own hours and from home alongside DH. I fully expect to be judged by some folk but I don't care. It's been a long time since other people's opinions have bothered me.

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