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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know where teenage DS is?

30 replies

PlayOn · 12/04/2018 12:48

Have NC for this one...

DS is15 ( Yr 11). 16 in summer. He declared last night that he is going to stay with another boy in his year at school on Friday night. I said that was fine, but that I would need the address and phone number of his friend's parents. Not that I necessarily want to contact them (though would reserve the right to), but just in case.

Context: Said classmate lives 200 miles from us. DS has been at boarding school 250 miles away since he was 13. Competent traveller (journey to school involves three changes of train and crossing London; he has been doing this alone since he was 14). He is sometimes quite mature, and other times a complete numpty. He also has a somewhat elastic relationship with the truth (though never, yet, about anything important - or not to my knowledge, at any rate).

He says I am being ridiculous to want the parents' details, and that he will be able to leave home in a couple of months' time (though I did point out that being independent at 16 would very decidedly mean that, and would not involve asking your mother for money for train fares to stay with your pals).

AIBU to insist? Quite happy to be told so if I am. He is my oldest, so this is a new one for me...

OP posts:

smartiecake · 12/04/2018 12:52

God no you are not being unreasonable. You definately would want to know where he is. My oldest is 13 and i would want to know where he is age 16. I would think about that poor lad that was murdered by someone he met online. Was it breck beckner? Sorry if i have his name wrong.

Velvetbee · 12/04/2018 12:52

I would insist. I’ve always said to mine, ‘I need to know where you are so I can tell the police where to start looking for your body if you don’t come home.’ Sort of joking but also not joking.

Original poster

PlayOn · 12/04/2018 12:54

Ah. So it's not just me, then. At the moment, I have said I am not paying for his train ticket until I have the parents' contact details...

OP posts:

kyrenialady · 12/04/2018 12:55

YANBU especially after watching that programme on C5 last night.

I like to know where my 16 year old is all the time.

Original poster

PlayOn · 12/04/2018 12:56

Oh blimey. I haven't got a TV, and have a feeling I might regret Googling it!!

OP posts:

Aprilmightbemynewname · 12/04/2018 12:57

Ds 14+16 know to text me when they have reached their destination. The odd check in during their visit but not always. You obviously trust the judgment of your ds given his travel experience - surely that's enough?

onalongsabbatical · 12/04/2018 12:58

You are not even remotely unreasonable. And good that you have paying for train as bargaining chip. Stand your ground OP!

BarbarianMum · 12/04/2018 12:58

If you live with someone, it is polite to let them know where you'll be spending the night. YANBU - let him fund his own train fare if he's so keen to be independent.

Appuskidu · 12/04/2018 12:58

God, you are being totally reasonable!

I would be wondering why he was going out of his way to not give your the address?! That would be ringing alarm bells.

He would not be going (because I wouldn’t be giving him the train fare!) unless he starting some pretty good ‘truthing’!

squiglyline · 12/04/2018 13:00

You are not being unreasonable at all!
Whilst living under my parents roof we had to let my mum know where we were and where we were staying. If I was out and decided not to come home I had to call her even if it was 4am. Even if I was out at night and coming home I had to take my shoe off and put it inside of her bedroom door so if she woke up in the middle of the night she would see if and know I was home safely.
My brother is now 26 and moved back home. He is expected to let my mum know where he is going and his movements. I think it is only fair as you will worry and if he is ignoring you calls/ not giving you the info then we would not be allowed to go.

Flapdoodles · 12/04/2018 13:05

kyrenialady what was the programme on C5 last night?

CaMePlaitPas · 12/04/2018 13:05

Nope, he's your responsibility until he's 18, keep pushing for the address and details, as other posters have said, stand your ground!

Northernparent68 · 12/04/2018 13:07

I can see why you want to know, but if you sent your son to boarding school and he travels there alone he will inevitably be independently minded

BertrandRussell · 12/04/2018 13:10

I don’t ask for parent’s details. But I do expect an address and the full name of the friend concerned. And a text when he gets to wherever he is spending the night.

DanceDisaster · 12/04/2018 13:11

@flap

I think it was about Breck Bednar, but don’t know. I had to google that too as wasn’t sure what the pp meant.

purplelass · 12/04/2018 13:12

It's good that he's independent enough to travel to school alone, but in this case the school would be in touch with you if he didn't turn up.

You need that same safety net with him staying with a friend. YANBU at all!

Ilovecamping · 12/04/2018 13:16

Have you checked with the school? Does he need permission to go anywhere other than home ?

kyrenialady · 12/04/2018 13:20

It was called Murder on The Internet, it featured the story of Kayleigh Haywood.

DanceDisaster · 12/04/2018 13:30

@kyrenia

I’ve just looked that up. What a horrible story. That poor girl and her family.

Jaxhog · 12/04/2018 13:33

YANBU. It's perfectly reasonable. If he won't tell you, I'd be concerned that he isn't telling the whole truth.

I did like the comment , ‘I need to know where you are so I can tell the police where to start looking for your body if you don’t come home.’

Andro · 12/04/2018 13:51

I can see why you want to know, but if you sent your son to boarding school and he travels there alone he will inevitably be independently minded

This.

When I was away at school, my parents had a list of the (rare) days/nights I was planning to be in their house. My dad knew which country I would be in because my tickets were booked using the card he gave me - it was the very reason he gave me the card - I also left him a list of flight numbers. As far as I was concerned, when my mother sent me away she lost the right to demand oversight when I was nearby (to be fair though, she didn't really care where I was so long as I turned up to the necessary social functions).

Cicera · 12/04/2018 13:58

He is sometimes quite mature, and other times a complete numpty.

That is the trouble with kids this age! They can be completely sensible and no problem, or they can do something daft like take a 'short cut' or whatever.

Knowing the address and number shouldn't be that big a deal - you're not threatening to stay in a nearby hotel or perform a random drug test!

I'm 33 and still send my mum my flight details when I go away!

mummymeister · 12/04/2018 14:18

we have a thing about this in our family because there have been times where someone has had to be contacted in an emergency. so ever since mine have been of an age where they go over to friends houses we need the address and timings from them. by the same token if we go out and even when they were little and had a babysitter we wrote down where we were going and what time we would expect to be back. my eldest is at Uni and lets us know if she is away for the weekend and where. its not about the checking up but about knowing that if for example there is an accident or incident somewhere you know if your child/parent is involved straightaway.

Paperthin · 12/04/2018 14:18

It’s not unreasonable for you wanting to know where he will be overnight. My question is why won’t he tell you the contact name and address? Yes, he could leave home soon but that implies he thinks he can live away from home as an independent adult....most adults wouldn’t mind discussing and providing info on where they will be to their family. So what has he got to hide? OR on the other hand is it just him trying not to be embarrassed by having interested parents! ( that ‘teenage’ thing)

llangennith · 12/04/2018 14:20

If he’s at boarding school he probably has to take a lot more responsibility for himself than if he lived at home permanently so it’s a hard one. I would want to know parents’ details too but I know that when my 3 were teens they sometimes lied about where they were going. I usually found out later or when they rang me needing to be rescued via a lift.
Stick to your guns OP. He’ll have a strop but make sure you keep lines of communication open.

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