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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ask permission

80 replies

Mothercarerskivvy · 11/04/2018 23:15

Basic facts: I'm taking my children on holiday in term time. We've relocated due to dv. Court cases involved, kids having counselling....
Holiday is within UK. £280 for the week I've booked. £1300 in holidays.
School has an online form asking 'permission' to take holidays.
I spent years asking 'permission' to even leave the house and I will not ask a stranger if I can take my children away.
My AIBU is: I'm not asking permission. They're my children. So I'll just email and say I'm going. I refuse to Ask.
Am I wrong?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/04/2018 23:33

Afew days off school will not have any detrimental effect on your childrens education

That will depend on how much time (if any) they've already missed and obviously what year they're in.

For all we know, it could be a GCSE year as the OP hasn't stated their ages.

But by and large, I think the OP needs to not see the school as the enemy.

She's chosen to send her kids there, she's not been forced. Therefore, a less hostile attitude might make for an easier ride throughout the rest of their time there.

SomeKnobend · 11/04/2018 23:33

Just factor in the fine to the cost. They can't stop you going, but they can fine you for doing it. You pay your money, you take your choice.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/04/2018 23:34

Fill out the form. They will almost certainly say no. (Because the head has very little power on this.)

But then you are going anyway!

Because no one tells you what to do any more. You are free.

NeedForBlossom · 11/04/2018 23:34

YABU but I get why you feel the way you do.

How old are the DC?

milliegeobotandyou · 11/04/2018 23:38

I did that. Emailed the day I went. Nothing came of it, though DD wasn't CSA.

Original poster
Mothercarerskivvy · 11/04/2018 23:40

Wow. So much to respond to! The holiday is booked. I am taking them. They need it.
My point was/is that I refuse to ask a stranger if its OK.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 11/04/2018 23:41

I understand your position, but please inform the school what you are doing. They might not like it and may fine you, but if your DC are just... not there, for a week, and they can't get hold of you either (particularly if they know that you have previous experience of DV) someone might get into a panic about whether you are all OK.

AnduinsGirl · 11/04/2018 23:41

I get why you're going, I really do, but it's the rudeness of just "telling" school that gets me. You expect them to provide a high class free education but will just tell them you're taking the children out for x amount of days. We never, ever authorise termtime holidays, but our parents still go through the process of booking a holiday appointment. Because it's polite. And as a result we don't often refer for prosecution.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2018 23:41

Why are they strangers?

Have your kids not been in the school for very long?

AnduinsGirl · 11/04/2018 23:42

*high quality - sigh

AnnieAnoniMouser · 11/04/2018 23:43

I wouldn’t fill in the form either. I’d send them an email advising them the children won’t be there on x dates. I’d rather pay the fine than give them any notion I’m asking their permission to take my children on holiday.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/04/2018 23:44

Schools do not say whether you can go on holiday or not, they either authorise it or don't.

Also schools do not fine people LAs do.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2018 23:45

Also schools do not fine people LAs do.

The school's attendance officer will recommend whether parents should be fined though, based mostly on the kids attendance.

BakedBeans47 · 11/04/2018 23:47

I wouldn’t fill in the form either, just write a letter and tell them you’re going. You might get a fine but I doubt filling in the form would get you off of that anyway.

Have a lovely break.

Mrscog · 11/04/2018 23:49

Anduins - that’s interesting, I’d have assumed school would rather save the time hassle and just like a direct message! I might change my approach if that’s likely to be seen as rude!

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/04/2018 23:50

WorraLiberty

that is not a job title I have come across before, the closest I think is the Education welfare officer and they are employed by the LA

PerspicaciaTick · 11/04/2018 23:50

Advise the school that you will be taking your DC out of school due to the family crisis they have experienced (I assume the school are aware of their family situation so they support them). No need to ask, but do inform them of your plans.

The school will not give permission, but they may choose not to escalate the absence to the LA meaning you won't be fined.

TinWhistleTunes · 11/04/2018 23:51

Reanimate has a good point - you need to tell the school that you are taking the children on holiday, or they may well worry about you.

There's no point in not working with the school. As a headteacher said on the first page, they could be sympathetic because of what's happened, and appreciate that the children need this family time with you.

Also, unfair as this is, you need to be seen to be working with all the relevant authorities. If anybody (your ex for example?) ever contacts social services about you, unexplained absences from school are a Very Bad Thing. The thing is, social services see victims of DV as a risk anyway... it's a big red flag for them (I speak from bitter experience!) It might help to protect your children in the future if you do everything by the book now.

NoSquirrels · 11/04/2018 23:51

You don't have to ask a stranger if it's OK. You're going, that's fine.

You do need to "inform" school, and it's best if you do it via their official process.

But instead you could have a word with the head and explain, if that's easier.

It's very likely it won't be "authorised" however you do it - you won't get "permission" or told you "can" or "cannot".

But if the head is very sympathetic or not under a lot of pressure about attendance statistics this year you might be lucky and avoid a fine.

Did you see this post?

I think you’re seeing a battle that isn’t there.
No, you don’t need to ask permission. You can state your intention. You might get fined. You may get your leave authorised if you ask for it to be considered under ‘exceptional circumstances’: you need time to regroup after a family crisis involving DV.
(I’m a headteacher, if that helps!)

MarvelleGazelle · 11/04/2018 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2018 23:53

Boney my local primary has an attendance officer who is employed by the LA. She works for the 'cluster' of 5 local primary schools but it could be the same job under a different name?

Either way, all attendance issues including term-time holidays are handed to her to deal with.

bryheresse · 11/04/2018 23:56

If it's GCSE or A level year, YABU. If not, probably fine.

Rememberfluffthecat · 11/04/2018 23:56

Are the school 'strangers' ? Children spend a lot of time at school and trust is a large part of the student/parent/teacher relationship. Just be honest with them why it is important to you.

anneoneill · 11/04/2018 23:57

Comparing a school, doing their best to educate your kids, to a domestic abuser is a bit much.

Original poster
Mothercarerskivvy · 11/04/2018 23:58

I apologise for lack of context.
5 children between 3 and 11.
Huge issues already with headteacher whom I only met 3 weeks ago (children have been there since September with serious safety issues) and who made a point of saying the school has messed up but don't take them away in the holidays....

OP posts: