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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Tell Fil to Back off re 11+?

29 replies

Alpacinoshoohaa · 11/04/2018 20:59

Dh suffered with self esteem issues and depression, he said Pils always tried to push him at school, he never felt good enough.
Pils are wealthy, materialistic and very pushy, fil is very pushy.

I mentioned dd was doing really well in school and he was asking questions like % and have we got her tested.

Their friends talk to their dc in multiple languages during lunch and have tutored their dc to to the hilt for the 11+. They are very pushy and pils worship them.
We are putting DD in for it - but in a casual way, we have told her this, we have an extremely good local school, however the grammar is slightly preferred, we like the school, teachers and atmosphere as did DD. We dont have the ££ to tutor her to death, she may get some in the summer, on exam technique, and last min stuff.

I almost hope she does fail and our lives with be far easier with her at the local school.
Last time I saw Pils - fil had me locked in conversation for ages about dd her aptitude etc..he is very competitive and today he saw dd and was asking her about school and 11+.

I want to talk to him to ask him to back off and be quite clear why. i e self esteem - pressure on our children...its not OUR WAY we dont want to pressure her. I dont want him to mention it to her or anything to do with education. He has tried to undermine us - put our choice of school down, they are feckin nightmares....Mil is in a constant state of misery because we cant afford things like they could for dh and his sister...
It astonishes me after DH problems that he even mentions this sort of stuff to me or dd! One would think some humility etc would come into play but I think they lack total self awareness. So I want to be clear or should I just ignore it and DD will be fine?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alpacinoshoohaa · 11/04/2018 21:31

I should add he doesn't see her every week or anything, more like a whole day every few months.. If they saw her more I wouldn't be asking

OP posts:
5plusMeAndHim · 11/04/2018 21:49

Hmm wel it really is not fair to put her in for a test without her being fully prepared for it.You don't have to get- paid-for tutoring but you should at least see she gets plenty of practice.It's not being able to answer the questions, it is being able to do it FAST I have come across several parents with-bright children who have missed out because they are not familiar with the style of questions and/or have not got their speed up.You are banging on about self esteem, but failing the 11+ can cause a permanent dent.

BarbarianMum · 11/04/2018 21:55

Agree with 5plus. Failing the 11+ is not a great confidence boost. If you think she's bright enough to pass and do well at grammer school, then don't sabotage her by lack of preparation. I don't mean "tutor to death" but she needs to at least have covered all the maths and done some practise papers.

Or if this doesn't appeal, don't enter her. Either way, you can tell your FiL to back off (or maybe tap him for some money for tutoring?).

Emily7708 · 11/04/2018 22:05

Sorry don’t have any advice re the inlaws but agree with the others, you need to prepare her if you are entering her for the 11+ or it will ruin her self esteem. My DD1 is taking the 11+ in September and we use the Bond11plus.co.uk website. You’ll need to find out if she is sitting the CEM or GL exam though. I pay a monthly subscription of a few pounds and she can do as many practice and mock tests as she likes. You’ve still got a few months and it will make all the difference to her confidence.

bryheresse · 11/04/2018 22:10

My kids did 11+ exams for super selective private schools and got in without any private tutoring.

We did tutor them ourselves though - we got those Bond books for maths, English comprehension & verbal reasoning (not sure if they use that any more) and did lots of papers, starting at the beginning of year 5.

bryheresse · 11/04/2018 22:10

We also practiced creative writing and learning new words to use for description.

NewYearNewMe18 · 11/04/2018 22:12

Mine went to grammar with no tutoring. I'm of the feckless neglectful school of parenting, and I don't believe in homework much less tutoring, home or otherwise.

Wallywobbles · 11/04/2018 22:14

Had this conversation today, the outcome of which was that if you get into a school where you are a bit above the average it is the right level for you and good for your confidence. If you get into a school because you have crammed for it and spend your life near the bottom it really isn't great for your confidence and self image.

Original poster
Alpacinoshoohaa · 11/04/2018 22:22

  1. I disagree re self esteem and exam. My DD takes her results in her stride because she has been supported at home to do so. She is bright and gets good marks but when they have been less or when she didnt do well because of other outside issues eg close death, she has been aware enough to take this fine. So with us - her parents behind her I have no doubt we can assure her any fail is fine because we have not built up the exam or made it into a big thing. We have toured schools with her and she is very loose on her choice. She really liked the GS but also knows many friend will go to non selective school which is very good. She has no passionate feelings either way. This is because we her parents have said - take it you get more choice but X school is excellent.

  2. She is being prepared and she will be prepared. She has been exposed to bond papers - VR and NON VR for years but in a casual way to earn more time on the computer and never forced. We have 11+ high frequency words again we do a few to earn more rewards, she is avid reader, voracious reader Grin her marks are as good as those heavily tutored. She will go to proper tutor over summer for exam tech help, revision and so on. I will get more mock tests and also get her to do some but its not serious here, its all just done, she is happy to do them, its not presented as a do or die thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alpacinoshoohaa · 11/04/2018 22:25

We also practiced creative writing and learning new words to use for description Her talent is creative writing her work is stand out at school. Her teachers rave about her writing, her use of words, etc.

Failing this exam will not disadvantage her and be sending her to awful school. She will end up in very high achieving school, the GS however just had that edge thats worth taking the punt for.

OP posts:
Beamur · 11/04/2018 22:31

You know your child best OP. Some kids benefit from more tutoring than others, my DD needed more than her school could give her for maths but has always excelled at English.

Pecanpickles · 11/04/2018 22:36

It’s not passing / failing that affects self esteem. It is mindset. If children believe their ability is intrinsic and unchangable, and if parents put too great an emphasis on academic achievement and too little on effort, that is a recipe for perfectionism and low self esteem, because nobody can be brilliant all the time.
If children have a healthy attitude to ability, know that they can increase it with hard work, and know that it is not intrinsic to their value, they shiuld cope with ‘failure’ just fine. Better luck next time!
Seems the OP is raising a child with a growth mindset, and she will do well in whichever school she goes to.
(And yes, tell FIL to back off!)

Original poster
Alpacinoshoohaa · 12/04/2018 10:04

pecan I don't think we have consciously followed anything like the growth mind set.

But dd is a great worker, she doesn't need pushing. Fil pushed his dc. They have ability to make everything sound like hardwork. Once Mil asked if we had packed for our holiday and even that comment drained me Grin.

So far, so good. Dd knows other dc have advantages of constant tutoring and why.

OP posts:
CarrieBradshawsScrunchie · 12/04/2018 10:09

My DD took the 11 plus and ‘failed’ but we didn’t term it as such. We told her she had done very well and had worked hard and we were proud of her, and that it had been a great experience for her. Her self-esteem did not suffer.

Original poster
Alpacinoshoohaa · 12/04/2018 10:55

This is my point with us she won't have issue but with fil in the the back ground it may turn into one.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 12/04/2018 11:04

With out eldest he sat an 11+ exam for a local 'grammar' school. It's highly sort after.

We chose not to actively 'prepare' him. He either got in on his own merits and was able to flourish or he was tutored to the hilt and may flounder once in. Tutoring can be a difficult path to come off and there's no guarantee that they won't still need further support once at the school; so, potentially, more money/time being spent on tutors which is added pressure.

He passed the exam but didn't make the final cut.
He goes to the local secondary which is also very good. It's been a much better choice for him.

KHFC2018 · 12/04/2018 11:10

OP you sound really sensible about the whole 11+. However, if you are only meeting your pils once in a few months, and DD is taking the 11+ in autumn, you will probably only see them very few times before it is all over?

If that's the case I wouldn't bother telling them to back off. Or maybe tell them before meeting up that DD is feeling the pressure and detail discussion about the exam might derail her preparation?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/04/2018 11:17

You are tackling the wrong person. FIL won't listen to you but DD will.

She's old enough to know that FIL has issues. To know that gets obsessed with exams and scores. Explain to her that you all try to be kind and avoid the subject because he's so weird about it. If he makes her upset to please talk to you about it.

I have bonkers family (in different ways to yours). Telling the children about the ways in which the relatives are bonkers is massively helpful. They are extremely good at seeing the bad behaviour for what it is when they've been prewarned.

The worst thing you can do is make out to DD like FIL is lovely, normal and go aroind minimising or smoothing over his behaviour.

Emily7708 · 12/04/2018 11:18

I agree that the child should get in on their own merits but do think that they should be well prepared in how to complete tests within a set timeframe. We use the Bond website and in no time DD learned how to pace herself and manage her time really well. She started off being terrified of doing timed tests and not finishing in time so would definitely have failed if her first timed test was the 11+. The actual content of the exam is something that can be done in everyday life though - vocabulary, reading, posing questions to them etc.

Original poster
Alpacinoshoohaa · 12/04/2018 14:01

Grin I'm very happy with our 11+,strategy, it was how to reign in pils I was seeking help with. Rabbit, good idea about warning dd of pils, its just that we have to warn her of so much already it gets wearing. But yes, will warn her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alpacinoshoohaa · 12/04/2018 14:02

Emily, my dd has no worries about tests she does stuff fast. But she will get as per op proper exam technique help. So

OP posts:
Emily7708 · 12/04/2018 15:01

It was just a general reply to the posts above mine OP, your DD sounds extremely bright and capable.

Emily7708 · 12/04/2018 15:02

Oh I have absolutely no advice on how to reign in PILs!

RandomMess · 12/04/2018 15:12

How about broken record technique?

"DD's welfare is much more important than attending x school"

"DD's education is our decision not yours"

"We live DD for who she is, not how her achievements reflect on us"

5plusMeAndHim · 12/04/2018 16:11

*My DD takes her results in her stride because she has been supported at home to do so.
It may be that she has so vfar taken results in her stride because she has never done a real exam where the result had an actual effect on her life

She is bright and gets good marks but when they have been less or when she didnt do well because of other outside issues eg close death, she has been aware enough to take this fine.*

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