To want to know when someone wants to talk about someone that has sadly passed away, but every single time you see them for the last year and a half, how do you politely try and change the subject

[LardLizard]

As I’m not sure how much more I can handle
I do make all the right noises and say nice things. And listen but I just can’t listen to it for hours and hours
It’s just too upsetting
And after over a year and a half well heading towards two years I’m just struggling

I do listen, I do say kind things then after a while I try to changebthe subject but she somehow turns t back again and again

I had this with a relative. In the end I had to be blunt and say "I love you, but I am your and not your counselor. I am not trained to deal with this and I have my own grief to deal with".

Fair warning, they haven't spoken to me since because apparently I wasn't grieving hard enough over the relative we both lost.

As you both lost the same person I think you are definitely not being unreasonable to say something. Your grief and way of dealing with things is just as valid. I am very sorry for your loss.

It’s nearly four years since my youngest sister died and it still feels very raw and surreal but we’re getting used to it, if not over it (which I don’t think will ever happen).

I’ve had to stop people that want to go over things/weep on me even recently. It’s hard and horrible the first time you have to ask somebody to stop talking about it. I always simply say, ‘I really don’t want to talk about this right now’ or ‘I’m very sorry, and I can see you’re hurting, but I cannot emotionally cope with your feelings today.’

It does get easier to say something though - grief is so personal that I think people often forget you won’t be at the same point/ act in the same way. Maybe you could explain that to her.

If she’s dwelling on the end that much she really ought to speak to someone else. Do you have Cruse locally? Or maybe she needs to see a GP to explain she can’t cope - I had to as everything started to feel like a huge mass of things I couldn’t cope with. I was put on AD for grief reactive depression and it completely saved me.

Obviously, there’s no right and proper way to grieve and if she is still in the ‘disbelief’ stage (which I think it sounds like but I could be wrong) talking about those things is probably a way to process the loss of a loved one. But you must look after yourself too. Grief is hard enough to carry on your own without also being expected to carry someone else’s.

Is this your parent talking about your other, late parent or grandparent? Maybe they are aware they are going over old ground and socialniceties will not let them do it with anyone else - but feel that you will put up with it?

It also sounds like (maybe) they are carrying some guilt about something - the references to the late person's suffering/being brave etc - are they feeling guilty that they did not realise how ill they were?

Also the references to clearing their stuff away - are there still wardrobes of clothes etc to be sorted? Is this their way of asking you to "drive" the clearout?

I think, as PP have said you need to tackle this for your mental health. Say you cannot do it anymore and that the person needs to work out how to move on. You could offer to help this - with pointers to grief counselling or to help bag stuff off to the charity. But make it clear that it needs to stop.

It's sounds like they're stuck in a cycle, they probably have a lot of guilt.

instead just talked about happy times Like you say, if you offer up this idea to start with, see how that goes, it'll give you a measure of whether they're at least willing to try a different thread.

This is very hard OP. Sorry for your loss.

Yes, I'd say that I'm finding it hard reliving the pain and am at a place where I would prefer to focus on the happy memories instead. Then, to avoid all doubt, I'd say I didn't want to talk about the person any more, unless it was in a positive way. I think that would ultimately help the other person move on too.

Dont sacrifice your mental health to support theirs Lard. Be honest with them, perhaps they will seek help if you are? While you are propping them up they have no need to.

"they don’t want to talk to anyone else about it"

Ok is that because you were both there/have a shared relationship (siblings who lost a parent for eg) or your parent who lost theirs or their sibling.

I think this must be very tough.

I would just be plain and firm (but kind). "I can't talk about this any more, what is helping you is making my own grief worse, let's talk about happy times, or if you are not ready to do that then you need to speak to someone who is not affected by the loss". It's hard if it is someone you are close to (and especially hard if its your parent who has lost your other parent for eg).

Ok gonna try n and be a bit firmer
It’s either that or back off a bit or a lot
I do think it’s a bitnjnfair laying it all in me

Bit unfair

I’d probably say that I’d started bereavement therapy appointments, and that I was finding them very worthwhile, despite the steep cost.

Therapist has advised I refrain from participating from conversations re the person outside the therapy room for a while.

It’s a shame to lie, but easier on them than the truth in this case. The fact that a professional and a cost is mentioned will help them understand they must not continue to bring up the topic, in a way that you just asking them not to won’t.

They are better off believing this lie and still having you visit, than driving you away. I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

Sorry for your loss...

Th ask for al the advice
Thought about what you’ve all said and taken it on board,I won’t lie as I will just feel more guilty just gonna have to be a bit tougher
Ha is for the advice

Thanks

It is unfair. This person is being selfish. You have been kind and patient (much more than I would have been) and you have every right to refuse to put up with any more. She doesn't get to demand that you, and only you, listen to her and indulge her feelings.

Sadly I am still in this position 14 years on. Have been told numerous time my grief is no where near as bad. Its about the same person by different relationships (parent of deceased/daughter of deceased)

To be fair the way in which I have coped is to block it out a lot in my head, not let it get me down. I use the mantra I can't change others behaviour but I can change my reaction to it.

My mum was present in the hospital when my dad died and she used to go over the details over and over again. My brother used to tell her to stop he had been there too and couldn't bare to hear it. I used to listen as she needed to go over it to move on. Fortunately she would remember the good times to.
I think your relative needs some grief counselling as they need to talk it through with someone but this needn't be you.