To want to know when someone wants to talk about someone that has sadly passed away, but every single time you see them for the last year and a half, how do you politely try and change the subject

[LardLizard]

As I’m not sure how much more I can handle
I do make all the right noises and say nice things. And listen but I just can’t listen to it for hours and hours
It’s just too upsetting
And after over a year and a half well heading towards two years I’m just struggling

I do listen, I do say kind things then after a while I try to changebthe subject but she somehow turns t back again and again

Is this someone you can kindly steer towards some sort of grief counselling? It's not clear from your post (and you don't have to specify) whether it's someone she lost, someone you lost or someone who was important to both of you.
If it was a close family member of yours rather than hers and she won't let it go, it's OK to be a bit rude to her and say you don't want to discuss it again, of course. If it's the case that she is not coping with her own grief, that still doesn't make it your responsibility to listen to her wailing for hours on end.

Stop seeing her then, because she can talk about whatever she wants to. You can choose to remove yourself,

Depends on who what etc

Problem is she only seems to want to talk to me
It’s someone we both lost that’s why it’s upsetting
I sort of feel I can’t take much more

I have said have you tried talking to xyz about this and she looks hurt and says no
And that she doesn’t want to talk to them

Stop depends who you mean, if it’s a child it’s totally different to an elderly grandparent.

No it’s not about a child
It’s about someone mid 70’s

Definitely depends who and what.

If it's mutual grief and you had similar relationships (ie both children, both grandchildren etc) with the deceased I'd probably say I'm sorry but I just find this so upsetting, can we leave the subject for a while.

If you had different relationships and neither of you were closer I don't think it would be kind to tell them to change the record, you can of course chose to remove yourself.

E.g., my MIL talks to me about my late-H a lot, how she can't believe it etc. I can't cope with this, but I can't tell her that - she is very old, is on her own, her youngest child (who used to do a lot for her) had died, it would be unkind to tell her to stop going on about it. So I just don't see her so much. I feel crap about this, but I also know that I have to protect my own mental health.

And what's their relationship with you?

Don't let her - or anyone else - make you feel guilty about saying that you have had all you can take. You are not her personal wailing wall and your feelings - and your wish not to have to put up with her endless misery - matter just as much as her distress.
It's not about demanding that she move on before she's ready, it's about asking her to leave you alone on the subject. So you can either be kind but firm - every time she starts, say 'I don't want to discuss it again: if you need someone to talk to, contact [whatever grief support organisation you think is appropriate] and if she still carries on, walk away or put the phone down.

I'm entirely aware that people have to mourn at their own pace, and that loss can be devastating, but it is not fair to pick one friend/family member and expect unlimited time and attention from that person, particularly when that person has suffered the same loss.

What SGB said. Just be honest and say you can’t take any more.

Is this the loss of a grand/parent and your parent/sibling wanting to talk about it constantly?

I think at this point a gentle “everyone grieve differently and I find it very hard to talk about them all the time, it upsets me” would be ok.

Thanks I think your right, just going to have to be honest
As listening for awhile and then trying to change the subject after a while isn’t working

Its because you have common memories and shared experiences. It keeps the dead person alive.

Can you lead by example and have your own grief counselling or support group?

No it’s not even taking about memories
Like remember when we did this that

It more like that person was so much more ill and suffering that they let on
That person out on a good act for visitors but really they were really really suffering etc

And keeps talking like every single time about clearing things out

I’ve acyaully said have you tried to talk to xyz about this and this person will simply say hey don’t want to talk to anyone else about it
I’m literally the only person they talk to about it
And to everyone else this person doesn’t say all this stuff all the time for hours and hours

Perhaps try to change the way she talk about the person. Say you find the talk about the suffering/pain upsetting and its not how they would want to be remembered.

Can you source some photographs, trinkets from a happy time or place. A favirutie book or film. She clearly need sto talk about the person she is grieving but can you steer it in another direction.

I think you'll have to be open and honest OP. It's upsetting and troubling you, you have a right for your feelings to be taken into account too you know. If the person still won't listen, then stepping back from them is the other option. You have a choice, hard, but a choice all the same.

I think at this point you need to be more blunt and say ‘I’m sorry but I really can’t keep talking about this, I don’t want to talk about it anymore’. It’s up to them not you if they don’t want to talk to anyone else about it, you have a right to say ‘no more’. This must be really draining and not helpful to either of you to just keep going over and over. Next time they do it just say no, I don’t want to keep talking about that, and if they refuse to change the subject you might need to not see them for a bit, for your own self preservation

Yeah I think you are right, only other option is to step back, which would make me feel even more guilty

It wouldn’t be as hard if this person didn’t want to go on about the suffering and instead just talked about happy times

And also because the person that has died had obviously tried to put onan brave face
It seems a bit disloyal to be going on a nfnonanojt how they Put on a. Good show but was really suffering

Is it your parent

It must be - Lard has lost a parent, and the surviving parent is using her as their outlet. It isn't fair at all though, as it's not nice memories and reminiscing but essentially wanting to torture themselves thinking about whether they suffered more than they let on. It sounds as though the surviving parent needs professional help as they are stuck in a pattern of torturing themselves about the final illness and death and can't move on to remembering the good memories.

Agree OP has to be firm and say she can't be part of this unhealthy pattern any more. The surviving parent needs professional help with their grief now.