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Original poster

To withold contact from the dc from ex following his attitude to CM

47 replies

Theduchessstill · 10/04/2018 11:03

After 4 years of separation/ divorce I finally put in a claim for CM. I tried to do it just between us but he ignored all my emails about it. I went for the option where they tell him the amount and then he pays me direct, but he ignored that too and is 3 weeks in arrears. Not a lot, but I know he has no intention of paying it, ever. So I informed them and they have obviously contacted him and informed him it will go to the option where they take payment direct from him and it costs him an extra 20%.

So yesterday he finally stopped ignoring the issue and emailed to say I am 'nailing him to the floor' and that he will lose his house due to my actions. He gave in to all my demands during the divorce and could have demanded more from me, but didn't. All bollocks - I borrowed the maximum I was allowed to buy him out, and he received 13k less than a year ago. It's not my fault that he has already pissed it all away. He will get a further 10k, but not for another 13 years when ds2 is 21. The only thing he could have had but didn't was any of my pension, but that's because he wants stuff now, not in the future and insists he wold be dead by then, anyway Hmm.

I could ignore all this, but he has also said he will make sure the dc know his situation is all my fault, especially when he loses his home, and they will know what a selfish bitch I am etc etc.

Why should I send them there to hear his lies? Even if they don't believe it, it will be upsetting to hear, I'm sure.

And have I done the wrong thing in asking for CM? He pays nothing, provides nothing, does have them twice a week (though ds1 is making noises about wanting to cut down visits, and at 11 is old enough I think) but until very recently was texting me asking for pants for them etc. He earns little, but I struggle to believe he is losing his house over £16.75 a week he hasn't even fucking paid yet! He smokes/drinks and I'm sure could find most of the mney by cutting down on that - it's essentially a bottle of wine and a packet of fags isn't it?

They are due to go Thursday - what do I do?

OP posts:
DonutCone · 10/04/2018 11:07

Not use your children to punish their Father?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/04/2018 11:09

You don't give him the ammunition to make you out to be "that mother". They go, handover is brief, all communication is about kids, when they make their own minds up not to go, they don't. Cm is worked out on his earnings, it's not going to skin him.

Nicknacky · 10/04/2018 11:09

Of course you aren’t unreasonable for asking for maintenance but why use your kids as pawns?

LARLARLAND · 10/04/2018 11:12

I can't believe that anybody would consider using their children as pawns in a financial dispute. It's appalling.

SluttyButty · 10/04/2018 11:13

They're separate issues, never use children as a weapon or a bargaining tool.
He should pay cm but you shouldn't obstruct access unless you have concerns for their safety.
As the children get older then they can reduce the amount of time they want to go but that's between your children and their father.
I've had a nobhead ex who doesn't pay much in the way of cm but I've never restricted access.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 10/04/2018 11:14

Let them go. When they come back with tales of his woe remind them his spending is his problem, yours is making sure they are provided for.

Snowysky20009 · 10/04/2018 11:17

Don't use your children that's the worst thing any parent can do. (Own personal experience of being the child)

Original poster
Theduchessstill · 10/04/2018 11:19

I'm grateful for all replies, but I do wish people would read what I have actually written.

I'm not considering withdrawing access because he hasn't paid. It's because he has threatened to tell them how I have ruined his life/left him destitute/ caused him to lose his home etc. I don't want him t turn them against me, and I don't want them to be distressed by being exposed to his bitter lies and his attitude. I don't know that he is even in the right frame of mind to look after them, tbh.

If he never paid but was adamant that the dc be kept out of it, I would be more than happy for them to go. I have a lot to do before returning to work on Monday and would actually like a break!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 10/04/2018 11:21

I knew that’s how you would reply. You can’t change his attitude so does that mean they don’t see their dad regardless if he pays or not?

Pinkvoid · 10/04/2018 11:22

He can tell his children anything he wants, likewise you can tell them anything you want. They will grow up and believe what they want to believe (most likely your side in all honesty.) But you will NOT come across as the good guy if you prevent them from seeing him.

I hate Jeremy Kyle but this is a classic example of ‘weaponising’ your children.

Justanotherzombie · 10/04/2018 11:27

You can’t withold access. That would be punishing your kids and as others said, using them as pawns. I know you dispute this being over CM but check out your thread title....it’s nice that you have another excuse to fall back on but we’re strangers on the internet and can see objectively that this IS about CM among all the other crap if a break up.

What you can do is IF he does stoop so low as to use the kids against you like that, you can take him to court for emotionally abusing them and reduce his access based on that issue.

CM is a matter between you and him. Don’t bring the kids into it.

Original poster
Theduchessstill · 10/04/2018 11:29

Nicknacky If you knew that was how I would reply, why accuse me of using them as pawns? That implies I want something from him, and, while I do want him to start paying, my purpose in not sending them would be to protect them from what he is likely to tell them? He still won't pay, at least in the short term, but I will be depriving myself of free time I actually need, but I'm worried about sending them there.

I'm weaponising the children, but he's not??

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 10/04/2018 11:31

Because you ARE using them as pawns. If yournthread was about the emotional abuse caused by him that’s what you would have posted about. As it is, it’s only 3 lines in amongst paragraphs about money.;

SluttyButty · 10/04/2018 11:35

You can't control what he says to them. Apparently mine told my kids alsorts and grilled them about me when they were younger on visits.
Nothing I can do about that nor you. What you can do if they comeback saying "dad said xyz"is explain why it's not true.
Kids aren't stupid and most will see through the bullshit as they get older.

donners312 · 10/04/2018 11:35

Well it is my opinion that people who care about the children will pay CM for them plus plus plus!!

He clearly doesn't give a shit however the kids kind of need to realize that for themselves.

So play with a straight arrow (or whatever the expression is) let them see what a dick he is and let him bury himself.

Original poster
Theduchessstill · 10/04/2018 11:35

Oh ok then, you'd know best Hmm.

I'm using them as pawns so I can get £16.75 a week that will make fuck all material difference to my life, and stopping them going makes my life harder.

Why are so many people on here utterly misogynistic?

OP posts:
RunMummyRun68 · 10/04/2018 11:36

You would be torn apart in court if this got to the point of getting in front of a judge!

Contact and maintenance are separate. So in your head, separate the two

If he starts emotionally abusing them in any way, be it by calling you names etc then deal with it if and when it happens. Don't pre-empt it.

Nicknacky · 10/04/2018 11:37

Did I say I knew best? I’m just responding to your post and how it comes across.

How does that make me misogynistic? Just because I don’t agree you should keep your kids from seeing their dad??

KC225 · 10/04/2018 11:41

I read your post OP and I got that why should keep facilitating this when he has had what he wanted, when you provide everything and he threatens to undermine you to your children which he refuses to pay for. You are not punishing the children but trying to stop HIM using them as pawns to get to you.

I would feel the same way in your position too. I don't know what to suggest. Perhaps you should keep going with the visits. Jot all the threat down save the texts for when they want to stop. Maybe have a quiet conversation with the 11 year old and say that your Father isn't happy because of the CMS and he may make comments and say things but just ignore it or change the subject. You don't have to bad mouth him (as much as I would want to) but you can prepare them with a few scant facts. Good luck OP.

Justanotherzombie · 10/04/2018 11:42

OP, there is no question that you are being shat on by your ex. And I think all posters here would have sympathy for you. Maybe mumsnet just hears this same story so many times a day we forget that actually you are real, with real kids you love and real pain and fear when your ex toys with you and threatens you.

You need to keep letting the kids see their father but I would advise protecting yourself as much as possible. Make all communication through a third party if you can, he has a right to access his kids, not to access you. And if you start to hear/see he is playing them with lies, you take him to court to reduce his access fairly based on him emotionally abusing the kids. Because that’s what it is (telling lies about the other parent to turn kids against them) and the court views that very badly when it’s a Mum claiming.

00100001 · 10/04/2018 11:46

Just separate the issues.

Chase the CM payments.

Let the kids see their father - if he asks you for money for pants etc. Say "Sure, fine, just deduct the £3 from your CM payment this week..."

peacheachpearplum · 10/04/2018 11:53

£16.75 for 2 children doesn't sound much, is he on very low pay?

I think you have to let him see the kids, he might just be saying it to wind you up but if he follows through and upsets the kids you have to deal with that. Does your 11 year old have a mobile? If they get upset he could contact you and end the visit early.

Lostinspace84 · 10/04/2018 11:53

Yes technically they are two separate issues but it's so very hard for a Mum to think like that. She hasn't got the choice not to pay for her children has she?

OP I'm sorry you're going through this

Flockoftreegulls · 10/04/2018 11:53

Could you have a chat with the kids before their next visit to say that mum and dad are still trying to sort things out between you about who does what and that dad is feeling very upset about things at the moment so if he says anything about that or about mum that they shouldn't take it to heart as people sometimes say things that sound strange when they are upset. That regardless of all that mum and dad both love and care for them and that if anything is said that they don't understand or makes them feel upset that they can talk to you about it and you won't get upset but will always try to answer honestly. You then have to follow through on that and even if you feel upset don't show it to them.
I do understand where you are coming from but I don't think you can stop contact. If he is an arsehole (he does sound like one) they will see it for themselves and they will remember that you were the bigger person who put them first.
It's not easy and I hope you are ok

Original poster
Theduchessstill · 10/04/2018 12:04

I'm starting to wonder about the emotional abuse aspect of things atm. If it is defined as repeatedly badmouthing the other parent, then he has already done that. Both dc have accused me of things and I have had to correct them, which I have done in the way recommended above.

Should I be going to court? I know he will carry out his threat, as he has already done so with other issues. But is it that bad? It seems both dc are starting to see through him, so would I be the worse parent for forcing the issue, straining the relationship further and making us worse off financially by involving lawyers? Or am I just being lazy in avoiding the issue?

I just wish he would be 'normal'...

OP posts:
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