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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu - mental load on maternity leave

34 replies

Notquitefeelingit · 10/04/2018 09:29

First time I've posted for ages and I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I'm on maternity leave with our second child and toddler is in nursery three days a week. DH works full time as a teacher so has had last week and this week off for Easter. We've just bought a flat so I'm trying to set up direct debits, pay bills, transfer energy providers etc.

Do argues on his holiday he should have time to himself for his hobby, which he spent two full days on last week while toddler at nursery and wants to do the same this week. I argue that I'm breastfeeding the new one and trying to sort out all the admin and could do with a hand. He is very good at looking after our children and paying most of the bills as I'm on statutory pay.

So I really don't know whether I'm just getting cross because this is effectively my job and it's a bit boring being at home not really being able to do anything well but still needing to do all the admin, chores etc or if I've got a point and we should be divvying up this stuff more. I don't mind doing most of it, especially during term time when DH works through lunch and can't really help out, but I resent doing all of it on holiday. I also think if he did help it would take half the time because I keep feeding and settling the baby and can't just concentrate on one thing.

Seeing this all written down I still honestly don't know. He's a fantastic father and really pulls his weight at home But he is definitely guilty of saying 'just tell me what needs doing and I'll do it'. When I'm back at work I don't think this is enough as we should be equal partners but on maternity leave...?

What do people think?

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 10/04/2018 09:32

'just tell me what needs doing and I'll do it'

I think you need clear delineation of which jobs are his and which are yours, so that you can mentally shift his areas from your list. Then no prompts or requests, they're simply HIS.

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/04/2018 09:34

And perhaps show him this: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 10/04/2018 09:35

I think it's good for people to have time on their own to pursue hobbies outside of the home. Not too much that it disadvantages the family, but it's good for the soul.

However, BOTH parents should have EQUAL time. So, not unreasonable for him to have four days out of a two week holiday, but he needs to enable you to have the same/similar if you wish. I know it's hard with a bf baby though.

endofthelinefinally · 10/04/2018 09:35

DH and I agree a suitable time and sit down together and go through the finances and paperwork. It is much easier and quicker that way. I think it is unfair to leave it all to you when you have a fairly new baby.

Spaghettijumper · 10/04/2018 09:38

He clearly doesn't pull his weight - pulling your weight means you get on and do things when they need doing, it doesn't mean that you sit around and wait for someone to tell you what to do.

Is it his view that he deserves time for hobbies but you don't?

jellycat1 · 10/04/2018 09:42

From what to have written I don't think he sounds unreasonable. Sorry.

BadPolicy · 10/04/2018 09:46

I dont think 4 days out of his holiday time is unreasonable. I think you should get the same, however if your baby is EBF that might not be possible right now.

nutbrownhare15 · 10/04/2018 09:50

I would say a day a week on hobby would be reasonable in your situation. And for him to take on admin tasks so you don't have to do it all. Yes he works but you work too looking after your baby (longer hours than him). If he was single he'd have to do his own admin. And yes show him the you should've asked cartoon above.

Original poster
Notquitefeelingit · 10/04/2018 09:57

Endoftheline I think agreeing on a suitable time is where we differ! I think one morning this week good time, he argues this should be done in the evenings. Except we don't do anything in the evenings except children, flop and eat... Obviously, this will improve a bit.

Definitely showing him the comic!!

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 10/04/2018 19:45

I agree that a morning is better.
He should be doing his share.

ferntwist · 10/04/2018 20:59

YANBU. Fine for him to spend time on his hobby during the holidays but he has to fit in half of the life admin too. He’d have to do it if he were single. You’re the last person who should be seeing to it all with two little ones to look after, one who is breastfeeding. Other men manage it.

museumum · 10/04/2018 21:04

You need to divvy stuff up now so that each of you is point of contact for a similar number of companies. If necessary he can have the ones easiest to manage online. Otherwise once you go back to work you’ll still be getting the emails and having to make the calls.

CampariSpritz · 10/04/2018 22:13

I don’t see why you shouldn’t get some time off too. Why shouldn’t SAHMs not get time off? As you say, it is a job and he gets time off from his job.

Original poster
Notquitefeelingit · 11/04/2018 09:05

Good point museummum. I spent most of yesterday doing that. To be fair, husband came home around 2.30 and started helping out slightly shamefaced.

I did try gently having a word about how if he asks me how he can help then that's still me being his manager and I don't want to be that. We definitely need to set aside a time every week for admin, it's just very difficult to find time when we're not knackered and without children!!

OP posts:
Midnightpony · 11/04/2018 09:10

He's in holidays, fine, great. But you're expected to "work" 24/7? Not ok. Obviously you can't stop bf the baby but if he gets 4 days to do his hobby then he can take the toddler out for an equal amount of time, and do the house admin so you can have 4 days where you "only" have to feed the baby

Mrsx79 · 11/04/2018 09:11

As a teacher at this time of the year I would argue that you're husband probably needs some down time for his own mental health. Come on bring at home with 2 is not that tough...ive done it. Ebf both so I Never got any child free time until they weaned but that was my choice. It's no where near as hard as working in school at this time of year and I know as I've done both. Give him a break but made sure he contributes and gives you some time too.

Mrsx79 · 11/04/2018 09:13

excuse the typos....I am a teacher,
honest😂😀

araiwa · 11/04/2018 09:16

If setting up your new acounts and payments for utilities etc takes more than 2 hours in total youre doing it wrong

MummyCuddlesSolveEverything · 11/04/2018 13:13

You need to find a balance while he is off. He should get some time for his hobby, you should get equal toddler free time and some baby free time if possible while ebf (even an hour or 2 for a bath or nap), and some time together as a family.

I sound like a total hypocrite but I always think it's easy to advise someone else but difficult to follow that advice yourself.

Goldenphoenix · 11/04/2018 13:18

Mrsx79 I guessit depends on how easy your kids are, being at home with my two can be absolutely knackering and relentless! My teacher husband agrees!

Original poster
Notquitefeelingit · 11/04/2018 15:24

Hmm... I hope it would get easier being at home with two but I find it pretty tough atm. More trying to keep toddler entertained than new born. I agree about down time for mental health but I guess how much is fair is the question.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notquitefeelingit · 11/04/2018 15:25

I think the admin is taking me a while because I'm trying to shop around to see if it's worth getting new broadband provider etc but it's also because I'm ebf and she feeds a lot when she's awake, which is most of the day.

OP posts:
FlapAttack23 · 11/04/2018 15:34

I've not read the other comments sorry but just wanted ti say I am in almost exact same boat as you. Teacher husband. Just moved house. 5.month old ebf baby. Cat broke down anf had ti choose and buy new car.. then washing machine too haha. 3 yo child too but she does 4 days a week

I have been so exhausted with the mental load. Dh when working is fan tasting and we have a good balance ... always gets a bit intense in holidays as is a long time and I have 2 more humans to think of in the days rather than just pottering about after baby!

Think you and husband need to remember that his holiday is your holiday too. Your chance to have a bit of support amd to do things as a family but also try do some things alone. Me and Dh take turns having 2 to 3 hour chunks to ourselves etc and that keeps us sane. 4 full days is a lot I'd say as if you took the same that's 8 full day says out of the 10 day holiday. Can you compromise he has one full day or 2 hakf days on his hobby. . Then ask for the same even if it's in 2 hour chunks to just sit in the bath wallowing on mumsnet undisturbed with a bag of doritos? ? No names mentioned there....

FlapAttack23 · 11/04/2018 15:35

And people forget how much admin comes with a house move.. so so much.. so rust rating and hrd to do with a bf baby. Insurance. Change of addresses. Money .. argh hate it

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 11/04/2018 15:39

He is good at... paying most of the bills as I'm on statutory pay.

Well how kind of him.

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