aibu - mental load on maternity leave

[Notquitefeelingit]

First time I've posted for ages and I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I'm on maternity leave with our second child and toddler is in nursery three days a week. DH works full time as a teacher so has had last week and this week off for Easter. We've just bought a flat so I'm trying to set up direct debits, pay bills, transfer energy providers etc.

Do argues on his holiday he should have time to himself for his hobby, which he spent two full days on last week while toddler at nursery and wants to do the same this week. I argue that I'm breastfeeding the new one and trying to sort out all the admin and could do with a hand. He is very good at looking after our children and paying most of the bills as I'm on statutory pay.

So I really don't know whether I'm just getting cross because this is effectively my job and it's a bit boring being at home not really being able to do anything well but still needing to do all the admin, chores etc or if I've got a point and we should be divvying up this stuff more. I don't mind doing most of it, especially during term time when DH works through lunch and can't really help out, but I resent doing all of it on holiday. I also think if he did help it would take half the time because I keep feeding and settling the baby and can't just concentrate on one thing.

Seeing this all written down I still honestly don't know. He's a fantastic father and really pulls his weight at home But he is definitely guilty of saying 'just tell me what needs doing and I'll do it'. When I'm back at work I don't think this is enough as we should be equal partners but on maternity leave...?

What do people think?

Give me teaching any day over the stress of ebf a newborn and caring for a toddler!
Especially if that baby is a poor sleeper and the toddler is in a phase of tantrums.

It's the day to day drudgery and groundhog Day feeling of mat leave that wears you down in my experience.

Why does it make a difference if baby is bf or not? Surely if the partner is a work no-one else can feed baby? In case it matters I'm sat here breastfeeding a12weeks old with my 2yr old and 2yr old nephew playing.

Only because I'm constantly trying to balance feeding baby with drinking and eating enough and then getting up to pee with baby asleep on me. Also doing all online stuff on phone as no broadband yet is a pain.

Flap, that does sound tough. To be fair, I get time to myself when toddler is at nursery, it's just that I'm always holding the baby during it. I need to push for more baths etc so I can read a silly book and just wallow.

Yeah I understand all of that, my 12 week old likes human mattresses and it feels like you have to ask permission to go to the toilet so you dont wake them up! I dont have a teacher partner but I do have a teacher in the family. They are childcare in the holidays. What will/would happen after maternity leave is finished? Have you discussed school holidays then? That might get him to think about the future as I expect this will continue if you don't have something set out.

It’s a holiday from his teaching job, not from all responsibilities. Most people use holidays from work to get on with chores they need to get off their lists. If it’s important to spend 4 days doing something else, fine, but that means he’s going to have a busy holiday. If he’d moved house as a single person then he’d have to do all the admin, so he’s getting a good deal.

I'm the teacher in the family, rather than DH, but some time ago I decided that as he leaves me to do the vast majority of our mutual admin and bill paying, that he could do most of the food shopping and cooking. We never really discussed this, but I think he knows which side his bread is buttered, so to speak. When you live with a chore-dodging person, you have to think smart and long term to do get them to do their part. That's hard to do when you've got a small baby, I know, but you can work towards the outcome you think is fair (perhaps, book yourself some stuff to look forward to, during the school summer holidays).

For the moment, I think you need a nightly bath...perhaps the heath visitor has recommended it...!

Also, what Bustopher said. I have had to accept since becoming a parent that my school 'holidays' are just as much work as term time, just different work!

That's a great idea!! I should point out he does the majority of the cooking, but that also means I do the shopping and the deciding what to have on which night and the washing up!!

Lots of good suggestions for dividing up time here. I think it'll get easier as the baby gets a bit bigger but I'm trying to divvy up the admin a bit more. I admit I don't mind it as much as him.