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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move abroad?

33 replies

Username9876543 · 10/04/2018 01:38

(I’ve NC for this as potentially outing)

More of a WWYD rather than AIBU..

DH has been offered a permanent job abroad in a lovely location (I spent some time there in my uni days and fell in love with the place). If DH accepts the offer, both of our DCs would have a much better quality of life, better schooling, etc. and DH’s salary would increase by 50%, so all round a great situation. However, DH has an elderly aunt who lives alone and has no other family locally. She relies on us for company most weekends and doesn’t appear to have many friends. DH thinks we can’t miss out on this opportunity for a better life for our family and we can still speak to aunt every weekend via the phone and fly back for visits every few months, but I’m concerned about leaving an elderly person on their own with no other family around her. WWYD? I don’t want to miss this opportunity either, as I know it would be a tremendously positive change after a bad few years (redundancy, a few bereavements, and a traumatic birth with DC2, to name a few). Is DH being selfish by thinking about what he wants rather than the welfare of his elderly relative?

OP posts:
Copperbonnet · 10/04/2018 01:47

How old is she?

Would she consider moving with you?

Would she consider into sheltered accommodation for example?

Iflyaway · 10/04/2018 01:54

You would be crazy to give up this opportunity. It sounds amazing all round.

Sorry to be blunt but your aunt could drop down dead tomorrow. I know plenty who have done without being elderly. There are no givens in life.

You have to think of the best future for you both and your DC.

I say that as someone who grew up as an expat kid.

Original poster
Username9876543 · 10/04/2018 01:56

She’s 79 and not in bad health but not particularly fit and active either. She would never move with us nor visit us as she doesn’t enjoy travelling abroad. And she would never move out of her home either, so if we decided not to move then we would ultimately be caring for her if her health deteriorates at all. It’s unfortunate that she’s come to be quite dependent on us in recent years.

OP posts:
ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 10/04/2018 01:56

Look into options for the aunt

Sheltered accommodation with warden,

Nursing homes

Social services and any help they can offer

Carers

Meals on wheels

Original poster
Username9876543 · 10/04/2018 01:57

Iflyaway This is what DH says but I feel terrible leaving an old person on her own. How could we do that to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Username9876543 · 10/04/2018 01:59

Elderflower We have discussed those options with her (without telling her about our move abroad, she doesn’t know about it) and it’s a very firm ‘no’ on everything. She won’t accept help from anyone but us.

OP posts:
SmallBlondeMama · 10/04/2018 02:14

I would move in a heartbeat!!! I think it's very loving of you to be so concerned about her but honestly you need to do what is best for your immediate family. It's sad that she doesn't have anyone else that's on her! You can video chat and keep in touch with her.

Haggisfish · 10/04/2018 02:16

My mum works in a care Home and it’s fabulous. All the clients are really well cared for and looked after-they are very vocal in their appreciation! We are in midlands if that’s any help. I think finding a solution for aunt is the answer. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t take the opportunity.

Original poster
Username9876543 · 10/04/2018 02:22

Sorry to drip feed a bit, but realised this is relevant. DH was never that close with her (which is why he isn’t too concerned about us moving away), but her only son died suddenly a few years back which is when she began to rely on us for things. We are the only family she has - would it not feel like another bereavement to her if we just left? I’m just not sure my conscience could take it, even if it is a better option for my family.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 10/04/2018 03:04

Well then prepare for your family to resent you.

This really is a no brainer OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2018 03:05

I can understand how you feel, but the bottom line is your first priority must be for the enrichment of your childrens' lives. You are not responsible for the fact that your aunt refuses help from others or refuses to include other people in her life. To throw away this opportunity would be madness.

stolemyusername · 10/04/2018 03:38

I would take the opportunity, this isn't just about your future but that of your DC too. I would tell the aunt that your DH is being sent abroad to fill this role (almost as if the company have given him no decision) and discuss then ways to make life easier for her when you are away.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 10/04/2018 21:24

You need to make the decision of what is best for your family...I'm sure if you all left, the aunt would soon accept help from carers or a home help, it's not right that she has options and is turning them all down to rely on your family to the extent you are considering turning down a fantastic opportunity that most here would dream of having...

Sit her down and say you are going and will set up carers or home help etc...also can you get her an easy mobile phone to use (one that is simple for older people to use) then she can video call , phone, text you and you can keep in touch with her and actually see that she is ok

halfwitpicker · 10/04/2018 21:27

Bit of a no brainer really.

sonjadog · 10/04/2018 21:29

I think it is strange that you are placing your husband’s aunt ahead or your husband and children. Surely what is best for them comes first?! Your husband’s aunt probably doesn’t want help while you are there. She might change her mind about it when you aren’t.

19lottie82 · 10/04/2018 21:34

You need to have an honest conversation with her and If your husbands aunt isn’t going to accept carers so you and your family can have a better life, then she’s just being selfish.

You need to do what’s best for your family. Don’t put your aunts “wants” (not needs) before your DC.

namechangedtoo13 · 10/04/2018 21:40

I've name changed too for this one.

I know where you're coming from, I've had a similar situation with an elderly relative. I left and build my life abroad and my elderly relative was fine with it. He said he's had his chance to live his life and now it was my turn. He lives in assisted accommodation now and has a very busy social life (friends, not family). He also lost his wife and daughter a few years back.
I go back to visit him twice a year but I ring him every week and do Skype calls. I also send him postcards and photos. Honestly you'll regret not going, also if it's anywhere in Europe it's only a short flight back to come and see her. Has she got any friends? Could you try suggesting any social meet ups for her, like the church etc?
But I completely understand the guilt etc, I live with that all the time but at the same time I have to put my DC first.

RemainOptimistic · 10/04/2018 21:45

What are your other hesitations or uncertainties about moving abroad OP?

The aunt can't be the only reason.

plire · 10/04/2018 21:53

Another one to say go.

We didn't go when we had the chance as MIL basically blackmailed us. We divorced anyway.

I still hold a grudge against her.

So bloody selfish. She had her chance at life and raising her children when it was affordable yada yada. We then spent 5 years in shitty flats in London just not to upset her Hmm

PaintedHorizons · 10/04/2018 22:15

Go - arrange care for your aunt-in-law. If she refuses that's her problem.
I may sound cold - I'm not.

My Mother refused to discuss this subject and would not make any arrangements to have help. The inevitable is that what you do increases. More lifts, hospital appointments, shopping, admin, house maintenance. It gets a little bit more every year. And then she gets ill and you drop everything because "what else can you do"? And she still says she is fine and doesn't need help. But you are the one the GP calls when she falls.

Five years later and your children are teens, your career has taken a hit and you are stuck. and it could have all been avoided if she'd discussed the options reasonably instead of sticking her head in the sand.

I am very resentful, although I love my mum, the fact that she would not deal with her own future care has meant that I have had to.

Go away. Help Aunt-in-Law to plan for the future. Encourage her to join a day centre, a church, get carers in - but GO!!!!!!

Original poster
Username9876543 · 10/04/2018 22:38

I understand what you’re all saying, and I do agree that we should go and not be held back in any way. I just don’t know how we can leave her when she is already so reliant on us. We provide her with meals every weekend (she eats almost nothing during the week), we take her shopping, on days out, she’s also very attached to our DCs. Her life would be very empty without us in it.

But on the other hand, if I imagine having to stay here I can already feel a tiny bit of resentment. It doesn’t seem fair to put our lives on hold and effectively wait for someone to pass away before we can start living (and when this opportunity may no longer be available). I just feel so guilty when I think of her living here on her own with no visitors and no one for company. She’s not very sociable so I can’t imagine her making any friends at all.

OP posts:
hellokittymania · 10/04/2018 22:42

I would definitely go! I've spent most of my life living abroad.

lostjanni · 10/04/2018 22:47

It is her fault she is reliant on you not yours. She refuses to have any help apart from you.
Move and get on with your life.

Itsallpropaganda · 10/04/2018 22:48

I would go. You need to realise (as other posters have said) that she will get more and more reliant on you, and could live for another 20 years. This will mean you bypassing lots more opportunities along the way, and getting more and more resentful. Before you know it your DC could be grown up and you'll be looking back on all those missed opportunities and playing full time carer to a demanding elderly relative because she refuses to accept care from anyone else. Tell her he is getting transferred and you have no choice if that makes it easier. I think you'll live to regret it if you don't.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2018 00:09

Your aunt has managed to live this long, she'll figure out how to keep living if that's what she wants to do. To miss out on this opportunity would be ridiculous, not to mention possibly damaging to your marriage. I can't imagine your husband would be too pleased to have an elderly aunt's life garnering more of your concern than his future.