Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move abroad?

33 replies

Username9876543 · 10/04/2018 01:38

(I’ve NC for this as potentially outing)

More of a WWYD rather than AIBU..

DH has been offered a permanent job abroad in a lovely location (I spent some time there in my uni days and fell in love with the place). If DH accepts the offer, both of our DCs would have a much better quality of life, better schooling, etc. and DH’s salary would increase by 50%, so all round a great situation. However, DH has an elderly aunt who lives alone and has no other family locally. She relies on us for company most weekends and doesn’t appear to have many friends. DH thinks we can’t miss out on this opportunity for a better life for our family and we can still speak to aunt every weekend via the phone and fly back for visits every few months, but I’m concerned about leaving an elderly person on their own with no other family around her. WWYD? I don’t want to miss this opportunity either, as I know it would be a tremendously positive change after a bad few years (redundancy, a few bereavements, and a traumatic birth with DC2, to name a few). Is DH being selfish by thinking about what he wants rather than the welfare of his elderly relative?

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 11/04/2018 00:30

I’d put it to aunt-in-law that she either moves with you or has a care plan in place so that you can move knowing she is getting the appropriate level of help. It would mean she has made an informed decision rather than it being made for her. Keeps her independent.

MrsLupo · 11/04/2018 00:58

She won’t accept help from anyone but us.

This rings an alrm bell for me. I think it's unreasonable and quite manipulative. Like pp, I'm Shock that you're even hesitating about this move tbh, and wonder if she hasn't done a bit of a guilt-trip number on you without you even realising. I had a relative like this (though no dream relocation on the horizon, sadly!) and the reality is that they do just fine without you if they set their mind to it. Go!

Yarboosucks · 11/04/2018 01:02

How far away is the new location? How long in a plane?

You say that the aunt has no other family locally, but that suggests that she does have other family…. Have you discussed your dilemma / worries with them?

You can do a lot for her remotely don't forget - shopping deliveries.

There are other means to keep in touch - regular moon pig cards with snaps of you all on it for example.

Also 79 is not so old these days… Are you sure that you are not underestimating her?

Regingaphalange · 11/04/2018 01:04

I would go OP and look into future care for Aunt. Contact social work for an assessment

Quantumblue · 11/04/2018 01:06

Go. We have had 13 years of significant impact on our lives due to care issues with our (much-loved) parents. I have gone seamlessly from career being on hold due to DC to career being on hold due to elder care. It is a big price to pay.
Of course she prefers the current setup but she is asking your DH to sacrifice a wonderful career and family opportunity. You sound like a lovely person but need to have an honest conversation with her.

Want2bSupermum · 11/04/2018 01:13

I have a sick father I travel home to every 3-4 weeks. He could live here in the NYC area FT but chooses not to. His choice. It's my choice to go home to take care of his medical needs. We have people checking in on him. I'm probably going to hire a second nurse soon as it's getting to be quite a few hours for the first nurse and I would feel more comfortable with the back up. Again it's a choice to get the nurse and we pay for it because we can afford it and my dad would never agree. Since we pay it's not negotiable.

My thoughts are that DH comes first, kids second and everyone else third. In this case your DHs needs career wise and benefit to the DC comes before the needs of your elderly aunt.

pigsDOfly · 11/04/2018 01:24

It's possible that if she knew about your opportunity and the chance for a better life her attitude to sheltered housing or similar might be different.

Discussing changing her way of life with her without giving her the reasons why you've brought the subject up isn't really being fair to her. If she's become used to your help, is very reliant on you and perhaps inclined to be a bit selfish she might be reluctant to give that up.

However if she understands what you'd be giving up if you stay and care for her, it's possible she'd be horrified to think she might be standing in your way. As pp said, have an honest conversation with her, she's not a child, treat her like the adult she is and explain what you're planning.

If she's willing to go into sheltered housing all well and good, she goes into care and you go abroad.

If she isn't willing to go into sheltered housing then that's the decision she's made. But you still go abroad.

You can't let her dictate how you live your life as a family. As harsh as it sounds she's not your priority.

plire · 11/04/2018 10:24

Yes and actually she can't have it both ways. If she has nobody here she could come with you, or stay with the reasons she has chosen.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page