To be annoyed by my in-laws opening my mail?

[ILikeMyChickenFried]

We have just come back from spending some time living overseas.
During that time our mail was redirected to my in-laws. We had told them that they shouldn't get anything important as we do banking etc online and to just bin any obvious junk mail.
We picked it up yesterday and they've been opening it all. We don't have any bank statements etc going there but we do get these end of year summaries which they've been able to see as well as some other things I wouldn't really want other people to see.
My husband told them off a bit for it bit they don't think they've done anything wrong.

By obvious junk we meant marketing catalogues etc. This was explained to them.

Amazing how many people here think its ok to open mail despite being asked to not open the mail. My in laws confusion seems less unlikely now!

I would raise an eyebrow but give them the benefit of the doubt. I agree they were just worried they would overlook something you would have wanted informed about. Perhaps you would feel differently if it were your own parents?

In general, I find MN weirdly oriented towards privacy and keeping family at arms' length. "AIBU to be furious that my MIL folded my laundry", "AIBU to not want my ILs visiting until at least 3 years after the birth?" "AIBU to not want my ILs to stay for more than 14 minutes on Christmas Day?"

Did you specifically say to your ILs - "there's no need to actually open our mail"?

Yup

If they hadn't and something important had come through, the AIBU would be:
I can't believe I left my inlaws in charge of receiving my mail and they didnt tell me that my mortgage payments had gone up so we didn't increase our direct debit and now the house is being repossessed. We told them to bin all junk mail but this was obviously important.

And just an fyi, if bloody love it if MIL sorted my laundry!

My DS3 has had his post sent to our house since he moved out. When he wasn't living with us I would open something if it said urgent or wasn't a bank statement or similar.

If I called him to say there was something I didn't recognise he would ask why I hadn't opened it .

Sorry op thought they might have been confused 😕.. Didn't realise you specifically said do not open any.

Can't believe anyone thinks this is remotely ok. Maybe a very little bit of blurred line if you're young single and have just moved out or are on a gap year. None at all if you are an established adult it's weird and invasive. Add to that that op asked them not to open, it's very wrong.

If they did it out of clueless naïveté I suppose you can just put it down to experience, never trust them with your paperwork again and move on.

For those saying it's weird to be private about things- we're talking a grown up couple's financial statements ffs. And those saying they open their stuff for their grown up kids- ok if there's an expectation and precedence but there isn't here. Also ftr my dm did this to me when I was younger and overseas and even sent me my mortgage statement on to me with a handwritten note in it saying 'can you afford this it's gone up'. I knew that because I was a grown up and I felt unbelievably furious about it. No doubt she meant to be helpful but the act implied total disrespect of me as an autonomous adult.

OUT BLEEDING RAGIOUS!!!!!!!!!!

I think in this situation you have to be really clear. We live abroad and post is redirected to my mum's house.
I tell her there shouldn't be anything important but she opens it to check which is fine by us.

If I didn't want her to open it, I would say that to her and she wouldn't.

The question now is, what are you going to do about it, what do you want to happen, how much of a falling out are you prepared to go, over it?

Did you say:

1. "Please do not open our mail"

OR

1. "There's no need to open our mail"

If the latter, I can see why the confusion. They probably thought "it's no hassle to open and sort, then we can be sure nothing important is missed.

If you said the former, did you suspect they might open it? Seems a bit rude to say "don't open my mail" otherwise.

And if you did think they might open it without your permission, why did you trust them to receive it?

I might be getting over-invested here!

Guaranteed your DH doesn't give a fig, btw!!

Basically chicken theres no way to be right, hey? And from a fellow chicken lover too

DH gives more of a fig than me, hence the telling off I mentioned in my first post.

We didn't expect them to open it, as I've already said. When in a similar position we didn't open any mail belonging to my BIL.

We said there's no need. You're correct that in laws may have taken this to mean that we didn't want to bother them with the task of envelope opening. I think an element of nosiness slipped in here though.

Tammy I doubt it will go any further. I'm annoyed, I feel a bit uncomfortable about our privacy being invaded but we aren't the type to go NC with family. DH expressed his unhappiness, we went home. They'll either apologise or not and in a few weeks things will probably go back to normal albeit woth me protecting our privacy more carefully in future.

I think it's a case of differing expectations. You expected them to know not to open it. They thought they had discretion to open it or, yes, were a bit nosey.

Families are funny things. I once referred to my grandmother as a "visitor" when she was staying with my parents and she was offended!

I would open my parents' mail and they mine. But I wouldn't open my brother's.

OTOH although my parents have a key, they ring my doorbell. Whereas I just let myself into their house with my own key.

Perhaps your ILs still view your DH as their child. My own mother read my teenage diary and that pissed me off at the time.

Families eh.

In general, I find MN weirdly oriented towards privacy and keeping family at arms' length.

Chickenvindaloo There’s a huge, huge difference between a little potentially sanctimonious laundry folding and viewing someone’s financial statements though.

Families have their own mores but neither my DPs or my PILs have any idea whatsoever about our salaries or financial position.

It’s not something we would ever discuss. So personally I would find my PIL opening financial statements a horrific breach of trust.

I’m sorry, but it’s just so EASY these days to avoid these fraught situations. Say they’d happily stockpiled the mail in their hallway drawer for weeks, then Pop comes in with a slightly suspiciously ‘official’ looking envelope. Hmmm, he says, what if it’s important? What should we do?

Ummm unless the addressees are in Darkest Darkest Peru in a leper colony with no wifi then it’s clear.

-take a pic of envelope, send with this caption ‘want us to open this and check it’s nothing important?’
-hold up to screen during next Skype/FaceTime call, same question.
-send text (if pics are too hard) asking same.

I mean, if the PILS are too technophobic to manage one of those, then they can’t action anything very important anyway so need to just put everything in the drawer, awaiting its owner.

Sheeesh! At least you’ve answered the other frequent questions that come up on MN. ‘AIBU to expect my PILS to follow basic instructions regarding DC, or should I expect they’ll always put their own interests first and therefore make other arrangements??’.

Not much of a silver lining, but now you know. There’s still a chance (given this is a recent thing?) that they’ll reconsider their choices and apologise like decent people.

My DM likes to huff off defensively, ring everyone she knows to complain about us, hear 15 awkward silences as people carefully side with our viewpoint then give a ‘sorry you felt that way’ type apology!

Pizza flyers don't get forwarded.

You didn't say "Don't open it just leave it to pile up like a fire hazard. " That's the problem.

OP some people are just plain nosey and won't accept responsibility for their wrongdoings.

A couple of years ago while in the process of moving house to another town, I wanted to make sure mail didn't go astray as I was moving into a rental for 10-12 months, so DS offered that I could have mail redirected to their house. Sure, why not, that would be perfect!!! I noticed a few expected things didn't arrive (legal stuff in relation to house sale and medical test results) so phoned and requested copies, but this time I wanted them emailed to make sure I received them.

A few months later I discovered DIL was opening my mail and only passing on what 'she' thought I needed to see, some mail was missing altogether and has never been handed over. One day she phoned 'so upset and crying uncontrollably' and said she had received a nasty letter and was so upset she had to phone her DH (my DS) at work and they discussed the contents of this letter before she phoned me. She didn't know who sent it because the sender didn't include a return address on the back and the letter was unsigned.

Yes, it was a nasty letter about something entirely unrelated (as soon as I read it I knew who had written it anyway, but that's not the point) and absolutely 'nothing' to do with DIL/DS but the fact remained, it was NOT addressed to her and she had NO right to open my mail but thought she was excused because 'she was looking out for me and protecting me'....but....before she opened the handwritten envelope she had absolutely NO idea what it contained so how was she 'protecting' me???

I told her it was illegal to interfere with other people's mail, but the 'crying/sobbing' continued along with the 'protection' excuse. 'If' she had done as agreed with my mail, she would never have seen the contents of the letter, also I'm quite capable of dealing with a malicious letter (although I had never received one previously, this was a first) and if I wanted any help after opening the letter myself, I would have asked. She never apologised but instead was 'insulted' when I cancelled the redirection to their house and the last bundle of mail has never been passed on. She is very close to her equally vindictive mother and I know it would have been discussed with her too...this mother is worse than the Daily Mail and would have been passing on my personal on to everyone else.

So I know exactly how you feel and think you have every right to be furious...as I was. ;-)

YANBU. I would find that really intrusive and very out of order. However, since they haven't done anything similar in the past, I think you probably really just need to let it go, unless you can see a reason for holding on to it.

I think this is probably partly generational - older people are really not as used to the idea that you can do all the important stuff online and so could well be more concerned or anxious about the potential for something to have been missed if the mail was not opened - and partly parental condescension where they just couldn't really accept that their son was truly a responsible adult, could run his own life and deserved the privacy of an adult. So it was easy to talk themselves into opening the mail and checking it "for your sake". It was pretty poor behaviour on their part, but they've probably learnt their lesson after being told off by their son, even if they can't bear to really show it.

Cheeky buggers! Even my nosy mum leaves my mail alone!

I shared a flat with my Mum for about 6 months a while ago whilst we worked in the same city. I remember her once opening a letter from the bank for me on purpose whilst I was out at work even though I would be back in the evening.

I was a bit miffed and asked her not to do it again! I think she thought she was doing me a favour by checking if it was anything urgent.

I'd be very annoyed in your position but I guess you'll have to get your DH to explain why it was inappropriate and then move on as you can't change what's happened. Get DH to do it as they are his parents and he should be supporting you. If you're planning any further stints abroad I would think about whether there is anyone else who can be trusted with the mail.

I live abroad, but DH and I occasionally use my mum’s address and stray bits of mail sometimes end up there as well. I don’t mind her monitoring (in fact I expect her to in case there is anything important), I wouldn’t particularly care if she saw my bank statement. I wouldn’t get my mail sent/redirected to any address where I didn’t trust the person dealing with it. Presumably you could have had it redirected to your address abroad (I have also done this). I wouldn’t see this as a massive problem unless you think they were doing it maliciously out of extreme nosiness - but in that case I’m not sure why you’d have the arrangement in the first place.