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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by my in-laws opening my mail?

74 replies

ILikeMyChickenFried · 09/04/2018 17:14

We have just come back from spending some time living overseas.
During that time our mail was redirected to my in-laws. We had told them that they shouldn't get anything important as we do banking etc online and to just bin any obvious junk mail.
We picked it up yesterday and they've been opening it all. We don't have any bank statements etc going there but we do get these end of year summaries which they've been able to see as well as some other things I wouldn't really want other people to see.
My husband told them off a bit for it bit they don't think they've done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILikeMyChickenFried · 09/04/2018 17:50

Why would we be using their address for tax?

OP posts:
sockunicorn · 09/04/2018 17:52

Shock i wouldnt be happy. so when you said "why did you open it?" they just werent really sure?! How odd

AdaColeman · 09/04/2018 17:53

It's only illegal to open mail not addressed to you if you open it with malicious intent.

Presumably, they were opening it in order to alert you to any unforeseen problems or surprise events.

Perhaps the PO have a service where they hold onto your mail till you collect it, that you could use another time.

CotswoldStrife · 09/04/2018 17:55

Why would companies that send end of year summaries be sending them to an address they know you don't live at when you have been overseas for a year?

WorldofTofuness · 09/04/2018 17:55

Could be worse. I used to know someone whose 'D'P and his whole family were batshit. She rarely stood up to them. Amongst many other faults, her 'D'P's mother used to go round and look at her post. "It fell open when I picked it up," was one justification I actually heard come from batshit woman's mouth. Shock I just couldn't understand how put-upon-woman didn't just ban batshit woman from the house (which was entirely hers, not her 'D'P's, who didn't care).

sonjadog · 09/04/2018 17:56

My Mum does this to mail I get at her address. If it is obviously not important then she doesn’t, but if in any doubt, she does. I think it is good that she checks just in case I am missing something important. If her looking bothered me, I would get my post send elsewhere.

Strawberry2017 · 09/04/2018 17:57

I'd be furious especially when you told them not to. It has nothing to do with them and it's completely out of order.
If they can't respect a simple instrument like that I'd be wary of what I entrusted them with in the future!

mimibunz · 09/04/2018 17:59

In the U.S. it’s a criminal offence to open mail that doesn’t belong to you.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 09/04/2018 17:59

Cotwold - the op said the post was being sent to their address but they had mail redirection on to their in laws.

bonnyshide · 09/04/2018 18:00

I would be incandescent with rage, this is a huge betrayal of trust.

Do they usually have form for disrespecting your privacy?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 09/04/2018 18:02

Op - at least your dh has said something. But disturbing they can't even come up with a reason for opening it all.

I'd tell them you're not happy. And if they can't see why then I'd distance myself as I couldn't trust them. Definitely take your key back off them if they have one!

Original poster
ILikeMyChickenFried · 09/04/2018 18:04

They don't have form for this kind of thing. I get the impression they generally thought they were being helpful. I'm just cross because we asked them to just hold it, not open it. I wouldn't dream of doing this, for several years we had BIL's mail redirected to us as he was travelling with no fixed address. We never opened a single letter.

OP posts:
Copperbonnet · 09/04/2018 18:04

Why would companies that send end of year summaries be sending them to an address they know you don't live at when you have been overseas for a year?

Not all companies will redirect your mail abroad. In which case they ask for a U.K. mailing address in your absence. It’s pretty standard.

My parents collect mail for us. Most of my expat friends who are only temporarily abroad have the same arrangement with family members.

Oldbutstillgotit · 09/04/2018 18:07

My ex-husband used to open my mail and it drove me nuts. It was back in the 80s so no email but lots of personal letters . He refused to stop on the grounds that he was entitled to see anything that went into “ his “ house . His Dad did that too. I ended up having my mail redirected to a friend’s house.
Yet another reason he is my ex.......

Original poster
ILikeMyChickenFried · 09/04/2018 18:08

God, how awful Oldbut!

OP posts:
WhaleTasting · 09/04/2018 18:17

f her looking bothered me, I would get my post send elsewhere.

Well they didn't know did they Hmm

Op told her pil there was nothing important and to bin obvious junk mail. That doesn't mean "open anything that we recive"

It means bin pizza flyers and put the rest on the side.

I'd be furious OP and struggle with the relationship after that. Also I'd get a load of stuff from Ann Summers and Love Honey sent over.

Slartybartfast · 09/04/2018 18:18

oh well, they thought they were being helpful, i opened dc mail, while she was abroad, after checking with her

Slartybartfast · 09/04/2018 18:19

you cant tell by the envelope whether the mail is important or not.

Original poster
ILikeMyChickenFried · 09/04/2018 18:20

I'd say they key there is "after checking with her"

Obviously I wouldn't have an issue with them opening the mail of they'd asked if they should open anything and we had said yes

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 09/04/2018 18:21

I did say straight away that I don't think they should have opened it!

Yes it's a redirection which means that the companies involved may not be aware that the OP is overseas. A family member of ours had a lot of accounts closed as soon as they worked elsewhere (a good call to be fair from the financial institutions concerned as they did stay quite a while in the end). I couldn't even pay a cheque in for them here as I didn't have the right paying-in slip despite it being the same bank as the account was now in a different country.

There's a clear difference between say a brown HMRC envelope and a White Company brochure though. And in that case, I'd be contacting the person the HMRC letter was addressed to to see if they wanted it opened or forwarded on.

TammyWhyNot · 09/04/2018 18:23

They were probably just checking what to bin and what to re-direct.

They shouldn't have done it but I think you are over-reacting with the 'illegal' stuff.

They were doing you a favour, you gave them some leeway to use judgement by telling them to bin what they considered junk, this probably made them nervous or something.

You're home from a trip, they did you a favour, you didn't like them opening your mail...move on and don't create ongoing bad feeling.

Livinglifepeachy · 09/04/2018 18:26

I would of thought its because of the junk mail you told them to bin. So maybe opened to check whether they are important or not.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 09/04/2018 18:34

I think YABU as they wwere opening it to see what was important and what was binnable, as you asked them to bin junk mail. (How else would they know???)

Next time use the "keep safe" service.

WheelyCote · 09/04/2018 18:35

I'm in the

They maybe thought they were keeping an eye out for something important that needs to be dealt with..camp.

I've moved lots and it doesn't matter how well I think I think I've done updating all that matter. There's always the one letter that you couldn't forsee and needs seeing quickly.

It's a boundary issue...you feel they've overstepped and yes they have. For them it's a probably a parental issue....keeping an eye out to protect their child from anything that might come out of the blue

madeyemoodysmum · 09/04/2018 18:37

Awful behaviour. My mum opened my o levels results before me. I've still not got over that.