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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever OK to snatch?

54 replies

PetitChoux · 09/04/2018 13:21

I have a bright 18 months old. He understands everything I tell him and has quite a large vocabulary. We communicate with words, not by pushing/pulling etc.

Some family members of DH visited last week. My son has a large number of toys and is good at sharing his toys. However there are a few items that are special to him and that he does not like to share (maybe 5 items in total).

The child (3.5 years) who came to visit wanted a specific toy A that my child was holding. The child's parent walked to my son and handed him toy B, with a view that my son would let go of toy A. Bearing in mind that both toys belong to my son, my son did not let go toy A. At this point, the child's parent literally started pulling toy A from my child's grip. My son was holding on tightly and that adult was pulling, and hurt my son! My son was upset because he was having his toy snatched from him, and he was also being hurt!!

I was so angry and said "we do not snatch from my son!" and stormed off. I called for my son to follow me, and he followed me away from the situation.

Now, as we visit these family members maybe once a month or every 2 months. I want to speak to the adult and explain to him that the way he interacted with my son was unacceptable! I do not teach my son to snatch and I would not expect an adult to snatch from him. My DH wants me to keep quiet for the sake of keeping peace.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
PetitChoux · 09/04/2018 13:45

We have other children around quite often. The toys in the house belong to my son and visiting children will play with those. So my son does share! There are a few toys that he will not share. I have not pushed his because we all own items that we do not share with others.

Children snatching, not a problem! I am not ok with an adult snatching from a toddler.

OP posts:
mamahanji · 09/04/2018 13:45

The we do not snatch from my son! Bit sounds ridiculous. Not 'we do not snatch!' But you had to add 'my son' which sounds really odd pfb. That adult shouldn't have tried to take the toy off your child and you should have said 'sorry what do you think you are doing? Don't take things off him please, that is his.'

As a rule, we don't have 'special' toys out when people are round as I don't expect them to share their special ones but it's not fair to have them out but not able to play with in front of others.

If you have other children round, don't have things out that only your son can have but not them. Put them in his room. It isn't fair on them.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/04/2018 13:46

Oh well if it was the adult snatching. I take it back. The op is 100% in the right to be peeved. I can be an adult and apologise if I'm in the wrong.

PinkCalluna · 09/04/2018 13:46

Rookie mistake. Toys your child is not prepared to share should be put away before other children come to play.

I’m not clear why you snapped. Why not say “Toy A is his special toy, let’s find little Jimmy something else instead”.

Ivorbig1 · 09/04/2018 13:48

You are in danger of being labelled “one of those parents”.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 13:48

So put the "special" toys away. Simple.
And step in if you're not happy with how an adult treats your child at the time. Don't moan and stalk imperiously off after the event. Confused

MollyDaydream · 09/04/2018 13:50

The adult snatching was being unreasonable.
Special toys should be put away during playdates.

Original poster
PetitChoux · 09/04/2018 13:50

I should not have snapped. I think it was a mixture of shock to see the adult pulling at a toy that my son was holding on tightly... and my DH being a foot away and not stepping in!

As we see these people quite often, I feel I need to bring it up.

OP posts:
bryheresse · 09/04/2018 13:53

The time to have the discussion would have been when it happened.

Bringing it up on another occasion would be a massive overreaction.

In all likelihood, they got the message by you yelling at them and storming out.

If they do anything like that again, then have a chat. Doing it now would be very precious and holier-than-thou.

AlphaApple · 09/04/2018 13:54

The thing is toys are so so much more desirable to a kid when they see another kid playing with them, so there will always be competition for them.

OP you lost your cool, I would imagine that the situation would have enraged many many parents, even those lecturing you on this thread Wink

I would put it out of your mind now, no good will come of following up. But be prepared for your kid to be the snatcher in future.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 13:57

The time to bring it up was then. Not hours or days later.

Original poster
PetitChoux · 09/04/2018 13:57

Thank you all for responding... I think the parent did get the message. I will not call him to discuss this even though I am still boiling inside! However if this ever happens again I will addresss it (Cooly).

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 09/04/2018 13:59

I think the only way you can bring this up to to apologise for snapping at another adult.

Otherwise you sound like a nutter to rehash this.

Jackiebrambles · 09/04/2018 13:59

I really wouldn’t bring it up again, they’ll have seen your reaction and will no doubt tread carefully next time! I’m sure they didn’t mean any harm, in my experience it’s good for kids to be encouraged to share. And does an 18 month old really ‘unshareable’ toys?? (I mean aside from comfort toys like blankie or Cuddly).

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 14:00

Boiling inside? Seriously? Your child will have many more terrible injustices to face in their lives. You might want to chill out a bit.

MatildaTheCat · 09/04/2018 14:01

Meh, just hide his special toys before other dc come over. I have to do this with my dog, too. Grin

Sarsparella · 09/04/2018 14:02

Why on earth would you bring this up again? I think they got the message!

I do think the other adult was unreasonable to try to pull a toy off a child but you completely over reacted too so id call it quits & move on

GnotherGnu · 09/04/2018 14:02

You're right that the adult's behaviour was pretty disgraceful, but you could have dealt with it simply by saying something like "Sorry, that's X's favourite toy, let's give Y something else to play with?" So if you really feel you need to talk to the person concerned, it would be tactful to start with an apology for your reaction.

huginamugwankinapacket · 09/04/2018 14:03

Was the other parent aware this was a precious toy? Perhaps the other parent misunderstood the situation and thought their child had it first or something like that? Instead of shouting and storming off, couldn't you say 'sorry that's a special toy to my son and he doesn't want to share it right now'?

It's fine for kids not to want to share, it's normal for kids to snatch (they are not naughty, and neither are ones that push/pull btw), but you need to act your age about it.

Butteredparsn1ps · 09/04/2018 14:06

Just wondering if Toy A was especially noisy or annoying in any other way?

huginamugwankinapacket · 09/04/2018 14:07

Right ok I just read some of your other comments and it seems the parent likely didn't misunderstand, and they were totally out of order. I do still think you could have just said 'sorry he doesnt' want to share' or whatever instead of shouting and storming off.

Ringing now would look foolish, although you could speak with them and ask them calmly why it happened if you really want to. They may have an explanation that makes more sense. I wouldn't rush in, anyway, unless they didn't have a good explanation then I'd firmly say there are toys he does not like to share and you'd rather it was left up to him if he wants to share them.

NerrSnerr · 09/04/2018 14:07

In this situation I would have asked the other parent to stop being an arse, but the flounce was too much.

Please don't over egg how brilliant your son is at playing/ sharing/ talking to other parents you know- it just sounds smug and there is a lot of toddlerhood left- very few people get through unscathed!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2018 14:09

No don’t bring it up again. You’ll seem ridiculous. They were being very pfb and rude with their child though. If there are any toys your ds doesn’t want to share, they need to be put out of sight before inviting another child in.

MsSquiz · 09/04/2018 14:09

I don't understand why you watched an adult snatch a toy and didn't intervene until the adult had it?

Going forward I would:
Ensure any special toys that your DS doesn't like to share a put away so the situation doesn't happen again.
If any adult approached your child and attempts to take a toy from him, ask what is going and intervene before your child gets hurt.

PercyPigAddict · 09/04/2018 14:11

I think you've probably made your feelings on the subject clear so there's probably no need to reiterate it to the person involved. (Although I would be tempted to do this to make the point to your DH that saying nothing "to keep the peace" is a slippery slope to hell...)

I do agree it's unnacceptable for an adult to snatch a toy from a child - but as pp have said, stoming off porbably wasn't the best way to handle it. (Although I imagine you might have been slightly shocked, I'm not sure how I would have reacted in that weird situation!)

In future keep your dc's special toys hidden away when other children are there - no good can come of having them mixed in with the stuff that's for sharing.

As a side note, I don't really like the obsession with sharing that we seem to be obliged to indoctrinate our children with. Often it's just license for one bolshy kid to walk up and take whatever they want from other kids, then cry about them "not sharing!" if they dare to say no. As adults we're not expected to share our favourite "toys" (cars, phones, laptops) with all and sundry, so it's a bit rich that we expect more from toddlers than ourselves.