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AIBU?

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Original poster

If someone says ‘you have done things to annoy me’ what do you think?

26 replies

MismatchedStripySocks · 09/04/2018 13:19

My colleague is, for want of a better word, feisty. This morning she yelled at me and one of the things she yelled (several times) was ‘there are loads of things I have held my tongue over because you’re unreasonable’. Seriously, the woman talks for Ireland, so unlikely.

I asked her on at least three occasions what at least one of these misdemeanours was and she wouldn’t tell me Confused

If I genuinely have done something I would like to put it right but I am wracking my brains and can’t think what it is.

This is the woman who once screamed at me and called me a fucking bitch because I had taken my key to lunch and had locked hers in the office. This was accidental as it was supposed to be on her lanyard but she had left it in her handbag. Was I supposed to check?!!

It’s only us in the office too, not sure how to deal with this Sad

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 09/04/2018 13:21

Speak to a supervisor. No one should be yelling at an employee.

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/04/2018 13:23

Don't try and think about what you may or may not have done. She's totally in the wrong here. If she has an issue with you or your work she needs to raise it properly. She should not be shouting and swearing at you. If she can't talk to you about working together than that's her issue and your management should be protecting you from her unreasonableness.

Do you have a management structure?

Cath2907 · 09/04/2018 13:26

I am blessed / cursed with a self confidence that sometimes borders on arrogance. My sister tells me I am also a bit "on the spectrum" - she is probably right I don't understand social nicety very well so can be a bit blunt and accidentally offended unless I am carefully thinking of what to say to conform with the set of wierd rules I know normal people use. If it was someone I really liked and cared for I'd be a bit concerned I'd accidentally upset them and would ask for more detail so I could rectify my error. If you are my friend you know I am odd so either would have got over being offended or would explain to me so I could file it as something not to be done again.

If it was a non-friend and they brought it up nicely I'd appologise and file it under things not to do again and then assume it was all sorted.

If it it was anyone and they were screaching at me about me being unreasonable I think I'd pull a face and say "like I care?" then walk off. They would then go in the mental pile of people not to bother with again.

Why do you care if you've annoyed her - she sounds unreasonable? If your behaviour is normally not-offensive then it sounds like she is trying to be offended. Ignore her.

MistressDeeCee · 09/04/2018 13:26

Grow a spine tell her to never to shout at you. & that if she can't tell you what you've supposedly done wrong then she's to keep quiet . Also tell her you will discuss work only with her. & discussion will cease if she starts shouting. In fact - put that to her in writing. Then disengage.

You're the one who's going to have to stop being a pushover for someone who is unprofessional and is probably just taking out her life frustrations on you. No matter what advice you will get on this thread - that's the bottom line.

There are loads of assertiveness tools online. It would do you good to read them. I don't know if you are young but in the adult world of work you'll be eaten alive by ignorant jaded people with petty grievances and their life stresses to expunge, if you don't learn how to stand up for yourself in professional fashion.

It's the luck of the draw to be in a workplace where everyone is nice. It doesn't happen that often

gamerwidow · 09/04/2018 13:29

Raise a grievance. Even if you have done something to upset her this is not the way for her to challenge you on it.
If there is a problem with your work then she needs to tell you what it is so that you can address it. What she doesn't get to do is to shout and scream at you or do all this passive aggressive 'you know what you did' nonsense.
It's bullying on her part and it's not ok.

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 13:29

This is the woman who once screamed at me and called me a fucking bitch

Nasty, how did you react to that?

Do you have a Manager to talk to regarding her behaviour towards you?

Takfujuimoto · 09/04/2018 13:30

Tell her she sounds like a fucking fish wife and that if she can't or won't tell you reasonably what you've done to annoy her she can button up her sodding trap.

Ivorbig1 · 09/04/2018 13:32

Feisty is an alternative word for bully.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2018 13:32

Ugh. Ignore her for today, and if she goes on, just say you'd be pleased to know what you've done to upset her that she'd felt she needed to hold her tongue over, because if you don't know, you can't do anything about it.

Then report her to management for being a bullying cow. (maybe in more professional terms than that!)

Original poster
MismatchedStripySocks · 09/04/2018 13:45

Thanks everyone. I have spoken to my line manager who said she could speak to her but I said I would need to think on that. I guess it’s hard because it’s literally just us in the office and we sit 4 feet apart! I know she’s depressed but I can’t have it taken out on me.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 09/04/2018 13:46

'Either tell me what the problem is, calmly, or fuck off out of my face.' That's what I'd be saying to her. Well, maybe I'd try to be a little more grown up and say 'Perhaps when you've calmed down you could be more specific about your problem, but I'm not interested in having you scream at me, so go away.'
Or I'd just stand there with a patronizing smile on my face until she wound down, then say 'Better now?' and walk off. I'm quite the fan of dealing with unreasonable attention seeking bullies by being calmly indifferent to them and/or as condescending as possible until they throw such an epic tanty that they face consequences from eg management (for unprofessional behaviour) or friends (who stop wanting to be around them.

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 13:47

She might be depressed but that's no excuse for being aggressive and shouty to a colleague at work.

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 13:49

Practice saying I will not tolerate being spoken to like this, if this happens again I will be making an official complaint about your behaviour towards me and make sure she knows you mean it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/04/2018 13:49

That's abuse. Speak to your supervisor.

QueenDoris · 09/04/2018 13:53

You should sing 'I know a song that will get on your nerves' over and over

plus eat really smelly food - mackerel sandwiches, that sort of thing

and sniff every 30 seconds

then she will really know what annoying is

Tainbri · 09/04/2018 13:55

I think youve done the right thing in talking to your line manager so they're aware now in case of any future outbursts. She has totally overstepped the mark in how she is treating you and yes, if this behaviour is "normal" for her it is unacceptable and bullying, whatever her personal issues are. Personally I would keep a private log of her conduct with times and dates as evidence in case you need it for the future. You should not put up with being her metaphorical punch bag.

Original poster
MismatchedStripySocks · 09/04/2018 13:55

Currently sat in my local shopping centre hoping she will have gone to lunch by the time I get back.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 09/04/2018 13:57

OP why are you preventing Line Manager from speaking to her? So what if you share an office? That's not stopped her bullying you.

Maybe it's easier for those of us who are a bit older - I suspect you're young - but I'd wipe the floor with someone like that. I'm at work to be professional and do my work, I simply wouldn't allow that behaviour towards me.

Well then..good luck sorting all that out.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2018 14:04

If you're not going to stand up for yourself, then you need the Line Manager to do it for you. Honestly. It's awkward anyway, isn't it? You're avoiding the office hoping not to see her!

Nikephorus · 09/04/2018 14:10

Cath2907My sister tells me I am also a bit "on the spectrum"
Tell your sister that you're either on the spectrum or you're not. It's a condition, not a term to be used as an insult.

Sn0tnose · 09/04/2018 14:15

The thing to consider is whether your line manager talking to her could possible make the atmosphere in the office any worse than it is already? She's already screaming and swearing at you and you're sitting in a shopping centre hoping to avoid her until after lunch. How much worse can it get? People work to pay the bills and/or because they have a passion for their job, not to allow someone to make them feel sick with dread as Monday morning approaches.

She's not feisty. She's a bully. Feisty would be you refusing to accept her behaviour and telling your management to do something to make it stop.

Original poster
MismatchedStripySocks · 09/04/2018 14:18

I’m 35 next week Blush Don’t think that counts as young but a wimp definitely. I should just go for the meeting really. She’s put a desk in front of the radiator ffs Angry

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 14:22

Don't be a wimp [your word not mine] and afraid of confrontation.

Let her know you won't tolerate it any longer.

Elementtree · 09/04/2018 14:23

I think, "well of course, everyone is annoying, suck it up buttercup".

Sounds like a shit day at work though, op.

gamerwidow · 09/04/2018 14:45

Confrontation is hard and sometimes it's easier to ignore than to challenge people because of the fear of making things worse. People like your colleague get that way in part because no one ever pulls them up on their behaviour. I don't envy your position but I think you do have to let your manager speak to her.

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