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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DS to it?

49 replies

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 10:30

DS is 15, just finishing his first year of GCSE's. He's a bright lad but needs to work to get results. I've always been quite a strict parent and taken away the ps/phone etc if work wasn't being done but I'm now thinking, at 15, he should understand he needs to do these things himself and I shouldn't have to force him.

Anyway, he has just finished a few exams (kind of mock mocks) and at the start it was the usual 'me nagging him to revise and him doing it reluctantly because of my nagging'. I was so fed up with it that I confided in a few friends and the consensus seemed to be "you can't force him" and "bad results will maybe shake him up".

So, against all my insticts, I changed tack and sat him down for a chat, pointing out he needed to work to get results but it was his responsibility to do that so I was leaving it up to him. It ended up with very little revision being done, so I'm not expecting great results from these exams and I'm now worried my plan has backfired!

Has anyone been through this that can give me a bit of advice?

OP posts:

CrispsForTea · 09/04/2018 10:37

No experience being the parent, but experience being the one with exams. I found that my mum telling me to revise actually made me not want to (even if I was previously feeling good about it). Teenagers don't like being told what to do!!

My advice would be to help him write a revision timetable that he thinks he'll actually be able to stick to and get him to come up with things he can reward himself with if he gets X amount of work done. For me, it was doing X hours of work during the day meant I could have an hour of playing the sims guilt-free in the evening!
I don't know if that sounds a little like a child's reward system but if he comes up with it himself then it doesn't feel so childish haha!

My other advice would be to do timed past papers (e.g. 2 X 2 hour papers per day is 4 hours of good revision), but make sure he marks them himself so he gets to know the mark scheme!

Hope that was a little helpful!

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 10:41

Thanks Crisps, it was helpful. Im not used to leaving them to it so I'm itching to take control

Getting him to come up with his own reward system is a great idea! At the moment he's banned from the ps during the week so an hour a night after revision would seem like a bonus!

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/04/2018 10:42

Rather than focus on the revision/exams bit, I have always had a party-line of the better your exam results are, the more career-choices you have in life. DD seemed to 'get' this, and has done fine. Also discussed a couple of examples of young people we knew who were bright, but had not fulfilled potential (at this stage anyway). Stopped it feeling like nagging for me at any rate

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 10:48

SpongeBob we've discussed all of that but he can't see past the immediate iyswim. On the other hand, DD is 2 years younger and is already researching Uni's!

I don't think it helps that the subjects he enjoys and are good at, don't necessarily lead to specific jobs. He's already said that he could do a degree in that subject but is unsure after that. He really doesn't know what he wants to do as a job.

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ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/04/2018 10:51

Also no experience of parenting this age group but I agree that being told to revise resulted in me spending hours watching a spider climb a wall or counting the flowers on my bedroom wallpaper just out of pure stubbornness I have a 12yo and I am finding it hard to resist the urge to “nag” him to revise for his assessments. I have (maybe foolishly?) incentivised him by paying for As. It seems to be working in that he will discuss how much he hopes to have earned and how he will spend it. I’ve told him his results are up to him and if he wants the grades he’ll work for them. Still resisting the urge to nag.

ClareB83 · 09/04/2018 10:51

I used to deliberately not revise for mocks so I could see where I needed to focus for the real exams. Who cares if his mock mocks are bad? It was a practice run for him and for you in leaving him to it.

Wait for the results before you panic. It may show that he needs to focus on particular subjects/modules and that will help him plan next time.

I agree with pp about helping him make a plan rather than nagging him.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/04/2018 10:53

I was just like your son as a kid. My mum begging, pleading, cajoling, anything to make me do some revision. I did none. Literally none for GCSEs. I sailed through them (luckily) as I just pushed back always to my parents.

Didn’t quite work out the same when it came to A Levels where I didn’t do nearly as well!

You can’t make him revise. So don’t try. I think you’re doing exactly the right thing.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 09/04/2018 11:03

My db spent all day studying, i found it really depressing to watch. So when it was my turn a year later I declared that studying was cheating, and if I hadnt learnt the first time then that was tough shit I surprisingly did do really well and I do now half arsedstudy for uni exams

Handsfull13 · 09/04/2018 11:04

We are having this problem with my SS15 he has no motivation at all.
We tried nagging and he didn't care, then taking away things but he didn't react and even having a chat he said if he fails it's fine he'll be a cleaner. 🤦🏻‍♀️

His mum has made the decision to let him control it now and won't be pushing him at all. We hate that idea and think if we don't have the motivation to push him and show we care what he does then why should he.

He doesn't like long term motivation because it's too far away he already writes it off. So we are trying small rewards on a weekly basis which he can cash in every week or bank it to save up for something big.

I see GCSE as the building block for everything else. Everywhere asks for C minimums for even the basic college courses so we want to help him get that far. Then he has options to move forward with instead of having to retake subjects.

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 11:04

All great responses on here, thank you so much! I feel much better already!

Clare yes, him making his own plan is definitely what I'm going to do.

Zibbidoo what do you mean by paying for As? I pay them for chores so I know money is always an incentive!

Diana, thank you. Having someone say I'm doing the right thing puts my mind at ease. God, parenting is hard!

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Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 11:09

I declared that studying was cheating This sounds like DS

He doesn't like long term motivation because it's too far away he already writes it off. This, definitely.

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jamoncrumpets · 09/04/2018 11:13

As a teacher my hardest job BY FAR was coaxing reluctant 15 year old boys into completing their coursework or taking their exams seriously. Not ALL 15yo boys, but a LOT of them. Part of me wished they could have an extra year to catch up with the girls in terms of emotional maturity. But that would, of course, penalise the more diligent ones.

jamoncrumpets · 09/04/2018 11:15

My parents fell foul of this. They had two daughters, who they pretty much left to their own devices to crack on with it all. We both did pretty well. Then a big gap. Then my brother. A COMPLETELY different kettle of fish altogether. No amount of extra tutors or supervised revision could change his mindset. And my poor lovely parents were blindsided by it.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/04/2018 11:18

Zibbidoo what do you mean by paying for As? I pay them for chores so I know money is always an incentive!

He gets £5 for every A he gets in his assessments. He already gets £20 a month pocket money which pays for his phone and things like cinema with friends. He does chores for his pocket money. He has a scout camp coming up and also wants to save for a gaming PC so the money incentive for his grades is right up his alley (for now- I hope it still works in 4 years!)

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 11:20

Jamon Why is this? Is it simply maturity?

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jamoncrumpets · 09/04/2018 11:22

I wish I knew HolyMoly, I feel it's maturity, but I have met some very mature 15 year old boys too. I'm aware that I'm generalising hugely but I think 15 yo boys are still deeply in puberty whereas girls seem to be emerging from the other side by that age. I know I'll get jumped on for this. It's just my feeling after 12 years of working closely with that age group.

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 11:25

He gets £5 for every A he gets in his assessments.

Ah, I see. I've done this in the past but it kind of fell by the wayside, although I gave DD money a couple of weeks ago after her latest good results. A more structured approach to this (£5 for every A) might work, thanks!

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Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 11:27

I think 15 yo boys are still deeply in puberty

Funnily enough jamon DS is a slow starter and actually hasn't hit puberty yet, he's the smallest person in his class. This never even crossed my mind. Interesting!

OP posts:

Funnyface1 · 09/04/2018 11:29

I don't have any experience of this yet, my children are still young.

My DM always said things like "your exam results don't affect me at all. It's about you, your future and what kind of job you'll have. Do you want new phones, holidays and a choice as to where you buy your clothes in the future? Or do you want to take the bus forever because you can't afford to learn how to drive, let alone run a car? Lots of people work the same hours and put the same amount of hard work in, but they don't make the same amount of money. We won't be funding you forever."

A bit frank but it worked.

Slartybartfast · 09/04/2018 11:33

Would he listen to another family member rather than you? or any other adult?
i think that might help ime

Loobyh · 09/04/2018 11:35

Have a read of this...
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201005/motivating-your-adolescent-perform
There are some subtleties here that need thinking about.

PancakeBum · 09/04/2018 11:35

This is an unpopular opinion on mumsnet but yes tbh I would leave him to it. My mum was a single parent of five of us and worked nights - she HAD to have a "hands off" approach. I was pretty lazy tbh but I still got good GCSEs and A levels. In actual fact when I did my degree it was really useful that I hadn't had a parent standing over me because I knew full well how to study independently and manage my time.

I found my peers whose parents had been breathing down their necks and organising them really didn't cope well with the sudden freedom and ended up very stressed.

scaryteacher · 09/04/2018 11:36

I pushed ds during IGCSEs, and he did very well. He thought AS levels would be a breeze, and didn't revise, despite me telling him he needed to, and having taught AS level, I knew what I was talking about. He crashed and burned in his January modules. It was a huge wake up call, given it then affected his chances of getting into a good university.

He worked after that, got a First at university and is now doing his MA. He needed to fail (or to screw up, as he did get grades, just not good ones for the Jan AS exams), as it gave him the boot up the arse he needed.

He is home for Easter, so I am about to insert the boot up his arse again to get him planning for his final project.

We used the carrot of driving lessons for every A or A* at IGCSE. He still has to cash this in, but we will add some for his First as well. It seemed to work.

Thingsthatgo · 09/04/2018 11:36

I was a bright student, but really struggled to revise. My parents put in place a very structured money reward system that was results driven. It was carefully constructed subject by subject (ie I got less money for subjects I found easy) and put on a piece of paper next to where I revised. I even wrote and drew on it the fun things I could do that summer with the money. It wasn’t thousands of pounds, but it was enough that I could have a fun summer holiday without having to get a job. It worked for me! Plus I was really proud of my results.

jamoncrumpets · 09/04/2018 11:38

I would 100% advise against financial motivators. Lots of my friends got paid for passing their GCSEs, only two went on to university.

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