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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DS to it?

49 replies

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 10:30

DS is 15, just finishing his first year of GCSE's. He's a bright lad but needs to work to get results. I've always been quite a strict parent and taken away the ps/phone etc if work wasn't being done but I'm now thinking, at 15, he should understand he needs to do these things himself and I shouldn't have to force him.

Anyway, he has just finished a few exams (kind of mock mocks) and at the start it was the usual 'me nagging him to revise and him doing it reluctantly because of my nagging'. I was so fed up with it that I confided in a few friends and the consensus seemed to be "you can't force him" and "bad results will maybe shake him up".

So, against all my insticts, I changed tack and sat him down for a chat, pointing out he needed to work to get results but it was his responsibility to do that so I was leaving it up to him. It ended up with very little revision being done, so I'm not expecting great results from these exams and I'm now worried my plan has backfired!

Has anyone been through this that can give me a bit of advice?

OP posts:

Cath2907 · 09/04/2018 11:40

My mum left me to it for my mocks which I failed spectacularly. It was the motivation I needed and passed all my actual GCSEs at A grade (no such thing as A* back in those days). Are you intending to nag him for his A levels and at Uni too? Let him fail some mock mocks and then tell him off for not doing enough - it might just scare him into doing more work next time!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/04/2018 11:44

He is home for Easter, so I am about to insert the boot up his arse again to get him planning for his final project.

For his masters?? I think if you’re still having to boot a 20 something man up the arse to study then whatever you’ve been doing previously hasnt worked!! - -and possibly you need to step back a bit- -

jamon how did they all do in their GCSEs?

museumum · 09/04/2018 11:45

Your plan has not “backfired”. If he did no work and got good results anyway tha would be a backfiring. He needs the shoddy results to complete your plan and pull his finger out. If I were you I’d be hoping he does badly in these results.

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 11:48

Loobyh Great link, thank you!

I'm really surprised by some of these answers, I thought I'd get flamed!

OP posts:

SeaToSki · 09/04/2018 11:49

Maybe you can help him with working out how he best likes to revise. Is he a visual learner and writing it out on post its and drawing flowcharts works best. Is he an auditory learner and reading it out loud works best. Does working in a group and explaining it to someone help him understand and remember, does drilling problems help more.

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 11:51

If I were you I’d be hoping he does badly in these results. You're right, although I'm dreading a call from his teachers if he does!

OP posts:

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 11:54

SeaToSki Good point. He's definitely visual, he prefers writing everything down and it's what he's done in the past.

Some great tips on here, thanks all

OP posts:

Bonkersblond · 09/04/2018 12:05

Have started financial reward for every A for effort DS gets in end of term report, he’s a bright kid but lacks motivation for revision and homework in general. I’m not rewarding the result only the effort, he got 1a, so a fiver at Easter😬, his results would be flying if he put the effort in.

scaryteacher · 09/04/2018 12:07

Zibbido We are funding his MA, as we did his BA, in full, so I want him to do well. We are normally in different countries, so I am well stepped back, but he needs to make contact with people for research for this, and is putting it off. I am reminding him that just because it's important for him, doesn't mean it's important for someone else, and to get the letters/emails out early. Prior planning prevents and all that.

He's bright, but disorganised, unlike his Dad, who is highly organised and has his life planned out work wise for the next six months. I can be a last minute merchant, but ds takes it to extremes at times.

KatieKat88 · 09/04/2018 12:08

Hi OP, I'm a teacher and find that a lot of my students don't really understand how to revise, how much to revise and how often to go over topics they've already revised! Might be worth a chat with him about revision techniques? Lots of mine get demoralised because they revised for mocks and then did badly. Turns out that they think 30 mins of reading a revision guide the night before the exam is enough and I have to gently burst their bubble that they need more and it won't 'stick' by just reading through stuff. Unless I have that conversation they decide that it's not worth revising again because it didn't make a difference!

I'd say try short term incentives and try to support where you can (if they want you to) by quizzing them on their notes or asking them to explain something to you (this can help knowledge stick better).

Also to a PP who has said about not bothering to revise for mocks so you know what to revise for the real exams - useful to an extent but actually can make it seem impossible to catch up if it transpires that you don't know much about anything - it also makes it hard for teachers to guide them and plan effectively for future lessons as we can't target specific areas of weakness as easily so gives students more to do on their own.

Slartybartfast · 09/04/2018 12:20

University isn't the be all and end all in life

ClareB83 · 09/04/2018 12:27

That was me @KatieKat88 and I went to a shit school where teachers did nothing about revision/off the back of mocks so it made no difference to them.

Also I was a good student, there wasn't much risk of it turning out I knew nothing. I'd kind of hope there's not much risk of that with poor students either though. Surely if you're going to lessons, doing homework, exam practice and coursework something should stick! Otherwise we might as well scrap it all and just have revision before exams.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/04/2018 12:37

“My DM always said things like "your exam results don't affect me at all”

Unfortunately that is less true today. Poor results often lead to poorly paid jobs. Do you really want your kids still living with you until well into their 30s?

PancakeBum not every teenager is as motivated as you. Teenagers have different levels of maturity at that age, and my experience with DD was that she did need a little more coaxing to revise. She is 17 now and is more motivated than she was at 15, but occasionally needs a reminder that if she wants to go to medical school she needs to put more effort in.

Just a word of warning – quite a few of DD’s peers who sailed through GCSEs without much effort have come a cropper with A levels.

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 12:52

Katie That's something I think he's struggling with and tbh I am too! The school keeps talking about 'mind maps' and such and it's all a bit confusing.

I've bought flash cards for him to put the important information on (this helped me) and got a few revision guides but it's hard to know where to start. One subject a day? Two subjects a day, one hour each? One subject a week with a couple of test papers at the end? It's hard to actually revise when there are so many options!

The starting point is giving him the revision options and letting him pick the best one for himself and then trust him to do it.

As teachers, Katie and jamon (and any others), any advice?

OP posts:

KatieKat88 · 09/04/2018 13:26

@ClareB83 I would also hope they have picked some stuff up along the way but I'm sitting here marking mocks now and with some it's not the case apparently... I have a great year 11 group but a couple still make assertions without any evidence (and can do it perfectly in lessons when they've just learnt the topic so it's frustrating as hell!) I think it's one of the big challenges of the new style GCSEs - much bigger focus on knowing lots of specifics and less straightforward questions so they write about the wrong stuff.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/04/2018 13:30

We are funding his MA, as we did his BA, in full, so I want him to do well.

I don’t doubt that at all, most parents want their Dc to do well, regardless of who funds the education. What I was querying was why it was necessary to give him the parental kick up the arse. Surely he is already at the point where he can manage his own studies? I mean, he’s doing a masters! He is an adult. Why hasn’t he learned that by now?

ClareB83 · 09/04/2018 13:30

Well thank you @KatieKat88 for trying to fix this now.

I spend many hours reviewing documents at work (not a teacher) and writing comments like 'Why?', 'where is your evidence?', 'Footnote source'. So if you could knock this into students now maybe they'll manage it in the workplace!

KatieKat88 · 09/04/2018 13:34

@HolyMolyBatman flash cards are great (they need to be specific and create quite a lot of them but the process of creating them as well as testing helps it stick). Mind maps are good because you can use colour and pictures and that can help you to visualise the info on the page in the exam.

Definitely help him to do a revision schedule. Block out any other commitments, dinner etc and also plan in reward break times or at the end of the day because he needs down time and it'll look less painful. Go for sessions between 20 and 45 mins with small breaks in between and split up subjects so he does a couple per day. Get him to find topic lists from school/ exam board websites/ revision guides so he doesn't miss anything and he can tick them off as he does them (so he feels like he achieves something!) and double tick when it's re-revised. Lots of reassurance that yes it's boring and hard work, no-one enjoys it but at the end of the day that's generally what makes it valuable (if it's easy there's not much point!)

KatieKat88 · 09/04/2018 13:37

@ClareB83 you're preaching to the choir - thankfully I don't have the references battle until post 16 (and that's painful enough!) but we do try to get the evidence and explanation bit to be a big focus as soon as we get them in year 7. Lots and lots of 'why' (and if I'm particularly frustrated, 'so what?' !)

KatieKat88 · 09/04/2018 13:42

@HolyMolyBatman Forgot to add - schedule in mock papers/exam questions every so often and encourage him to highlight the key words in the question so he's actually answering the right thing - then use the mark scheme to improve it in another colour (so he can see where it needs to improve e.g. ends of paragraphs?).

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 13:55

Thanks Katie. He's actually got his first maths GCSE exam in a few weeks so that'll be his first priority. Hopefully

OP posts:

KatieKat88 · 09/04/2018 14:09

@HolyMolyBatman Best of luck to him! I was thinking more from a year 11 POV (need to read the OP better!!) - for year 10s then I'd say more intense revision for the maths as that's the immediate priority and then maybe an hour a day at most with 30 mins per subject (even if it's on a 2 week schedule) - that way he'll have made most of his notes/flash cards etc by any mocks in December and can be really smug when his mates still need to do most of it. If he gets distracted with his phone during revision/homework try the Forest app - it's about 2 quid and you set a timer so if you go on your phone before the time's up you kill a virtual tree (this has genuinely helped me stay focused during marking!)

Original poster

HolyMolyBatman · 09/04/2018 15:04

Oh I've never heard of the Forest app, thanks Katie, you've really helped!

OP posts:

swampytiggaa · 09/04/2018 15:31

My boychild is 16 and about to sit his GCSES. I am being very hands off because I am wasting my breath talking to him tbh. He tells me what I want to hear then does fuck all

I have provided him with study guides for everything plus materials for making notes etc and take his phone and laptop every evening to help him sleep. The rest is up to him.

I think he will scrape maths and English and get a few more but that will be it. I am currently getting him to research btec courses and apprenticeships because it is pointless him even attempting a levels at the moment.

It’s frustrating because he is clever but I can’t force him to work.

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