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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect help from FIL and DH

56 replies

Feb2018mumma · 09/04/2018 10:12

I gave MIL back a coat she lent me and she left my house crying and later called and told DH was a gift... DH said he remembered conversation where she said it was a borrow but didn't want to get involved so apologied to her that I had got confused!

Went for a meal and MIL asked if I had booked our summer hols, she had said she didn't want to go as she's not a baby sitter and knew we would leave baby with her so didn't book, FIL and DH both told me they remembered the conversation but once again didn't say a word to her face which led to her crying in the restaurant.

When baby was 5 days old we went to see her before 5 day check, she invited her friend to see baby who held him for 30 mins then was nearly time to leave so I asked for baby to feed before we left. She recounted the story to FIL that I took baby and and left for no reason without letting her hold him... DH knew we left for the check but didn't want to bring it up incase challenging his mum's version upset her

Heard her calling me lots of names. At the time DH and FIL apologised and felt so bad for me but it's only been months and they now say she never said anything about me... I heard it and she even sent me a text saying 'im sorry if you heard what I said'

At my baby shower she told my friend I would never let her hold the baby... I had invited her to baby shower and bought her a grandma gift but apparently I hated her so much she would never hold the baby... I never said it and DH said I needed to forget my friend had told me and it wouldn't be fair for me to bring it up...

We were out and she text DH multiple times asking if we were home, when we got home baby was screaming so I took him in, DH saw his mum circling our street... She doesn't live nearby and she pulled over and talked to him about how I have a issue and see my mum more than her... DH said he knew that I see my mum more because she's my mum and if he was on leave he'd see his mum more but his mum would not understand so didn't bring it up.

Am I expected to stay married to a man and be in a family where behind MIL back everyone is on my side but to her face they agree with her about all the crap she says about me?

I am so depressed about it, i am scared every time I speak and when I hear a car door outside I assume it's her and I can't breathe.

Another issue that DH wont talk to her about is that if she asks to come round while DH is at work and I say no she then texts him asking if she can come round?

I know the main issue is the men as all it would take is them telling her anything she did was wrong and she might realise but no idea how to fix it?

Didn't really want this to be such an obvious AIBU incase she read this but there's no way to change bits without making it harder for anyone to comment?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 09/04/2018 10:14

She sounds totally bat shit

MrsJayy · 09/04/2018 10:15

Have you asked your husband why he won't support you

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 10:17

She sounds crazy, they're probably scared of her

Knittedfairies · 09/04/2018 10:18

Your FIL and DH are certainly part of the problem, but she’s a fruitloop.

Shmithecat · 09/04/2018 10:18

I don't think you can expect FIL to back you up totally as it's his wife BUT your DH should be saying something. She sounds bonkers tbh. If DH won't then you need to.

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 09/04/2018 10:19

They say is old age and DH says I'm emotionally stronger so can handle it whereas she couldn't handle criticism

OP posts:
Sashkin · 09/04/2018 10:21

Look she’s obviously going to pitch a fit regardless of what you do, so you might as well just stand up for yourself.

Tell her “of course I see my mum more than you, you’re DH’s Mum not mine”. Tell her you want your coat back, and turn up round her house to collect it. Say “MIL, that is an outright lie and you know it. If you are going to badmouth me to my friends, you can leave”.

What is she going to do? She is already weeping and wailing, so give her something to actually weep and wail about (once she knows weeping and wailing doesn’t work on you it will probably stop anyway, but it can’t get any worse can it?)

Sashkin · 09/04/2018 10:21

She will have to learn to handle criticism! You can give her plenty of practice.

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 10:22

They say is old age and DH says I'm emotionally stronger so can handle it whereas she couldn't handle criticism

I'm sure most people realise she's nuts anyway and don't take what she says seriously

PotteringAlong · 09/04/2018 10:22

Old age? Unless she was 40 when she had your DH and you’re 40 now she’s not that old if you’ve got a young baby...

smartiecake · 09/04/2018 10:23

My first thought was has she some form of dementia, not remembering conversations etc. But the nasty comments makes me think maybe its more than that. Has she ways been 'difficult' and your H and FIL have always pandered to her?

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 10:23

Tell her you want your coat back, and turn up round her house to collect it

I thought it was the MIL who gave the OP the coat and cried when the OP gave it back to her?

Belindabauer · 09/04/2018 10:26

I wouldn't have her round without your dh being present and then I would make myself scarce and let him deal with her.

Shizzlestix · 09/04/2018 10:28

Time for a conversation with your dh. Either he supports you, or you start having to be vicious with mad mil.

BuffyBee · 09/04/2018 10:28

She sounds a bit bonkers!
I can see why you are annoyed that your Dh and Dfil agree with you but don't say anything to Mil.
I would stop being scared of her and stand up for myself with her.
It's a disgrace that you are scared in your own home when you hear a car in case it's her.
Stand up to her!

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 09/04/2018 10:28

Yup she cried when I gave her the borrowed coat back. She had him as a accident at 40 and is just 70... My grandma is normal at 90 but I guess some people handle old age differently! I googled and thought she may have paranoid depression?Where you focus on a family member and think they don't like you and it takes over your life? Could never bring it up though as obviously everyone would pander and tell her she's fine and I'm mean? If she said about my mum to me I would but she talks to my DH by text or by phone about me so I can't chime in! Have told DH to ask his dad to stop her texting about me as it is ruining our marriage

OP posts:
Sashkin · 09/04/2018 10:30

Another issue that DH wont talk to her about is that if she asks to come round while DH is at work and I say no she then texts him asking if she can come round

“Oh hello MIL, I thought I told you now wasn’t convenient. No, you can’t come in. I’m not sure why you texted DH, he’s at work”

And like that other poster with a horrible SIL and spineless DH, you have to make “upsetting you” more unpleasant for DH than “upsetting MIL”. It is difficult, if you are a reasonable person and MIL is crazy. But you have to exceed their tantrums until DH gets the message that his place is with his wife not his mummy. You rolling over means it’s easier for him to cave in to her.

If he still picks his mummy you have bigger problems than your MIL.

frasier · 09/04/2018 10:30

Tell your DH that if he doesn't say something you will and it won't be pretty.

My DH had two warnings and then I did it. PILs cut off now.

DeathStare · 09/04/2018 10:32

Am I expected to stay married to a man and be in a family where behind MIL back everyone is on my side but to her face they agree with her about all the crap she says about me?

You don't know that they are on your side. They are giving you the impression they are on your side and giving your MIL the impression they are on her side. She's probably upset as she believes they agree with her and won't stand up to you. To be honest it doesn't sound like they are on anyone's side except their own sides.

The pair of them are weak and two-faced. What your FIL does is more difficult as he is your MIL's husband and has to live with her. However I think you need to be having strict words with your DH saying that he needs to be supporting you in this and dealing with MIL if she causes problems for you.

Bekabeech · 09/04/2018 10:34

I thought from the start maybe she has Alzheimers - and they are all in denial?

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 10:34

Yup she cried when I gave her the borrowed coat back. She had him as a accident at 40 and is just 70.

It does sound like she's not well really, it sounds really really annoying but maybe your DH and FiL are right and it's old age

CannaeBeErsed · 09/04/2018 10:36

You need to start kicking off I'm afraid. Call her out on her lies (I'm envisioning Karl Pilkington'a Bullshit-man). Just quickly and clearly say "BULLSHIT! You said XXXX on Wednesday. DH was here, weren't you DH? You heard her!"

If he doesn't back you up then I would tell him clearly that he either tells the truth or your going home and he can stay to pander to his mummy and she can make his old bed up for him.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 09/04/2018 10:39

YANBU, your feelings are as important as your MIL's, she sounds manipulative with the texting and talking behind your back. The making up that she didn't say what she said is sometimes called gaslighting.

SlowDown76mph · 09/04/2018 10:40

I be wondering about the possible onset of dementia frankly.

peacheachpearplum · 09/04/2018 10:45

It could be age related, some people are fine physically at 70 and others aren't, same with mental health. Dementia for example is much more common in people over 80 but definitely starts younger for some and not that rare at 70. It can start in different ways, I have an aunt and her dementia is described as "atypical" and that is very true in my opinion.

Does your husband think her behaviour has always been odd or is it recent? It must be so annoying, I know my aunt was really annoying for some years before the dementia was diagnosed but for along time we didn't realise what it was, then we realised but medics wouldn't agree, she was great at putting on a show for them. I've cried with frustration before now.