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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect help from FIL and DH

56 replies

Feb2018mumma · 09/04/2018 10:12

I gave MIL back a coat she lent me and she left my house crying and later called and told DH was a gift... DH said he remembered conversation where she said it was a borrow but didn't want to get involved so apologied to her that I had got confused!

Went for a meal and MIL asked if I had booked our summer hols, she had said she didn't want to go as she's not a baby sitter and knew we would leave baby with her so didn't book, FIL and DH both told me they remembered the conversation but once again didn't say a word to her face which led to her crying in the restaurant.

When baby was 5 days old we went to see her before 5 day check, she invited her friend to see baby who held him for 30 mins then was nearly time to leave so I asked for baby to feed before we left. She recounted the story to FIL that I took baby and and left for no reason without letting her hold him... DH knew we left for the check but didn't want to bring it up incase challenging his mum's version upset her

Heard her calling me lots of names. At the time DH and FIL apologised and felt so bad for me but it's only been months and they now say she never said anything about me... I heard it and she even sent me a text saying 'im sorry if you heard what I said'

At my baby shower she told my friend I would never let her hold the baby... I had invited her to baby shower and bought her a grandma gift but apparently I hated her so much she would never hold the baby... I never said it and DH said I needed to forget my friend had told me and it wouldn't be fair for me to bring it up...

We were out and she text DH multiple times asking if we were home, when we got home baby was screaming so I took him in, DH saw his mum circling our street... She doesn't live nearby and she pulled over and talked to him about how I have a issue and see my mum more than her... DH said he knew that I see my mum more because she's my mum and if he was on leave he'd see his mum more but his mum would not understand so didn't bring it up.

Am I expected to stay married to a man and be in a family where behind MIL back everyone is on my side but to her face they agree with her about all the crap she says about me?

I am so depressed about it, i am scared every time I speak and when I hear a car door outside I assume it's her and I can't breathe.

Another issue that DH wont talk to her about is that if she asks to come round while DH is at work and I say no she then texts him asking if she can come round?

I know the main issue is the men as all it would take is them telling her anything she did was wrong and she might realise but no idea how to fix it?

Didn't really want this to be such an obvious AIBU incase she read this but there's no way to change bits without making it harder for anyone to comment?

OP posts:
UnRavellingFast · 09/04/2018 10:53

This sounds like manipulation to me. Your DH is contributing to the demise of your marriage by effectively conspiring with her. I think it's him you need a conversation with first. As pp said give him two warnings and then nc; 'I'm your wife, you put me first or it's not a marriage. This is your first warning. You'll have one more.'

Keep it very brief as he is probably very controlled by her and overwhelmed by a torrent of words that he tunes out. Make yours count. It's for his good as well as yours.

zzzzz · 09/04/2018 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jannier · 09/04/2018 10:56

I would be asking if she has seen a doctor for possible dementia/ memory loss, you can get early onset dementia much younger than 70.

I would sit down with husband and discuss how its making you feel and how you can go on.....mil sees grandchild only with you husband if necessary. Demand his support or refuse to see her.

If I was visiting and knew I had to leave in half an hour I would be saying sorry friend we are going to a health check can nana have a quick cuddle before we go as I need to feed baby in a minute. not everyone is time conscious particularly if they are home al day with nothing to focus on.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/04/2018 10:58

If it was illness she wouldn’t try and hide it or admit it via text would she?

I’ve no advice OP, just so sorry it’s making you feel stressed. Other than your husband standing up to her and telling her she isn’t welcome unless invited I don’t know what you can do.

Barbie222 · 09/04/2018 10:58

It sounds like they all know you are right but are not sure how to handle what sounds like the onset of dementia. If you are the bigger person here I think they will let you in on their concerns.

diddl · 09/04/2018 11:00

For the coat it doean't really matter if she thought it was a gift-she can just take it back without drama!

I think that you have to stand up to her or not be alone with her in future.

Buckingfrolicks · 09/04/2018 11:03

I wonder if there is a cultural thing here? Sorry if I'm being stupid or insensitive; the OP's first post made me think of the stereotype of dominating 'mother of the husband' that exists in some cultures.

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 09/04/2018 11:06

Zzz oh my goodness you are right, I literally have lost myself. I am so tired from new baby and trying to keep the peace I am just buying into it all. I think I need to be the bigger person and just go round in a few days once I have gathered my thoughts and say she has forgotten a lot lately that I don't hate her and am sorry if she thinks that, that I prefer her to text me with any issues and hopefully she will change or of it is a health issue admit she has noticed the same? Will make sure DH is present as in the past when I've talked to her alone she has told everyone a very different version than what really happened? It's so hard with family as if a friend treated me this way I would have ended the friendship or bought up the issues after the first time! Might bring up the dementia with husband today incase he sees it too as would help me bringing it up if I'm not alone!

OP posts:
diddl · 09/04/2018 11:14

She might not be forgetting-just turning all around for attention/drama.

Let your husband talk to her about her health.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 09/04/2018 11:15

DH and FIL are probably being manipulated and/or gaslighted by her too, and probably have been for much longer that you have.
I would cut them a little slack, it's not easy to stand up to overbearing parents - I know from experience!

Handsfull13 · 09/04/2018 11:18

I would definitely talk to your husband about all this. You do need to make it clear that you aren't happy about it and it's taking an emotional toll on you. He shouldn't be letting you feel worse because he doesn't think his mum will cope with it, you're his wife and he needs to look after you.

If you bring up the dementia I would really emphasise that your worried about Mil and her memories and that DH and Fil making excuses for her could mean she goes untreated. And you want to help as much as possible. If you go in with it being about her health they might agree to it more then you just saying she needs checking to see if she's unwell or just a bitch to you.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 09/04/2018 11:23

Just refuse to see them any longer. Life isn't worth this hassle.

diddl · 09/04/2018 11:26

Does she misremember like this where her son & husband are concerned?

snewsname · 09/04/2018 11:27

It's obvious that nobody is going to stand up for you, so you have to do it yourself.
Personally I wouldn't have a talk to her generally. Id just tell DH that from now on I'm going to call her out on each and every batshittery thing she does or says and that I expect him to back me up. Then do it. If he doesn't support you then you have a big problem in your relationship.

Gemini69 · 09/04/2018 11:27

Cut them out... not worth the hassle because she IS a hassle.. and nobody will back you up even when they know the facts and witnessed them.. fuck that.. bunch of cowards are best left to their own devices .. very disappointed in your DH though.. he's being a DICK Flowers

diddl · 09/04/2018 11:30

"but didn't want to get involved so apologied to her that I had got confused!"

That's not "not getting involved"-it's blaming you, Op.

Why would he do that rather than-if he really couldn't tell the truth-just saying that he couldn't remember?

Has this coincided with the baby being born?

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2018 11:30

Not just a MIL problem but also a DH problem
He needs to stand with you, not necessarily for you but def needs to support you better

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2018 11:33

Gemini69

he's being a DICK

30 years of being manipulated and FOG and he is being a "dick"

CannaeBeErsed · 09/04/2018 11:37

My FIL is a very opinionated man who spouts some utter nonsense sometimes every time we visit.
He and MIL are curtain twitchers and can tell you exactly what's going on in every neighbour's house. Of course there's no way they can know, they just make up their own narrative and bitch about everyone. FIL recently went on and on, ranting for a good hour about how terrible it was that a neighbour's son, GF and two kids have obviously lied and schemed as they were able to get his mother's HA house when she moved away after 20+ years. I ended up telling them straight that a) it was none of their business and b) I know them and know what FIL was saying was bollocks. Lies for absolutely no reason but to be nasty about people. It's pretty ironic that they complain about everyone (especially foreigners) taking up family council houses when they should be for families, completely ignoring the fact they live in a 3 bed HA house with their rent paid by the taxpayers, whilst working on the side and having £30K+ sitting around in savings (cash)
DH and MIL will not stand up to FIL (keeping the peace!) and many times I've just got in the car and driven home with the kids.

Apparently it's fine for FIL to use the term "darkies" and tell our kids complete shite because "well you know what he's like" or "That's just my dad for ya". There would be less nasty bastards in this world if people actually stood up to their nonsense.

Good luck OP. I've been on the receiving end of this shite for 15 years now 😂

Springnowplease · 09/04/2018 11:53

Major DH problem here.

kateandme · 09/04/2018 11:56

oh im really sorry.sounds like its really getting to you huh.and for you to now be fearing day to day norms because of her is not on.
I want to say like pp your hub needs to step the hell up.or are you prepared to tell him one day your going to give and it wont be pretty because it will be emotionally reactive.ask him what he think will happen from this.
ask him is he prepared for your making nc anymore because your nerves are shot.
ask him if he sees the problems its causing between you two and whats more important to him.
could you just grab your stuf and say you need tmie out where you feel supported and leave to your mums.give being away from you your hub time to really think.think of his priorities.
obviously on here we ony hear you side.but from what ive read it sounds a nightmare and I'm sorry.so what can you do.if no one is steppig up for you its time you did.keep your cool in anyway you can.you don't deserve to feel this way.you don't deserve to be put in this position so you just go look at ur little one and think "its ok because I will not let this effect me anymore because this isn't on me" stare deeply at something right here in the now and think this is reality.this is here and you are ok.you are calm.step back from the worried and nerves she is bringing to you.
she isn't your boss or the owner of your emotions.dont let her be.
she is wrong.from what I can see she is in the wrong.
so how can you be ok through this and get through.that what needs to happen next.
other things could you write to her.be honest but a bit perhaps touchy feely compassionate.how you appreciate her yet beig a new mum your finding you feet so if you don't see her its not anything between you two its just how life happens.but be honest how its making you feel too.dont goad just print it.send it and let her take it how she pleases.read it how you fil or hub might.make sure its ok. then let her have it.youve done all you ever can then.its on her.

Rikalaily · 09/04/2018 12:03

I'd be ditching the spineless husband. His loyalty should be to you and your child, not his manipulative mother and equally spineless father. Your MIL isn't forgetting, she's behaving like that because she knows she can get away with it. She's trying to cause issues between you and your husband.

kateandme · 09/04/2018 12:07

only you no op also whether she is doing this because shes fragile and oversensitive or because she is ctually rather wicked and manipulating everyone.then reacting to it would need to be different.

bunbunny · 09/04/2018 12:23

Whether she's gaslighting you or is genuinely having medical memory issues, start recording every interaction you have on your phone - particularly if there's something important like items being lent or borrowed, or somethign you want to have a record of. Even if it's just at the end of a conversation or visit, just do a summary of the conversation with her (with her listening and commenting) rather than record the whole thing. So - 'Thanks for a lovely visit, so glad that you and your friends all got to have a nice hold of dc, now we have to make sure we get baby fed and to their doctor's check on time, see you soon'.

Say it's to make sure that you're not misremembering things if you need to - say to your dh it's because you're worried about his mum and her memory and you need to have proof / or not in order to help with any diagnoses if this is a diagnosis of mean vindictive gaslighting mil! )

AJPTaylor · 09/04/2018 12:27

It sounds like dementia.