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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/angry at this?

47 replies

clevername · 09/04/2018 08:37

Me and DP have just had an enormous argument and I genuinely need opinions about this...

I got back into bed this morning after breastfeeding our 7 month old and said 'I'm really tired', after explaining that DS had had a bit of an unsettled night (not as bad as it can be - he's generally quite a good baby and I know some people have it a shit load worse. I'm talking having to go in and put dummy in a few times and feed once or twice. Not dreadful but still a disturbed night). DP then said something like 'yeah, me too'. This annoyed me (because he was asleep all night when I was getting up) and he took offense at my reaction and started to say things like 'it's not that bad', 'I often have less sleep than that' (by his own admission, through his own choice - he's a night owl).

I feel like his dismissal of my tiredness is a real slap in the face. It made me really, really angry and upset and he's now trying to make the argument about my 'over reaction'. He kept saying 'everyone's tired when they've just woken up. You always used to say you were tired after waking up even before we had kids'

I'm trying to stay as balanced as possible in this post because I really want your opinions. So, for context:
*he does work really hard in a demanding physical job and he's got an incredibly stressful project on at the moment. I wasn't expecting him to get up with the baby (it's the dismissal of my saying I was tired that is the problem for me).
*he does his share with the kids when he can and helps out with some of the house stuff (less than normal right now as I'm on maternity leave and he's working really hard so the balance has shifted). I'm including this because I don't want to give the impression that he doesn't help me.
*I was so fuming that my reaction was pretty full on... I was crying. We were shouting at each other. Our 4 year old saw all of this (not proud - I know that this was unreasonable of both of us).

My point is that I was really hurt by his minimisation/dismissal of my disturbed night and my initial annoyance turned to total rage when he completely refused to see that he'd done anything wrong.

So, was I being unreasonable to be angry in this situation?
Thanks.

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 09/04/2018 08:41

I think you overreacted, sorry.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/04/2018 08:45

You were both very tired and grumpy. This is not the wisest time to argue. It’s competitive tiredness!

If you need a lie in just tell him. Also reassure your dd that everting is ok and mummy and daddy were being a bit silly!

EweDoEwe · 09/04/2018 08:47

YABU.

I was kind of with you until you described your “total rage”, crying and shouting in front of a 4 year old, reaction.

What did you want your partner’s reaction to your “I’m tired” comment to be? Perhaps try explaining that to him once you’ve both calmed down.

icelollycraving · 09/04/2018 08:47

Competitive tiredness is a fucker.

EsmeeMerlin · 09/04/2018 08:50

Overreaction, arguments about sleep with a baby in the house is pointless-no one wins!

DayKay · 09/04/2018 08:52

You both need to learn to just listen to each other and validate each other’s feelings. Let him know that next time you say you’re tired or are talking about yourself, it’s because you’re just talking about how you’re feeling are and it’s not a competition or a criticism of him.
My dh used to be like that and I’d say ‘I’m talking about me right now, not you’. I’d then finish talking about me and ask about him.

DeathStare · 09/04/2018 08:55

Competitive tiredness is a relationship (and friendship) killer. Avoid at all costs. Clearly you're both tired - arguing over who is more tired achieves nothing. Be nice to each other. And when you are both less tired try to work out some practical solutions. If he's a night owl maybe you can go to bed earlier and he can be up with your son for the first few hours (unless he needs feeding)

DollyTots · 09/04/2018 08:57

Me and my partner do this a lot, especially when sleep is disturbed or non-exsistent. YNBU to feel like he was minimising how crap a disturbed night can make you feel but a full blown row just won't achieve anything, no one will 'win'.

My DH is always more tired than me, apparently - even though I'm the one getting up with baby in the night, it disturbs him so he's more tired & even though he's only sitting on the internet at work all day for the last six weeks (slow period) that's harder and more tiring than looking after our DD all day because it's boring. Competing with him over it though is pointless, you win love but what really is the prize?

Justwaitingforaline · 09/04/2018 09:04

Tiredness is shit.

I get annoyed when my DH complains about when he’s tired when he’s spelt all night and I’ve been up and down with the DC any my lovely period related insomnia

He gets annoyed when I complain about being tired in the morning when he’s crawling into bed after a 14 hour night shift. We’ve decided that neither of us know what the other is like and that it’s easier just to give each other a cuddle and nod.

No ones tiredness trumps anyone else’s; life is far too short to fall out over this.

StealthNinjaMum · 09/04/2018 09:11

Did anyone read the op?

I'm talking having to go in and put dummy in a few times and feed once or twice.

Did you get up half a dozen times and this is your regular routine? While he sleeps?

Shouting in front of a four year old isn't great and competitive tiredness isn't great but I actually think you are not being unreasonable. If dh had tried to minimise my tiredness after a night like that I'd have been tempted to go out in the car, find a park to sleep in, and let him deal with dc!

FlirtyRomanticToast · 09/04/2018 09:13

I sympathize OP. Tiredness is a giant, high powered magnifying glass that turns tiny little handshake deals into multi-billion takeover deals with lives depending on them. We are a very tired house too at the moment for reasons of disturbed sleep. Oh the difference in life between chronic exhaustion and getting a decent, refreshing (essential) rest. Sometimes I honestly feel like a good solid nights sleep is a powerful pain killer. Relief from all over muscle achiness. Respite from that low level buzzy headache that accompanies lack of sleep. A break from that foggy 'what was I doing/saying again?' feeling.

And having someone dismiss that with a breezy "Omg, same. Why did I stay up and watch another episode of thing? Sooo tired now" is hard to swallow.

Idontdowindows · 09/04/2018 09:18

The way I read it you are both tired and that's fuelling your interaction at the moment.

Take a step back, both of you and remember you're in this together. Don't be dismissive of each other, be supportive.

It's hard, and it will be hard for a while, but if you pull together you'll get through it.

Original poster
clevername · 09/04/2018 09:18

Ok, I clearly overreacted. And, as I said, I'm really not proud that DD witnessed it.

Do you think I was unreasonable to be annoyed / irritated (if not incandescent with rage) at his initial dismissal of my saying I was tired? I can't get past that if he'd offered a throw away platitude (or even said nothing at all!) then I wouldn't have been bothered.

OP posts:
UpOver · 09/04/2018 09:19

You are in the right to be annoyed with his comment but you are overreacting unless this is part of something much bigger.

You are both tired you should both be nice to each other and both be tolerant of each other if you are a bit moany or snappy.

I'd have ignored his comment. I think you should have let it go too. Life is too short to

argue over shite like that.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/04/2018 09:22

You sound pretty overtired to me OP. But if he's a decent kind of guy generally, then hopefully once you've both calmed down, you'll work something out that gives you both a break.

Original poster
clevername · 09/04/2018 09:23

Thanks for your messages... They really are helping me.

It's not that I expect or even want him to get up with the baby. I get that that is very much my job at the moment. I just don't want him to tell me my having a disturbed night wasn't hard when it was.

OP posts:
Jobjobjob · 09/04/2018 09:28

As others have said, tiredness makes us all a bit unreasonable.

I'm sure loads of parents have had the "who is the most tired"

Is a normal argument.

Allthewaves · 09/04/2018 09:30

You have just had the age old parental argument of whose the most tired Grin

SingleAgainThen · 09/04/2018 09:31

Don’t get sucked into competitive tiredness, too easy with a little baby.

This too shall pass.

pinkdelight · 09/04/2018 09:36

No one can win in this situation. You're both being unreasonable (him not immediately validating you, you getting immediately annoyed) because you're both tired (legitimately, neither needs to justify, compare or compete). You're both also not being unreasonable because you're both tired and this is how it is in these situations. But to stew on it and persist in being angry and upset is clearly an overreaction so forget it and get some rest (and then perspective) if at all poss.

pinkdelight · 09/04/2018 09:40

"Do you think I was unreasonable to be annoyed / irritated (if not incandescent with rage) at his initial dismissal of my saying I was tired? I can't get past that if he'd offered a throw away platitude (or even said nothing at all!) then I wouldn't have been bothered."

Just get past it. You already acknowledge you overreacted so why start a new line of thinking to keep stewing on it? One interpretation of his initial comment is that it's dismissive. Another is that he just said how he was feeling, because he was tired. Really you'd be better letting it go.

Lizzie48 · 09/04/2018 09:52

DH and I used to have arguments like that. It's what can happen when you're both tired, which it sounds like is the case here. It's a pity your DD witnessed it, but if it's a one off she won't be too upset about it.

As others have said, this too shall pass.

thecatsarecrazy · 09/04/2018 09:52

Don't worry op normally the night feeding stage doesn't last long. Ive had 3 babies 2 were breastfed and its a bastard being tired. My dh was the same. Hes a bit of a knob anyway stays up late then wont get up in the morning.

KarmaStar · 09/04/2018 09:56

I think he was just saying it in a "I know what you hasn'tkind of thing,I don't think he was trying to demean your exhaustion op.
When both parties are so tired tempers and feelings are easily frayed.I'd draw a line in this one and agree to move on.

Sunnysidegold · 09/04/2018 10:00

I think people are being a bit harsh on op to be honest. Up a few times to put dummy in and bfing twice means havibg to try to get back to sleep four or five times!

My husband has a chronic illness and is so tired all the time.anytime i complain of being tired he chips in with how exhausted he is. It is competitive tiredness. We have learned to accept that we are both tired in different ways amd nothing positive comes of rowing about it.

It sounds op that this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Things have built up and then the dismissal of how your feeling has lit the touchpaper.

Ive learned that any time we discuss stuff like this to start with acknowledging the other person's feelings first before jumping in with how i feel. But this has been years after being a doormat who never raises anything until she explodes with rage over something that seems relatively minor.

Hope you get better sleep tonight!