To be upset/angry at this?

[clevername]

Me and DP have just had an enormous argument and I genuinely need opinions about this...

I got back into bed this morning after breastfeeding our 7 month old and said 'I'm really tired', after explaining that DS had had a bit of an unsettled night (not as bad as it can be - he's generally quite a good baby and I know some people have it a shit load worse. I'm talking having to go in and put dummy in a few times and feed once or twice. Not dreadful but still a disturbed night). DP then said something like 'yeah, me too'. This annoyed me (because he was asleep all night when I was getting up) and he took offense at my reaction and started to say things like 'it's not that bad', 'I often have less sleep than that' (by his own admission, through his own choice - he's a night owl).

I feel like his dismissal of my tiredness is a real slap in the face. It made me really, really angry and upset and he's now trying to make the argument about my 'over reaction'. He kept saying 'everyone's tired when they've just woken up. You always used to say you were tired after waking up even before we had kids'

I'm trying to stay as balanced as possible in this post because I really want your opinions. So, for context:
*he does work really hard in a demanding physical job and he's got an incredibly stressful project on at the moment. I wasn't expecting him to get up with the baby (it's the dismissal of my saying I was tired that is the problem for me).
*he does his share with the kids when he can and helps out with some of the house stuff (less than normal right now as I'm on maternity leave and he's working really hard so the balance has shifted). I'm including this because I don't want to give the impression that he doesn't help me.
*I was so fuming that my reaction was pretty full on... I was crying. We were shouting at each other. Our 4 year old saw all of this (not proud - I know that this was unreasonable of both of us).

My point is that I was really hurt by his minimisation/dismissal of my disturbed night and my initial annoyance turned to total rage when he completely refused to see that he'd done anything wrong.

So, was I being unreasonable to be angry in this situation?
Thanks.

DH and I used to have exactly the same argument (several times!) and I reacted just like you. It's infuriating when you've been up and down all night and they complain how tired they are because they were disturbed too. DH thinks this is 'empathising' with me but it makes me so cross. He gets to turn over and go back to sleep while I'm in and out of bed and scrabbling around the floor for lost dummies. My DH is also a night owl and will stay up until 2am gaming. He then argues he had less sleep than me and can't see why it's any different.

IME it's best not to react with anger. I now say 'oh poor you, you're tired too and you've got to go to work. Shall I make you a coffee?'
That's usually met with great appreciation and an acknowledgement of my tiredness too. He often says something along the lines of 'you have it much harder than me, it was my own fault for staying up' then hugs me and we start the day on a good note.

Annoying as it is, I've learnt it's not worth starting a row over. Acknowledge his tiredness, offer sympathy and move on.

I think he was rude and unreasonable - it sounds like he feels guilty that you do more night time stuff for the baby (even if there is a good reason for that) and so is minimising it to make himself feel better.

That said, it sounds like you overreacted a bit, probably because you were so tired so it's understandable!

I would try and have a chat about it tonight and explain that while you did overreact you still think he was rude and dismissive and should accept that you're doing a difficult and tiring job and just need a bit of understanding!

Its kind of like he must acknowledge that it is worse for you or boy is he in for it lol

I get it, god I get it. Until I moved into the spare room with ds they both kept me up all night. The big one snoring and the little one feeding/wriggling. Dh always moans how tired he is, but the simple idea of going to bed earlier doesn't appeal to him as he needs 'me time' when ds goes to bed. It bloody grates but I just blank the ' I'm soooo tired' speech now and change the subject.

Slightly off point here but I'd be tempted to wake him every time the baby wakes for the next week . See how tired he is then

All this just points to how tough it is getting broken sleep. It’s sctually used as a form of torture with prisoners of war. Enough said!

I think you know you made a mistake to react so strongly, but we are all human, and sleep deprivation is a killer.

I think it’s reasonable to expect some acknowledgement for how hard it is from our partners, but the most loving person can be a prize asshole on waking.

Good luck with it, remember it passes . My baby is about to go to senior school, where did that time go??

You were more tired than him after being up and down all night! His comment would have yanked my chain. Going to bed late isn't the same as never getting into deep sleep because of frequent wakings. What you said before you had kids is irrelevant. Obv it got a bit out of hand but that is probably because you were shattered.

I don’t think YABU.

Competitive tiredness is a killer I agree. But I don’t think it’s up to OP to be the peace maker here - the person who actively chooses to stay up late can moan as much as they like but it’s unfair to suggest it’s ‘worse’ for then when their partner is getting up to deal with a baby!

Acknowledging you are both tired while still being able to understanding that your lack of sleep is your own fault is the kind thing and surely what being in a loving relationship is about?

OP if you think your husband would be receptive, later on when you’re not both strung out on lack of sleep (!) just tell him that sometimes you don’t actually want a fight, you just want him to acknowledge that small babies wake throughout the night which makes you tired.

PS I also think your reaction was understandable - I’ve been so tired before I literally couldn’t stop crying.

You are both tired and first thing in the morning isn't the best time for a discussion when you are tired. It sounds like you are going through a tough time and so is he.

Let it go. A throwaway comment made just after waking up is not worth getting upset about. If he did it constantly without acknowledging you have been up all night then that would be one thing, but a one off is nothing to get upset about. Apologise for overreacting, say you were tired and move on.

Only one of mine had a dummy, don't know if it is like this for everyone but the dummy at night was a problem. I thought we would get no sleep if he didn't have it but in fact once I got rid of the dummy at night he stopped waking up because he lost it and we got more sleep not less. A few rough nights to start with but it was worth it.

I'd have been angry too.

Is he completely clear how often you get up in the night? perhaps explain calmly this morning.

And say eg 'all I needed was for you to hear how tired I am; I know you're tired too, but at that time, I wanted you to think about me'

You were ott to be raging and shouting but when you're shattered, you're not at your most rational.
I think he mentioned you being tired in the mornings pre-baby because he fell into the pattern of those old conversations (where presumably it was ok for both of you to feel tired because neither of you had been up settling a child during the night).
Be careful of the slip to you doing more during the day, and being the person getting up during the night. They are patterns that are hard to break.

I disagree with the stance that with competitive fatigue there is no winner. CLEARLY the person getting up all night with the baby is the winner

Having said that, it is the absolute classic argument to have with your partner when you have a small baby. HIs refusal to listen or validate your comments reads like a complete dismissal of your efforts and it feels really hurtful! Remember that he didn't mean it like this. I would explain carefully that it is hard to hear about someone else's tiredness when you have a) been up several times in the night and b)watched him sleep all bloody night. All you actually needed him to do was listen and maybe offer a bit of sympathy. Then it can be his turn to have a bit of a moan.

We had this argument a few times in the early days. After a while my DH would complain of tiredness and then immediately say 'Not as tired as you though darling ha ha'. It became a bit of a joke, but I do remember the initial RAGE that overcame me.

Surely if he doesn’t think what you are doing is difficult he could do all the dummy re-sets so you only have the feeds to do?

i think this is far more common that youd like to think.where ur dh has maybe gotten used to being this tired on projects work etc this is very much raw and newish to you having to do this stuff.and some back up and reasurance is often needed as a mum.he might see it as he just gets on with his tiredness.but if it was so intense throughout the night not out of choice and being a night owl he might see it differently.
but i dont actually think there is any real way of putting a rational spin on these feelings.your outburst and reaction is from being exhausted.a little overwhelemd and being a newish mum who just needs a bit of holding through this sometimes.its not an easy time.but you can and will get through it.
competitive tiredness with a spuse is awful.adding because of a baby into the mix is just a fucker lol.
go see your four year old.give him a cuddle and explain how tired mummy is which meant you shouted when you didnt need to.
go to your hub when calm and offer that sorry.but right now your all a quiver and on edge and so the raw tiredness of getting up is getting to you and you just need him there.let him no you appreiciate and acknowledge his work and being up,that never goes...butright now.your feeling it so might need him a little more.
so be sorry.offer the branch but explain too.
from experience though if you the only one getting up for night time with the baby.the one not will never get it.

I think you're both really tired which as the parents of a baby is both entirely usual and a special kind of hell.
Tiredness leads to irritability and makes everything feel worse then it actually is. There is not a parent alive who hasn't had this kind of silly argument at least once on their child rearing years. There doesn't need to be a winner here. Accept you're both tired and you need to both be a bit more tolerant of each other.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. I would certainly have been impossibly tired after getting up several times and I would have cried had DH mocked me about it. My DH needs less sleep than me (he's a night owl too) but he never laughed at my reactions.

What worked for us was to recognize that I needed more unbroken sleep especially as I was breastfeeding. So I would go to bed at the same time as our older child (about 8pm) while night owl DH stayed up as usual and gave the 11pm late bottle. When the baby woke at 4or 5am I was then able to get up, breastfeed and cope all day as I'd had my 8 hours in bed.

This didn't work every night but it saved me.

It's up to you of course about the feeding but I think mixed feeding is the answer when the family is not getting enough sleep. Good luck OP. You were tired enough to cry, something needs to be done.

You're both tired.

You both want to rest.

Can you take it in turns?

So annoying when you say you feel one way and the other half says "yeah me too"
Argh hate that. No you don't feel the same as me!

Hope you sleep better tonight op

Thank you all so, so much. It's really nice to have both my feelings vindicated and also a bit of a talking to about my clear overreaction.

I will be showing him this thread so that he sees that I am not alone in finding his reaction out of order.

It wasn't so much competitive tiredness this morning (not that we haven't done that before!). I'd win that one hands down this time... We went to bed at the same time, I got up with the baby while he slept. Where's my medal? It was more the fact that he had decided that my claim of being tired was somehow unfounded.

And I honestly don't want him to get up with the baby at the moment. He's working hard on a really stressful job at the moment and I honestly don't think it would be fair in our current situation. He just needs to not imply that I haven't had a tough night when I have!

Anyway. We'll have a chat later. Thanks again.

I do know what you mean about not wanting him to have to get up in the night because of a stressful job. Our DD2 (now 6) has disturbed nights sometimes (sometimes several nights in a row). I'm happy for DH to go into the spare bedroom on those nights and get some sleep. No point in us both being sleep-deprived.

I get it that it's about him acknowledging what you've had to cope with when you've been up multiple times during the night, rather than just saying, 'I'm as tired as you are.'