Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Recent ex and someone else.

38 replies

Blackbirdblue30 · 09/04/2018 00:06

I have a very recent ex (same sex couple). We live together and will have to lump it for the foreseeable. I didn't really want the break up and it's been very hard.

What's happened very suddenly is that she went on Tinder and met someone. Was prepared to bring this stranger- on the first date- into our (stopped sharing after this) bed when I was away for the weekend last week. I have huge problems with that, I feel sick at the thought of her being with someone else in our bed so soon and also even just in general re. stranger in the house. Unwanted celibacy is also an issue for me right now-it's driving me mad- and I feel like she's rubbing my face in that element of things. That first night thankfully didn't happen in our bed, however she's stayed seeing her. I've put my foot down that I don't want this woman in our house and that I want my ex to have some respect for how I feel about things at present. However I don't believe she's really taken that on board and is just doing what suits her.

We have guests this weekend. Mutual friends that admittedly I met through her but who are my friends too now. There was a big night out planned for all of us which I then got uninvited to because she wanted to bring this new person instead. I've sat in for the night instead now after looking forward to it all week.It's all happened inside two weeks and I feel so angry. And I HATE this new woman. (Which I know is irrational). AIBU? Or is my ex? What do I do?

Before anyone suggests 'move out', it really isn't an option right now due to all of our various circumstances.

OP posts:

TERFousBreakdown · 09/04/2018 00:15

Sorry you're in such a crap situation, OP.

Still, you need to make it an option and - sorry, I know it's not want to hear - move out!

You've separated. That means you're now basically in a flat share, and you really can't reasonably demand that someone you share with stop dating in order to spare your feelings. And, yes, she's behaving in a rather shitty was by rubbing your nose in it like this, but however much this hurts you still don't get to dictate. And even if, morally, you did it would be an unenforceable right.

Having lived with an ex for going on a year, it's an utterly miserable situation to be in. Not just in terms of them seeing someone else when you're still attached to them but also in that it's virtually impossible to detach yourself emotionally from someone literally sharing your life. And I say this as the person who left the ex I continued living with - being the party being left must be the same hell times 10.

Are there specific reasons why moving is not an option? Is staying with friends or relatives for a bit a feasible alternative?

TheJoyOfSox · 09/04/2018 00:16

If you can’t move out and you’re no longer a couple I really don’t know what else to suggest.
Your ex is your ex and as such, is free to date or shag and I realise that’s not nice for you but how do you expect to tell her what she can or can’t do?

I think you really need to find somewhere else to live, even just temporarily staying on someone’s sofa. Do you have any friends who can take you in, is returning to parents out of the question?

PrettyLittIeThing · 09/04/2018 00:17

Unfortunately she's single so can do what she likes. I wouldn't be happy with it either though but sounds like a shit situation and there's not much you can do as she's an adult and free to date.

Original poster

Blackbirdblue30 · 09/04/2018 00:24

Our city has a rental crisis. There is literally nowhere to move unless I decide to share a bedroom with a stranger and pay a fortune that I don't have for the privilege. Believe me, I've looked. My parents are in a different part of the country so they're out. No friends have a spare room for more than a night's relief here and there. And I'm not the one who's done anything wrong.

OP posts:

SmileyBird · 09/04/2018 00:25

She’s single and can do what she likes BUT any reasonable human being would not behave like this. Complely insensitive. In the long run you will probably think it was for the best, she doesn’t sound like someone who would have ever had your best interests at heart.

Original poster

Blackbirdblue30 · 09/04/2018 00:37

I think she's being appallingly insensitive and if the shoe were in the other foot I wouldn't be either rubbing her face in it or excluding her from a mutual friend's party.

OP posts:

Daifuku9 · 09/04/2018 02:17

Sorry that you’re going through a break up, and this definitely makes things much harder on you.

She’s free to date who she pleases and have them over at your shared place. However, the way she’s doing things is very insensitive and a bit cruel. Is she normally this insensitive, or is she maybe trying to rush you out?
Can you focus on you and find things that help you de-stress? Perhaps also dip into the dating pool, go out and have fun. At least put yourself out there, of course you don’t need to rush into another relationship, just meet new people.

Rawesome6 · 09/04/2018 06:46

I think you should keep looking for somewhere to move to. Better share with a stranger than share with an ex. Does your place of work or study have accommodation list / board?

I don't think you can seek to restrict your ex's dating and sex life. She may being insensitive but she may also be being provocative to prompt you to move out, move on. It's not kind, but you can only limit your exposure to it by moving out. She's sending a very clear message to you that you two as a couple are over.

Re the friends.?Unfortunately mutual friends do tend to go with one side of the split up couple (or at least to one side in the main). Can you reach out to friends who pre-date your relationship for support?

Sorry you are going through this it sounds really tough

KC225 · 09/04/2018 07:26

I agree, yes you are both technically single but she is being insensitive to the point of cruel. Especially uninviting you and replacing you with new woman to friends night out. Awkward.

Is it possible to establish some ground rules until you feel a bit stronger. Would she be amenable to that?

Is there possibility of her moving out?

ClaryFray · 09/04/2018 07:32

She is being a shit I admit. But she's doing nothing wrong. Get separate bedrooms if you can. Lock your door on your own.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/04/2018 07:55

You can’t stay living with her OP

She clearly has no respect if wish to look after your feelings

Can you get a flat share somewhere else ? How many bed rooms is this place (I am assuming it’s rented )

She is your Ex and I would do everything to create a new life and to not have to live with her. Appreciate that means more sacrifice on your part but I can’t see any other option

You will get happier and love again

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/04/2018 07:57

Also this weekend was a cruel act . She is clearly staking a line and they are HER friends and not yours

Sammy901 · 09/04/2018 08:03

But what has she done wrong except split up with you? That’s not a crime and people don’t have to stay in relationships to make the other person happy. She’s done nothing wrong.

She is single and can bring whoever she wants into her flat, you are now just housemates and sharing the flat. You don’t get to control who she sees and who she brings back to her house.

And although there now mutual friends, they were her friends first, not yours. I presume it was her that got invite along with you as there her friends. Would you rather go and watch her with her new partner?

Why not go out with some of your own friends.

Her crime is not being insensitive but I’m sure if she could she would move out anyway so probably doesn’t see why she should put her life on hold when nothing is going to change soon.

Guavaf1sh · 09/04/2018 08:07

I think that even though it is an ex it is a very recent ex that has acted appallingly toward you. To save on further heartache you need to find some way of leaving

ferrier · 09/04/2018 08:13

She's done everything wrong imo.
Totally disrespectful and unreasonable behaviour. Anyone with an ounce of decency would not do this so you are well rid.

What is the agreement on the flat/house? Why is it not possible to get an equivalent arrangement elsewhere? Move to a cheaper area and commute?
Again, if she was decent then she'd be doing the moving unless it's her property.

Original poster

Blackbirdblue30 · 09/04/2018 11:39

Honestly I think she's just 'that' selfish at the moment. She knows full well how hard I'm finding the whole thing and also the celibacy thing too. I do think my face is getting rubbed in it, not through sheer spite but through just doing as she pleases, and fuck how I feel.
Being excluded last night was really tough and I resent it.
Moving would be the obvious option but it's an impossibility for the next six months or so.

OP posts:

PrettyLittIeThing · 09/04/2018 11:45

So you still wanted to go on the night out with them? Why would you want to go on a night out with your ex and her new partner?

Original poster

Blackbirdblue30 · 09/04/2018 11:49

Because I had been invited. And then I was uninvited at the last minute.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blackbirdblue30 · 09/04/2018 11:50

ALSo- it's barely a new partner. It's two or three dates with a stranger off tinder.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 09/04/2018 12:03

These friends of hers.....of yours, I wonder what sort of friends. Are they worth being friends with, are they really worth spending time with, are these people really people you want to be friends with? If the answer is yes then surely they won't like how your ex has behaved! The ex sounds totally self absorbed, it's unacceptable to make one's friends feel uncomfortable and to put them in this position. But then your ex sounds nasty. Perhaps her friends will realise too.

When you see someone as they truly are it makes it very much easier to move on. It makes it easier too to ignore what they are doing and for it to stop hurting you. Let her get on with it. Use your time to find somewhere to live.

PrettyLittIeThing · 09/04/2018 12:09

Tbh the night out would have been super awkward with you there especially since things aren't exactly amicable. And I think they will always be her friend despite you becoming friends with them aswell their loyalties clearly lie with her.

Original poster

Blackbirdblue30 · 09/04/2018 22:45

It sucks to be uninvited at the last minute because she's suddenly decided to bring a date.
It's so rough when someone you trust turns so cruel.

OP posts:

ferrier · 10/04/2018 01:59

It's very rough which is why she should be showing more sensitivity. Instead she's showing her true colours and you are worth so much more than that.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2018 03:47

Be grateful she's your ex because she's clearly a horrible person. I would pity the new person in her life because they obviously don't know the cruelty your ex is capable of. I hope you're able to find new accommodations as quickly as possible.

Original poster

Blackbirdblue30 · 10/04/2018 07:06

I imagine the new person is getting the fun, the nice nights out and the sex and hasn't a clue. I resent it. Doesn't feel great tbh.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2