Recent ex and someone else.

[Blackbirdblue30]

I have a very recent ex (same sex couple). We live together and will have to lump it for the foreseeable. I didn't really want the break up and it's been very hard.

What's happened very suddenly is that she went on Tinder and met someone. Was prepared to bring this stranger- on the first date- into our (stopped sharing after this) bed when I was away for the weekend last week. I have huge problems with that, I feel sick at the thought of her being with someone else in our bed so soon and also even just in general re. stranger in the house. Unwanted celibacy is also an issue for me right now-it's driving me mad- and I feel like she's rubbing my face in that element of things. That first night thankfully didn't happen in our bed, however she's stayed seeing her. I've put my foot down that I don't want this woman in our house and that I want my ex to have some respect for how I feel about things at present. However I don't believe she's really taken that on board and is just doing what suits her.

We have guests this weekend. Mutual friends that admittedly I met through her but who are my friends too now. There was a big night out planned for all of us which I then got uninvited to because she wanted to bring this new person instead. I've sat in for the night instead now after looking forward to it all week.It's all happened inside two weeks and I feel so angry. And I HATE this new woman. (Which I know is irrational). AIBU? Or is my ex? What do I do?

Before anyone suggests 'move out', it really isn't an option right now due to all of our various circumstances.

Ah OP you have a broken heart 💔
They heal but it’s hard hard hard

I didn't really want the break up and it's been very hard.

I'm sorry for your break up, from what you say you're both being unreasonable... by thinking you can share a bed after breaking up.
If you can't leave, you have to get her to leave, her behaviour isn't that of a person looking to 'take a break' and get back together with you and TBH do you want to get back together with someone who treats you like this?
You both deserve better.

FWIW i think she's taking the easy way out - instead of being an adult and making a clean break after having honest conversations with you, she's being deliberately cruel to force you to leave.

Unless you live in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, get on gumtree and look for a houseshare, as I don't believe there is absolutely no where for either of you to move to. You can do this, it's really hard.

We were lucky with this house. What is currently in my price range in this city is seriously shared rooms. A friend of mine just had to move and she is paying twice my current (reasonable) rent to live in a box room, in a house share with three strangers, an hour and a half commute each way to work, in a shitty area. And she was lucky. Moving is not an option right now.

So we have to get along but I don't see how with her behaving like this. It's not right.

Something about the way you keep saying "unwanted celibacy" is making me uneasy. As though sex is your right, or something. Your ex doesn't want to have sex with you, you've split up. I feel like you think it's particularly outrageous that you are being deprived of your right to sex.

If you're both unable to move out, and she wants to clearly signal the relationship is over, what's she meant to do? She wants bed, which she can share with new people. She wants a social life with her friends, without her ex around.

You're gonna have to move out of the city a bit and do a long commute.

By the way my commute is 2 hours.

I meant it as in 'particularly outrageous' that she thinks it's fine to shag someone basically in front of me, and it rubs salt in 'that' element of rejection too. This Tinder person has her own place, I don't think it's unreasonable that they'd just go there.

It’s shit and she is a bitch ! So what are you going to do about it ? She clearly has no regards for your feeling and I can’t see that changing TBH

Our city has a rental crisis. There is literally nowhere to move unless I decide to share a bedroom with a stranger and pay a fortune that I don't have for the privilege. Believe me, I've looked.

Presumably you're not in the UK? It's not this bad even in London.

Dublin has surpassed London in terms of nowhere affordable to live.

Why did she end the relationship?

Bringing a new partner back to the bed you were still sharing was crass and insensitive and your best bet there is to move out of your shared bedroom even on to the couch if that’s the only way forward you can see at the moment. I know of couples who have had to cohabit for a period after a split, me and my ex were one of them, but neither of us brought anyone back (in fact I wasn’t seeing anyone although can’t vouch for ex obviously). But equally I moved into the spare room and we weren’t sharing a bed, but I do know of couples where one or the other has entered into a new relationship and even introduced the kids while they were still living together. It’s a mess all round to do it that way and takes no account of anyone else’s feelings.

However, wrt a night out where you’d been invited as a couple, you were unreasonable to even think you’d still be invited given you weren’t a couple any more. These were her friends not yours, they were only mutual by design i.e. because you were part of the same couple at the time. If they choose to remain friends with you in the future then that will be their choice to make not yours, but invites to couples nights out are no longer on the cards with this particular ex, whether she chooses to bring another date instead or not.

I think name calling and hoping the mutual friends see her for what she is is unreasonable. We have no idea why she ended the relationship but she has the right to do so. It doesn’t mean she has done anything wrong either.

We broke up because we want very different things in the future, not because we can't stand one another.
Bedroom is no longer shared- we've got a teeny tiny spare room and have agreed turns.

She spent my birthday night shagging the new person. That cuts.