To be disappointed in life?

[rabbitrabbit12]

I'm 39 divorced for a second time, my eldest dd 18 left last year to live with her bf and my 12 yr old is still home but goes to her father's eow and away this week for school hols.

I have a partner who is a bit older than me but generally we get on well.

I can't help but feel disappointed in life, and just seem to think 'Is this it?!' I feel sad when dd isn't around, we live in a fairly quiet town, we know people but not that well. I have thought about aving another child but don't think partner is keen.

It's not like I'm not doing anything, I'm doing a part time degree and go to the gym often.

I just feel so fed up, is it mid life crisis or empty nest??
Help..

It sounds to me like you don’t have much of a life outside of your children, so of course it will be disappointing when they start growing up and leaving you.

Rather than having another one, which just kicks the can further down the road, think about ways you can live your life for yourself.

YABU you are blessed in so many ways. Find a way to make the most of it. Seriously.

First of all, if you are grateful, you cannot be sad, angry or depressed. The act of feeling immense gratitude pushes out negative emotions. Truly feel grateful for the abundance you have because others suffer in this world.

Next, use your time to make a difference or learn something new. Learn a new language, join a club (book club), volunteer at a charity shop, plan to go sight seeing around the country, start a small business, upcycle furniture as a hobby, go metal detecting... the possibilities are truly endless. Fill your time with meaningful, interesting plans and activities.

Don't rely on your children to be your source of entertainment or your best friends. You'll end up making them feel guilty when they're not with you.

There is so much to do, so much to give. I swear if I lived a thousand years I wouldn't be able to fit in all the things I want to do.

YANBU you don’t sound ungrateful you sound a bit lonely and stuck in a rut.

Finding something you really enjoy and are passionate about is great advice but seriously people calling someone ungrateful for feeling down is just sticking the boot in.

There’s loads of small ways to perk yourself up and start really enjoying life. Different ones work for different people. I like my house feeling cosy and organised which is bloody difficult with small kids but magical when I do achieve it. A good book, little things like flowers or new bits like really awesome pretty and comfy socks, a walk in the fresh air round the prettier bits of where I live and a good pamper. All these things give me the motivation to do the bigger things but also really cheer me up when there’s not much else going on.

So my advice is find small stuff that cheers you up and maybe make bigger plans to find a passion in something. If you are really struggling though and still feel down depression can happen to anyone at any age in any walk of life so see your GP if nothing else helps.

Can’t you go out with partner? Meals out, country walks, coffee and cake? Your Kids are always going to grow up and go away. Make a nice life with your partne x

You had your oldest quite young so I think you just never got to grips with indulging yourself and now you don't know what makes you feel fulfilled. I had mine late so I did the understanding me in my late 20s and early 30s. You need to be a bit selfish now and think about career and interests. Have flights of fantasy :)

I have a partner who is a bit older than me but generally we get on well

Sounds to me like you're settling for someone who doesn't really light your fire.

First of all, if you are grateful, you cannot be sad

That is the most CUNTY thing I have ever read on here

No one else feels like this then :/

Well currently I don’t feel like that no. I’m not in exactly the same situation as you either but I do feel like that from time to time and I have loads to be grateful for, that I am grateful for. Sometimes it’s harder to drag myself out of than others but what I posted upthread is what really helps me when I do feel like that.

As I said different things work for different people but you’re not on your own feeling like that. A lot of people I know have felt like that at some point too.

Would a dog be better?

First of all, if you are grateful, you cannot be sad, angry or depressed. The act of feeling immense gratitude pushes out negative emotions. Truly feel grateful for the abundance you have because others suffer in this world.

Give me strength.

@positiveproton

How can you possibly think your response is helpful?

sameoldsame and CircleSquare
Really, if you've nothing better to say than attacking someone else who's trying to help the OP, then just leave the thread.
She's asked for help and Gingermuffin has advised her of what works for her.
Your comments and language are uncalled for.

@BuffyBee I think they were responding to positiveproton not me. I was trying to say that you can feel crap and be grateful for what you’ve got at the same time and I know that because I do too sometimes.

I think what ginger said was really helpful!!!!!
It was positives that I thought was utterly thoughtless and unhelpful

Sounds as though you need to take up a hobby which gets you out and about and meeting new people. If you don't know what might interest you then try a few things until you find the right one.

You don't seem enamoured with your partner, are you sure you want to be with them?

First of all, if you are grateful, you cannot be sad, angry or depressed. The act of feeling immense gratitude pushes out negative emotions

This is not true. Ffs.

I sometimes feel a bit like this, but I need a kick up the arse. It happened a fortnight ago. During the early afternoon I got a message from an old school friend who mentioned she and her husband were selling up their business and large and lovely house, moving to a new house and retiring to have fun. I couldn't help but feel a little twinge of jealousy, I know it is wrong and that comparison is the thief of joy but I couldn't help it. A couple of hours later I got an email through from another old friend who I had wished "Happy Easter" this informed me that the cancer that was originally thought to be eminently treatable had returned and he had about 3 months to live. A salutary lesson for me about what really matters.

You sound lonely.

"we live in a fairly quiet town, we know people but not that well" stuck out to me. This is true for me too - and it sucks. We're moving soon so I'm holding off for now, but I think keeping busy and hoping to make some local friends will really help. I'm planning to join a couple of hobby clubs and get involved in some volunteering.

Any uni or gym acquaintances you could ask to go for a drink with?

What were your expectations of life when you were younger?

I have a dog and I am grateful for what I have. I just feel lost at the moment

‘I can't help but feel disappointed in life, and just seem to think 'Is this it?!' I feel sad when dd isn't around, we live in a fairly quiet town, we know people but not that well. I have thought about aving another child but don't think partner is keen.’

You’ve highlighted the problem yourself. You are living through your children, rather than getting out there and living your own life.

Obviously you love your children unconditionally, and it’s great that you enjoy their company but it’s not healthy to feel sad when they’re not physically with you, at their age, and they’ll soak up the pressure of how you feel even if you try to suppress it.

What is your degree for, in the longer scheme of things? Have you ever had a career, or just jobs?

Frankly, going to the gym would bore me rigid. It does feel as if you’re finding activities to fill your days rather than grasping life with both hands and living it.

And having another child simply to give you a sense of purpose isn’t healthy ...

You had your first child young and it sounds like you’re stuck in a place of feeling your purpose comes through repeating the pattern by having another child.

Lost is exactly how I felt. It's so easy to sort of go into autopilot and find yourself suddenly feeling like everything has gone a bit blah and you don't know where to start or even whats really wrong. I can tell you what worked for me though. Sorry if this is long and feel free to ignore it if you think its a load of tosh.

I figured out where to start by treating everything like I do when I'm having a clear out of the crap we've managed to accumulate in the house. I thought about everything and sorted it into love it, fix it and bin it and stuff to add.

House, job, relationship, wardrobe, friends, etc. Does it make you happy, can you fix it or should you get rid and/or replace it. Once you've figured that out make an effort to really notice the good bits however small and start with the easiest things to add, fix or get rid of first and make plans for how to get the bigger stuff done when you can.

I also realised that I'd spent so long putting everything into the kids and work that I had forgotten about my passions in life. I spent a while thinking about what I used to enjoy and looking up new things that I like the idea of. I make an effort to fit them in as much as I can instead of spending any free time I have watching crap TV and messing about online with no real purpose like I used to. If actually doing them isn't an option for whatever reason when I've got a minute free I love pinterest for a bit of inspiration and plans for when I have got time.

Also as I said before treating myself to little things that make me happy that don't cost a lot or require much effort like decent coffee every now and again instead of cheap stuff all the time and a bunch of flowers for the house when I pass some that look lovely in the shop. Adding music to boring jobs etc always perks things up for me too.

I still feel a bit lost and get stuck in a rut every now and again when life gets on top of me and things slip but usually manage to give myself a bit of a nudge and start with the small things again and it has always worked so far.

Hope this helps and that you feel better soon.