To be disappointed in life?

[rabbitrabbit12]

I'm 39 divorced for a second time, my eldest dd 18 left last year to live with her bf and my 12 yr old is still home but goes to her father's eow and away this week for school hols.

I have a partner who is a bit older than me but generally we get on well.

I can't help but feel disappointed in life, and just seem to think 'Is this it?!' I feel sad when dd isn't around, we live in a fairly quiet town, we know people but not that well. I have thought about aving another child but don't think partner is keen.

It's not like I'm not doing anything, I'm doing a part time degree and go to the gym often.

I just feel so fed up, is it mid life crisis or empty nest??
Help..

Great post Gingermuffin.

@sameoldsame I see you think what I say sounds like vagina. If that's the worse thing you have read on here, you probably don't read many posts on Mumsnet then. OP, I offer the advice that worked for me, because I was hospitalised after a suicide attempt, suffered depression most of my life after I was abused as a child and was about as self destructive as can be. You could say I was more than just disappointed in life.

I found that the best thing that worked for me was the Tony Robbins-esque "tough love" attitude like I detailed above and now I'm incredibly happy and fulfilled. If I ever lapse into the dark thoughts, I remember that I am grateful for all of the blessings I have in my life and that helps me massively. It helps me then focus on and help others who aren't fortunate.

Whilst @sameoldsame says that I'm saying "cunty things, it wasn't my intention to come across that way and I sincerely hope that someone else manages to help you.

worst*

PositiveProton
Realising you have mental health issues when you seemingly have a perfect life is possibly the worst position to be in. You’re thinking “I have a nice house, DC, nice husband... so why do I feel like this?” Saying “if you’re grateful you cannot feel any negative emotions” is a stupid thing to say. You’ve had a shit life including abuse, depression, etc... it’s totally understandable that you’ve had mental health problems.
OP hasn’t had a crap life, so the fact that she feels a bit lost is confusing for her. In fact, worrying about it could cause her to feel worse... “I should feel grateful, and I do, so why do I feel lost/empty?” and just go round in a vicious circle.

Plus I hate this attitude of “other people have it worse than me so I can’t complain”. Where do you draw the line? I know someone who had a stillbirth between two healthy kids... so she shouldn’t feel sad, but grateful because at least she has kids, when some people cannot have any kids due to infertility? Someone loses a parent, but they should be grateful that they have one parent because their friend has lost both their parents? Someone worries about paying rent on their flat, but they should be grateful they at least have somewhere to live when there are lots of homeless people?
You just end up playing a game of Misery Top Trumps, which happens quite a bit on Mumsnet.

Tough love is generally for the giver and not the receiver.

Op I get you. I had Dc1 at 16. It’s come as a shock that they are grown up and I’m still young. Dunno what the answers are but you shouldn’t be flamed for asking. And I’d give my right ARM for another baby!

Yes I agree saying 'just be grateful' isn't helpful - just makes you feel guilty.

Sorry you're feeling so down OP. You sound like you've got things going on with the degree and gym; I think what Gingermuffin is saying ace advice. Is the degree something you are passionate about, as you could always look at something like meetup to see other things that are going on in your area? Usually when I'm feelin flat or bored, I look for an extra project, something with purpose etc.

And when I am in slumps, I try and be extra kind to myself - invest in myself be in baths, haircuts, getting to bed early, more time reading, doing the things I like etc. Hope you get some good advice here .

Id say it's both a bit of Empty Nesty and Midlife.

I've just turned 40 my teens are 16 and 18. They haven't left home just yet but they no longer need me in the same way.

39/40 is a funny age...it can be said that's it the half way mark.

We put so much energy into raising a family that we often don't think too hard about what comes next. When were kids we think about when we're grown up and have kids of our own.

What does come next? Is a scary question

My advice is....

that you don't have enough information yet.

At this point, your job is to gather as much information as possible about things you want to do, achieve, see etc etc what things float your boat or get you excited

As your doing that....you'll find a theme, maybe a spark of excitement about something that will give you a direction to go in.

Whenever we don't know what to do or what's wrong....it just means we don't have enough information yet.

Hope this makes sense

Thanks ginger and wheelycote your posts were helpful. I had kids young in the hope I could enjoy life while I was still young but now I've got here I don't know who I am :/ I've had a lot of upheaval the past few yrs namely divorce & redundancy from a job & relationship I'd been in for years so I hope you can understand my feelings of being lost. I have very few friends now because of those things. I guess things can only get better ..

PositiveProton I so agree with everything you said.

Rabbit it might feel bland before it gets better but don't worry.

The trick I think is to find answers, decisions and plans whilst everything is on the current even keel. So get to work and do some digging

Life can be a dick and throw us a curve ball. Like snakes and ladders....one minute your up then your down. At the minute your neither up or down....a good place to be whilst your figuring your next move.

Get gathering that information Xx

I feel the same.
However in your situation I would look at the positives which for me would be that now that the children are older you can do more.
Personally I’d be looking into travelling, weekend city breaks, day trips etc

What would you like to do in life? Are there things you were hoping to achieve that you haven't yet?

I know that some people might laugh at this but you sound bored. Have you thought about getting a dog? They are such amazing company, they get you out of the house, they are great listeners.

Good luck xxx

The gratitude thing has been shown in studies to be effective, noting down a few things every day or two that you're grateful for - a nice cup of coffee, a green traffic light, a break in the rain... Actually it retrains our brains to look at the positives as well as the negatives. Self care and self compassion also really important, as is feeling like you're doing something of value, and connections with others. How would you rate your satisfaction with your health, relationships, career and fun?