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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of my house being trashed or am I OTT fussy

69 replies

BiddydeBint · 08/04/2018 18:51

I'm starting to get really fed up with some friends and family when they visit, mostly their unwillingness to stop their children wrecking my house. I admit I am probably stricter than a lot of people when it comes to certain household rules, but I don't think I'm overly fussy.
In the past few months, we have had visitors whose children have ground food into our new sofas, walked mud through the carpet (shoes were obviously filthy as they'd been out for a walk down our very wet and muddy back lane) scribbled over walls, bounced so hard on beds that they caused the ceiling to shake, teased the cats to the point of scratching, walked around the house clutching a bar of chocolate which melted everywhere, knocked chunks out of the woodwork in one of my rooms, smashed a picture, dragged all our books and dvds off ye shelves, walked into my bedroom and started looking in my drawers...

These have been different visitors and the children have ranged in age from 2-12. The parents haven't said a word and it has been left to me to ask the children to stop.

Maybe I'm being precious, but my three DC have never behaved like that in their own house, never mind other people's. They're far from perfect, but if they want to go wild, scream, and roll in mud they can do it outside. Indoors, I've always taught them to take care of their things and ours. We work hard for what we have, and haven't always had the money to replace broken or damaged things. It's about respect in my eyes - respect for the fact that someone else has to clean up that mess, or pay for damage to be fixed.

I'm getting to the point where I just don't want people round, because I can't be bothered doing the clean up after they let their children run riot-right in front of their parent's noses.

If parents see, for example, their three year old taking every single book out of a bookcase and flinging it on the floor, why on earth do they think that's OK? Of course I'll tell the child to stop, and the parents just smile and say "oh you know what they are like at that age" actually I can't say I do!

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 08/04/2018 19:26

Just don't invite them again. You should not have to put up with your house being trashed like this.

Jonsey79 · 08/04/2018 19:28

Yanbu. I have friends like this and it does my head in. When it comes to telling them off it becomes difficult because it's literally constant.

Their parents are more relaxed than I am. E.g. they're allowed to wander around the living room with food whereas my dc only have food at the table. I wonder if it's because their house is easier to clean (wooden floors, tons of storage etc), whereas mine is all carpeted. I don't know. I prefer to meet them in public places where possible!

fruitlovingmonkey · 08/04/2018 19:31

Sounds like one side of my family. I have very strict rules. The adults all think I’m precious but I don’t care.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/04/2018 19:31

The teasing cats would be the line in the sand for me.

Cheekyandfreaky · 08/04/2018 19:32

Public places or just meet without kids. This sort of thing does my head in too.

RidingWindhorses · 08/04/2018 19:33

I think you need to stop telling them 'nicely'.

Just tell them plainly what the house rules are, and if they break them you're in charge of the consequences.

Spangles1963 · 08/04/2018 19:33

Sounds like my (thankfully now ex) SIL and her 'delightful' family have been round to yours OP. God,how I hated their visits.

WeAllHaveWings · 08/04/2018 19:36

Children take shoes off in my house, they don't eat/drink anywhere other than the kitchen/table and would not be allowed to trash my house.

When ds's friends were small I had the phrases "I bet your mum doesnt let you do that at home " and "well I don't care what you do at home we don't do that in this house"

Stop being a doormat, there is nothing wrong with telling people you don't want sticky fingers on your sofa or food in your carpet.

MumofBoysx2 · 08/04/2018 19:41

Don't be afraid to tell your little visitors to take their shoes off when they come in if they haven't been trained to do this, and maybe next time tell the children your bedroom is firmly off limits.

quizqueen · 08/04/2018 19:43

When they ask to visit again then just say, 'Sorry, last time you were here, you let your kids........ and I'm not prepared to put up with sort of behaviour' in my house. Then suggest you visit their place or meet on neutral territory. If you allow them to come again and behave in the same way then no one will have any sympathy so nip it in the bud now even if it's family.

Mydoghatesthebath · 08/04/2018 19:45

Jesus no no no op! Shows off in my house. Eating and drinking in the kitchen etc you sound fine. Stop being a doormat

ems137 · 08/04/2018 19:48

I am pretty relaxed when it comes to kids and so are my friends and family. NONE of those things would happen in my house (or theirs).

The adults in your social circle need telling tbh. Our house is well lived in with 4 kids and 2 under 2's but shoes are taken off at the front door and you have to sit at the table to eat food. I can't ever imagine children running into my house straight up the stairs and we live in a rough(ish) area with some pretty rough(ish) people. (I'm not a snob, DH and I have loads of friends on our street)

Original poster

BiddydeBint · 08/04/2018 19:49

Oh, I forgot about the mum who brought play dough to keep the kids occupied, except she proceeded to spread it out for them on the floor.

It'll cause no end of rows if i straight out tell them they are not coming over because their kids are feral, but I'll certainly arrange meet ups for public places/adults only.

It's actually not fair to my DC either. Especially when visiting children are wandering around doing things that they are not allowed to do, or messing up the rooms that i expect them to keep tidy.

Someone up thread mentioned a messy guest who is happy to allow their children to trash houses while their own remains spotless - this applies to a few of my visitors too! I hadn't quite made the connection.

OP posts:

wombatron · 08/04/2018 19:50

Also not a parent but my friend brings her 5yo over when she comes, sometimes the 2yo too. Both are well behaved and respectful to the point of the 5yo stayed over with her recently. He was trusted in a room with someone else's things, a telly and an Xbox... and there was not a peep out of him. He acts up a bit showing off but normal kid stuff. What you're experiencing sounds like lazy parenting (or what I judge to be), and out of line. I wouldn't be able to go into detail with parents if it were me, but I'd definitely have no issue with things along the lines of "I've had too many visitors with children disrespecting my home, you're welcome round if you can get a sitter, if not I'll come to you".

wombatron · 08/04/2018 19:51

And when I say trusted with an Xbox, he didn't think to even touch it. Such a good boy.

topcat2014 · 08/04/2018 19:52

I feel for you, OP, but there is an element of uptightness in your view.

I don't really care where in my house small children go - I don't have this 'upstairs is sacred' view that is common on MN.

Jumping on beds, well, that happens. Rafters creak, but hey ho.

Food scattered everywhere - I can see why that would annoy.

Whilst I don't think my DC were ever as badly behaved as the ones you describe, after a while I would probably stop coming round..

StrumpersPlunkett · 08/04/2018 19:54

I am relaxed but all of your op would have me jumping through the roof.
When we have kids here I am v harsh only eating when sitting down. No drinks in the sitting room and v firm words to anyone winding up the cats with zero sympathy for a scratch.
General mess from toys is fine but the last 10 mins of a visit is always packing things away.
If your friends ask to get together again soon I would say can we meet at the park I am still trying to get the chocolate out of the carpet from little billy’s Last visit.

Herbalteahippie · 08/04/2018 19:54

YANBU. the childish part of my brain is suggesting you go round to their place and behave just like them 😉

TheHandmaidsTail · 08/04/2018 19:55

Eurgh I had a couple of friends like this who totally trashed everything and despite my very vocal protests never bothered to do anything about it - so I stopped asking them. And it is a shame but just shows a complete lack of respect for you and your things. Definitely go to their house if it's an option but funnily enough it never was for my "friends"

NutElla5x · 08/04/2018 19:57

Your friends and family sound awful OP and they obviously have no respect for you.Get new friends and ban your trashy family.

wombatron · 08/04/2018 19:59

I don't agree you're being uptight. People have different expectations to what good and bad behaviour is. Jumping on your own bed at home is one thing, to allow your children to do it in someone else's home is bad manners.

I don't care if visiting kids make mess or move cushions and make dens or want to play with things. I don't care if they were painting or doing drawings and accidentally got paint on things... or if they insist on asking to take apart model cars to try and put back together and lose bits. They have asked and have had permission.

I do care if someone is disrespectful to my home. I do also care if a parent insists on bringing their children here and then allows them to treat it badly because "they are just kids". It's poor form on the parents part and it teaches children that it's okay to behave like that with possessions that aren't theirs.

SmallBlondeMama · 08/04/2018 20:01

I could have written this post!! Just today I had to put away all the books on my sons bookshelf because a 5 year old who should know better flung them all over the room when he was over yesterday. It makes me furious!! As a busy mom of 3 I have no time as it is and don't want to waste a weekend cleaning up after other peoples kids. I told my husband that I'm done hosting our friends over here at least until summer when we can all sit outside. My kids know that they have to keep their rooms & play room clean and any toys left laying around will be tossed. I wish other parents would raise their kids the same way or at least teach them to respect other people's stuff!

Bluelonerose · 08/04/2018 20:12

Ah yes I have 1 friend in that category too.
Last time she came round the curtain pole ended up being ripped out the wall Thankfully she doesn't drive so I always have to go to hers where her kids are allowed to do what the fuck they like think jumping on dining room table and writing on the wall

FlyTipper · 08/04/2018 20:13

I have very low standards in my house - dusty, piled up with crap - but when kids with their parents do that sort of thing it makes me sad (and mad). It's a lack of respect to another person's personal space. If my kids got the mad march disease and started going nutty around someone else's house, I would stop them, no question. Whatever state the house was in, whoever the people we were visiting.

corcaithecat · 08/04/2018 20:19

They sound dreadful. Anyone with children behaving that badly wouldn't be invited back again. You need to change your friends if they think it's acceptable to allow their children to treat your home as a playground.

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