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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being BU here?

36 replies

Stardust91 · 08/04/2018 13:45

I am pregnant and was hungry so was looking for something to eat when DH suggested hotdogs and he would be happy to make them for me. I love hotdogs and since we aren't big on lunches (for DH it's all about dinner, i am a breakfast person) thought it was a good idea as something quick to have.

We were eating when DM called to see how we are. I told her we are eating and she asked what. I should never have told her about the hotdogs. She lost it.

She started a long lecture about how i shouldn't be eating crap and snacks during pregnancy and it's very bad and DH needs to make me vegetables and fruits dishes. And that i need to have a word with him. And how that types of food have chemicals and i will be gaining weight etc etc.
By that point i was fed up and told her, right have a good Sunday too. She asked what you mean? I said to her, well you phoned to see how we are and you started moaning and lecturing me. Anyway, did you and your DP go anywhere last night? (I tried changing the subject). She mumbled something and passed the phone over to her DP who asked what i told my DM because she left the room crying and called me my 'father's daughter' (that was meant as an insult and she only calls me that when she feels I am being difficult and unreasonable. Parents are divorced).

I think she massively overreacted. Her DP told me to call later. Anyway, i am not sure how to go about this. I did call 15-20min later and found out that they had gone out and they weren't there.

Who is the unreasonable here? I don't feel like i said anything insulting or upsetting to her. Quite the opposite, i feel she was saying more upsetting things as if i didn't know how to take care of myself and my baby. I know she is waiting for me to apologize, but i am not sure how to even approach this discussion when i get in touch again and what to tell her.

Sorry for long post. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardust91 · 08/04/2018 13:48

Damn, i just noticed the fail of a title...and i did read through before posting....

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 08/04/2018 13:50

i dont se you have anything to apologise for

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 08/04/2018 13:53

Your mum needs to mind her own business, this is what I would tell her as opposed to apologising.

Glug44 · 08/04/2018 13:53

Did she shout at you or was it said calmly as a parental lecture? From what you’ve said here nothing seems factually incorrect; processed meat is bad for you but you already know that. Could you have overreacted?

MsHomeSlice · 08/04/2018 13:54

just what you did really, cut her off and change the subject but do it before she gets the bit between her teeth and if she makes a second attempt then be firmer "I am not discussing this with you, now let's move on"

if you feel much braver then you can tackle her about the histrionics and put down your line in the sand "I will not engage with you, or apologise for you getting into a state to try and get your own way. Is that clear?"

And don't take messages from her DP....have a lovely conversation and a laugh with them and round off with "tell Mum to call me when she has got over herself"

TalkFastThinkSlow · 08/04/2018 13:57

Don't apologise. You can eat anything you want, in general, in moderation

I ate a lot of pizza when I was pregnant, the only time in my life when I actually regularly fancied pizza. My excuse was always "baby wants pizza" Grin

Original poster
Stardust91 · 08/04/2018 14:10

Thank you for your replies. I won't apologize but i will try and offer an olive branch and have a calm conversation with her. If I don't make the first move she will be holding that against me as well. She aaalways does when we argue. Sigh

Glug44 she wasn't shouting, but she was in parent mode and was scolding me (would that be the correct word?not an english speaker) like a child. It didn't feel great even though she is right about unhealthy food.

OP posts:
Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 14:15

I’d not bother phoning back to be honest. Who needs that shit on a Sunday ?

Glug44 · 08/04/2018 14:15

In that case I’d let it go personally. You will get a lot more of these types of comments after baby is born; pick your battles.

Original poster
Stardust91 · 08/04/2018 14:16

Talkfastthinkslow that actually made me feel better Smile. I felt totally crap and the whole thing made me feel like i just poisoned my baby with one hotdog! I do try eating healthier and i am taking my vitamins. I am just weak sometimes....

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 08/04/2018 14:18

I would be asking her to sort her life and her partner, how does she allow her partner to call her DD “her father’s daughter” in an offensive way?, that is incredibly cruel be it from your mum or his partner.

This is all about control, break the loop and start as you plan to go now that you are to become a mother. They both need to understand you are no longer a Child and they need to start minding their own business.

DanceDisaster · 08/04/2018 14:21

Your mum is definitely the one BU.

ShiftyMcGifty · 08/04/2018 14:24

I’d call her partner and ask him if she’s ready to apologise for her behaviour to you? Grin

Returnofthesmileybar · 08/04/2018 14:29

Why are you offering an olive branch? Let her stew in the juices she boiled in, as my mother would say. Don't contact her for a few more days anyway and when it's mentioned tell her you are an adult and lectures on nutrition are not required or welcomed. She's a drama queen don't pander to her.

Her dp I on the other hand I would tell him to fuck right off, who does he think he is with his "father's daughter" comment Shock

Original poster
Stardust91 · 08/04/2018 14:32

Nortsurethisiswhatiwant your comment made me think. You see my DF's side of the family(his parents, siblings etc) are real control freaks and always get involved in each others business and my DM always would say that they need to mind their own business and (ironically) encouraged me to always do what i want. Your comment made me pause and think when she became like that and I think it happened when i told her DH and I are having a baby. This is only the beginning isn't it Confused

OP posts:
dudsville · 08/04/2018 14:32

It's a lot of Wotton over a mole hill. Your dm was taking a position that was unnecessary. You felt a lot in response. If you guess can see your way to just letting this go you'll be happier.

GrandTheftWalrus · 08/04/2018 14:37

I lived off kebabs when I was pregnant, I'm surprised she didn't come out holding a pita bread!

I wouldn't worry about a couple of hotdogs.

Just tell your dm to bugger off.

Ballora · 08/04/2018 14:40

Yanbu, it's a hotdog ffs, not crack cocaine!

SandyY2K · 08/04/2018 14:44

I wouldn't be calling back to apologise. She'll call you when she's ready.

No need to tell her to bugger off or be rude either ...that will only escalate issues.

Lemontart25 · 08/04/2018 14:51

Just let her have her hissy fit & wait until she calls you. End of. She has no right being your/a mother is not a reason to lecture you about what to eat & I can assure you if you don't stand your ground & nip this in the bud now you will be back here once baby is born posting that your DM undermines your routine/rules/food for baby etc

It doesn't need to be a massive issue or falling out just decide if you always want the responsibility for making up on your shoulders. Also are you always prepared to be the one that looks wrong? Beacaue in her eyes (clearly she is somewhat unreasonable) that is what you calling to offer said "olive branch" will indicate, regardless of the facts!

I would just wait it out & then state you are the one with the baby & you feel you are capable to make the best choices so whilst you appreciate her support it would be best if she could just accept you will find your own way.

Original poster
Stardust91 · 08/04/2018 15:17

A couple of PP mentioned this and i think i put the sentence incorrectly together when i posted it. Her DP didn't personally call me 'my father's daughter', my DM called me that as she handed the phone to him and he just said 'what did you say to your DM, she just passed the phone to me, called you 'your father's daughter' and left room crying'.

She just phoned, btw... She asked what i wanted. As i mentioned in OP i did call 15-20min after all this happened but they weren't there. I said i just wanted to talk about what happened. Long story short, she was offended that i didn't tell her in a nice way to change the subject (apparently telling her to stop moaning about my food was rude and uncalled for) and she feels that i am not taking care of myself and if i want to eat junk and risk my baby's health then fine. Anyway, i wasn't in the mood and just went along with it. BUT i never said 'sorry'. I will take whatever small victories i can.

OP posts:
agentdaisy · 08/04/2018 15:17

She's absolutely batshit. It's a couple of hotdogs not crack cocaine with a side of heroin.

I wouldn't phone her either, I'd leave it to her to make the first move or she'll do this more and more. What happens if she doesn't agree with how you feed your baby? Will she throw a strop and you'll have to beg forgiveness?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/04/2018 15:20

Practice the phrases “thanks for the feedback” and try and ignore it. Your mum is 100% unreasonable but it doesn’t sound like she’s likely to change. I remember my mum getting tearful that the skirting boards were so dirty or something like that, I’ve never cleaned a skirting board in my life and I wasn’t about to start at 7 months pregnant with twins! So I utilised the highly useful corporate phrase Grin

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 08/04/2018 15:27

I usually eat really well but both of my beautiful, healthy children were built on a 9 month junk food diet. Morning, noon and night. No one dared comment to my face or they'd be told where to go.

Gottagetmoving · 08/04/2018 15:29

This has happened a few times with me and my daughter. She usually makes a comment like you did, i.e. ' And how are you too?' Or similar. It's enough to make me realise what I'm doing...and to stop!
Luckily, my daughter knows I do care and love her and I know I shouldn't nag.
I wouldn't take offence at my daughter putting me in my place when I'm out of order and I wouldn't expect her to say sorry...it's me that says sorry. One day I will learn to keep my mouth shut...in fact I do it much less as a result of her not putting up with it.