Please go easy on me here with this one as an feeling a bit fragile but could do with some perspective.
Have three children ranging from 1-7 and am struggling a bit.
None of them have ever slept even a single night until they were gone three so I’ve not slept since 2010
My OH works away.
One of my DCs has special needs which are quite draining.
We had a family bereavement very recently which has meant I’ve been supporting many other family members.
I have no one who can help have all three of them at the same time so I can’t seem to get even a 5 min break where I’m ‘off duty’.
When OH is around he’s a great hands on dad but he works away a lot, has a time consuming hobby as well as long hours spent training for a national charity event which he does every year.
I also work but had to leave a job I loved to cut my hours as I was struggling to coordinate childcare so now only work very part time and often remotely so don’t have the camaraderie of my old job and am often alone.
My OH has also recently been diagnosed with a health condition which is quite worrying for us as a family.
I suffer from a chronic spine and joint disorder which means I’m often in great pain.
My OH and i never ever go out as a couple as he is either away or training. I’m so lonely as despite having lots of friends, I rarely get to see them without the children so get no adult time as it’s usually just chasing them around softplay etc.
We’re also having major structural work done to the house so I’m often without electricity or heating for days on end and the noise and dust is unholy.
We don’t have any money worries and my OH is very generous, often buying me quite extravagant presents which are lovely but in some ways make me feel worse as what I really crave is what you can’t buy - peace, rest, time with friends and my partner to want to spend time 1-1 with me.
I’m finding that from the outside in I look like I have a lovely life but inside I’m crying. I keep bursting into tears in the evenings which I invariably spend on my own as I’m so tired, lonely, drained and a bit lost. I’ve tried talking to OH and he always promises we’ll go out together and he’ll cut back on work and training etc but nothing ever changes. I’ve tried booking stuff for us to do but circumstances always seem to conspire against us and we never end up going or we have to cut things short.
Our sex life is non existent too and despite me always making an effort to look nice and be attractive, he doesn’t seem interested yet proposed last year and we’re due to be married later this year.
I don’t know if I’m acting like a brat as I know this doesn’t seem like a ‘real’ problem but I’m so tired and lonely that I feel I’ve lost a bit of perspective as well as a bit of myself somewhere along the way.
I now don’t know if I’m depressed or whether I’ve blown everything up in my head.
As I said, please go easy as I’m not in the best of places but a fresh pair of eyes would be really helpful.
Thank you.