Don’t know if I’m ungrateful or depressed

[Sparklycurtainpole]

Please go easy on me here with this one as an feeling a bit fragile but could do with some perspective.
Have three children ranging from 1-7 and am struggling a bit.
None of them have ever slept even a single night until they were gone three so I’ve not slept since 2010
My OH works away.
One of my DCs has special needs which are quite draining.
We had a family bereavement very recently which has meant I’ve been supporting many other family members.
I have no one who can help have all three of them at the same time so I can’t seem to get even a 5 min break where I’m ‘off duty’.
When OH is around he’s a great hands on dad but he works away a lot, has a time consuming hobby as well as long hours spent training for a national charity event which he does every year.
I also work but had to leave a job I loved to cut my hours as I was struggling to coordinate childcare so now only work very part time and often remotely so don’t have the camaraderie of my old job and am often alone.
My OH has also recently been diagnosed with a health condition which is quite worrying for us as a family.
I suffer from a chronic spine and joint disorder which means I’m often in great pain.
My OH and i never ever go out as a couple as he is either away or training. I’m so lonely as despite having lots of friends, I rarely get to see them without the children so get no adult time as it’s usually just chasing them around softplay etc.
We’re also having major structural work done to the house so I’m often without electricity or heating for days on end and the noise and dust is unholy.
We don’t have any money worries and my OH is very generous, often buying me quite extravagant presents which are lovely but in some ways make me feel worse as what I really crave is what you can’t buy - peace, rest, time with friends and my partner to want to spend time 1-1 with me.
I’m finding that from the outside in I look like I have a lovely life but inside I’m crying. I keep bursting into tears in the evenings which I invariably spend on my own as I’m so tired, lonely, drained and a bit lost. I’ve tried talking to OH and he always promises we’ll go out together and he’ll cut back on work and training etc but nothing ever changes. I’ve tried booking stuff for us to do but circumstances always seem to conspire against us and we never end up going or we have to cut things short.
Our sex life is non existent too and despite me always making an effort to look nice and be attractive, he doesn’t seem interested yet proposed last year and we’re due to be married later this year.
I don’t know if I’m acting like a brat as I know this doesn’t seem like a ‘real’ problem but I’m so tired and lonely that I feel I’ve lost a bit of perspective as well as a bit of myself somewhere along the way.
I now don’t know if I’m depressed or whether I’ve blown everything up in my head.
As I said, please go easy as I’m not in the best of places but a fresh pair of eyes would be really helpful.
Thank you.

if you have no money worries , then buy time, someone to help in the house, someone to watch the kids for a few hours whilst you go out as a couple or have a few hours to yourself or a day at a spa?

Your DP needs to stop being so selfish.

Christ - imagine if he had had no sleep for eight long years, no time to himself, had had to give up a job he loved to deal with the kids....just imagine. And you were swanning off working and enjoying hobbies and feeling super-good about yourself being charitable and pouring time and energy into getting fit and healthy for that...

What a contrast. Why have you been given all the shit?!

I am not comparing your kids to that but why have you had all the hard, exhausting, draining stuff dumped on you without five minutes respite?

He’s been so, so selfish. You need to talk and tell him just how unjust your supposed partnership is.

I agree that your DP needs to give something up and make more time for his family. It is not fair to leave you with all the problems and chuck expensive gifts at you like that makes everything ok.

You also need to get some help to look after the DC. If money is no object then you can afford care even for SN. Get in a helper rather than a cleaner for extra hours, somebody who will do a bit of everything.

You really do need to talk to him and set some deadlines for things to change.

Exactly what Dozer said. Exactly.

Oh, and tell him to stick his unwanted gifts up his arse.

Echoing everyone else, get some help! Even just for a couple of hours a week maybe? You can put an ad on childcare.co.uk explaining what you need. I think a nanny or mothers help would make a massive difference.

If I could wave a magic wand for you OP I would get your children sleep trained. Sadly, it is wildly unfashionable and looked down on currently, but some still do it. Just getting more sleep is an urgent need, and there is NOTHING wrong (in my mind) with teaching your offspring to sleep properly - we teach them how to potty train, use cutlery, read etc etc.
I have no doubt that you are depressed, but it sounds reactive - entirely due to your situation. If things were different you'd have the chance of feeling better.
So circumstances need to change, otherwise you will be on the antidepressants your GP will doubtless give you for evermore.
Personally, I suggest you start by addressing the sleep issue.
Then move on to the DH........

It's not ok for him to have a time consuming hobby when you've not been able to have a full night's sleep since 2010. I'm livid on your behalf, OP.

What do you think he would say if you decided you wanted to take up a time consuming hobby of your own?

Why is it your job to coordinate childcare around work?

No you are not ungrateful. Even with a supportive partner, many of us have experienced depression in similar circumstances as you. You are expected to do all this with an emotionally, sexually and physically unavailable 'partner'.

You are lonely, exhausted, anxious and sleep-deprived. No wonder you feel as you do.

I would go to the GP, but also signal to your partner that you are close to the end of your tether. I would not marry this man under these circumstances. It's unacceptable

You need childcare urgently.

You need equal leisure time.

You need sleep.

Why not tell your dp that you are going for a lie down right now? Ask not to be disturbed.

Consider a sleep consultant?

Money can solve so many problems

OP, this is no way to live. You NEED some sleep. You NEED some free time. Your life sounds absolutely terrible at the moment, and it's no wonder you are feeling so down - anyone would feel down, with what you have to put up with.

Sorry to be so frank, but really, why are you considering marrying this man, when your relationship with him is so lacking? His behaviour sounds awful.

I also think your first step should be to get help with the children, a cleaner and time to yourself.

Sadly, If you are depressed then justifying this to yourself, never mind your partner will be difficult because guilt and feelings of failure may kick in. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM.

I echo what the previous posters say, buy in some help. A little bit goes a long way; a cleaner for a couple of hours and a nanny. I went back to work 3 days initially and hired a nanny so the dcs could be in their home with their things. It really doesn't matter if you're not making a profit.

Hmmm if money no object why did you have to give up a job you loved due to childcare? You are in a precarious position and you need to have an honest chat with him about how you are feeling. I don’t think your life sounds lovely at all and you have every right to feel overwhelmed

op,your dp must make changes,you cannot continue like this it is way too much.
You,as you said,don't want or need these expensive gifts,it's almost as if they are his way of offloading his guilt for leaving you alone so much to cope.
Perhaps show him this thread and the support people you don't know want to offer you.
Are you happy that your dp is the one for you?
Could you put your three dc into a play group for a few hours to give you a break or get an at pair?that would give you some relief and a bit of company if they lived in.

I'd be flipping my lid by now. Or booking a few nights on the coast in a b&b for just me!!!! Wouldn't tell him, just go! Text him from the beach! See how he manages

You sound like you have depression -I had it myself after dc2. My DH was working away a lot and doing the local community hero stuff when he was home. I ended up in hospital and he ended up with 6 weeks of doing all the childcare and housework. Yours is going to end up in the same position if you aren't careful.

I would strongly recommend you get a night nanny to sort out the sleeping and give you a chance to get a decent night's sleep. At the same time tell your DH that you need childcare so that you can get a break - if he says it is too expensive tell him to give up his hobbies to finance it/do it himself. If you end up ill he'll not have the time for anything.

Take care. for you

You’re not ungrateful OP. You sound understandably knackered and a bit broken.

Don't marry him. If you were my friend, what would I say if a mutual friend asked whether I thought you should marry him?

I'd say he was vain and selfish. That he works hard, but that lots of people work hard whether they have families or not, and that he can only do his job because Sparkly does everything else. He buys her expensive needless presents to make her feel that she has a lot to be grateful for - most specifically him! He doesn't give her his time or attention, or spend money on practical things that would actually help her.

Despite also having a child with special needs he has a really time consuming hobby and a big charity project. But he won't give them up because they mean more to him than helping Sparkly out. They don't have a sex life, and Sparkly doesn't feel she can discuss things with him. So, as he's selfish, unkind, mean spirited and only sees life from his point of view, I can't see why Sparkly would marry him.

Buy in some help. When you have a babysitter go out with a friend, not him. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him what you need, and see what he's going to do about it. Give him a time limit. If he won't do it, then you need to decide what you want to do. You have as much right to say what happens in your life as he does in his. The difference is he's lying on his entitled arse watching a film, you're tiptoeing around the house trying not to cry. I'm furious on your behalf OP.

I’m a SAHM and we put our youngest when he turned 2 in nursery for 2 afternoons a week and it has made such a huge difference to my mental health.

Just having those few hours a week break from 3 very full on children gives me time to recharge my batteries.

Would you tell a friend who recounted the above to you that they were depressed? I think not.
Book yourself a weekend away no kids no OH. Two nights to just sleep eat walk and read.
Then step back a bit from the grieving relatives and manage your grief before you step back into theirs.

You do sound depressed Op. The crying etc sounds very familiar to me, you’re at the end of your rope.
I’ve been in a very similar situation and not sure if it’s the same for you but you feel you have to be a martyr and put up with anything just because you don’t struggle financially. Raising children is very hard and can be isolating and soul destroying without proper support and a life of your own to delve into.
My dh is similar in that he spends lots of time at work and again you feel you ‘cant’ complain because he’s not down the pub!
What I did to help was to take some time for myself: can you book on a course that interests you (with dh or babysitter to have dc)?
Also I second the suggestion of going away for a day and or night so that dh can see what a load you’ve got on. And a gp visit: anti ds can help you see your options more clearly. Good luck.

I agree with the suggestion to have some help with the childcare, OP. My DDs are a handful, oldest one has attachment issues as a result of her adoption, I've had to cope with violent meltdowns at times. We've had an au pair for the last few months and it's worked really well. She's a 19 year old French girl (friend of a friend, not through an agency in our case) and she's had the opportunity to improve her English, and I'm having much needed help with the DDs and the housework.

You clearly have the means. It would just give you some breathing space, and could make all the difference.

Your DP needs to step up as well, though. He needs to prioritise you and your DCs over his 'vanity project'. My DH has a hobby he loves, steam train enthusiast. He's put it on the back burner since we adopted our DDs, goes off very occasionally to visit model railways, but mostly settles for taking our DDs on the steam train.

It's all about priorities.

if moneys ok what about a nanny/homehelp to assist you for a few hours on your days off?
I know I would if I could.

You're not depressed, you're unhappy and no wonder. You don't need happy pills you need your OH to step up. Start with organising a regular nursery place for the 1 year old - let the big charitable man pay. He can also look at altering his work pattern so he's there for you to get a night out.

You ok OP? x