To wonder if anyone has built a cooperative household

[Justanotherzombie]

It’s on here and in real life all the time. Mums treated like slaves to everyone else. I was terrible myself and as a teen would actively sabotage my mums request for help like an entitled brat. I don’t want this style of house in future. My DH is well meaning but works 24/7 so we've fallen into the traditional roles. I’ve 4 small kids so they are very labour intensive at the moment but I really want to train them up to be functioning members of the family. AIBU to think nobody has managed to create a family environment where all members see their own responsibility to running the daily life of the family?

What I’m trying to do with the kids now is teach them to do things independently, even if they make a mess. Then they have to clean the mess they make themselves. Also, I try not to do everything for them so even though it’s easier to pick up their coat, I call them back and interrupt them to do it themselves. I also try to talk them through and get them to explain to me the steps needed at various points in the day where they have responsibility to do things so that they can start to think for themselves.

It feels like a relentless task and it’s so much easier to do things myself but I’d be shooting myself in the foot. Has anyone achieved a cooperative house with children that pitch in without being told? How did you do it? I had a friend when little and always noticed how cooperative and respectful they were in their house where I expected my mum to do everything.

I don't have answers re dc but surely the main person to generate a cooperative relationship is your dp? I imagine it would be hard to encourage children to participate in housework if they are seeing a parent not fully participate?

Watching with interest OP. I feel like the slave and I’d love to know how to break the cycle, requests to my children to do chores are largely met with sighs or arguing that it’s not their turn. They’ll sort their own stuff out when asked (and they will have to be asked!) but if it’s a task for everyone it’s met with indignation.

Maybe a rota on the fridge is the way to go, then it’s in writing rather than coming directly from me iyswim.

You're doing exactly the right thing.
You are making your kids aware if how they are impactibg on their environment and picking up after themselves will become second nature to them.
It's much harder to get a sense if entitlement out of a 10 year old, than to bring up a child with a modicum.of responsibility.

Not with a DP.

I as widowed and had to work, usually on Min wage, so often long hours. I put it to my Girls that i either spent time doing housework, or we all pitched in and we had time for movie nights and days out.

There were rules about always leaving the living room clutter free. I didn't have ornaments and had good storage systems. Money was tight, so we didn't have an abundance of stuff.

I babysit my GD a lot and i do the same rules, such as clearing away one thing to start another. Teaching her that to set up a craft means that we tidy something else. Washing goes in a basket etc. I've invested in the Ikea kallax system in my spare bedroom and the boxes out of it come downstairs and get packed away again (which I did with my children).

There's a plus side to always knowing where something will be and being able to keep it 'nice'. I just taught that the more organised you are the more free time you have, to do fun stuff.

Your DH would have to be fully onboard.

It's much harder to get a sense if entitlement out of a 10 year old, than to bring up a child with a modicum.of responsibility
^^ this

I am trying to get my kids to start chores but I left it so late. If a 6 year old "helps" do the dishwasher every night, then it's a small leap to it being their responsibility aged 9. However starting this regime in double digits is hard (bitter experience..)

My DH is 50/50 by the way so I am not convinced that it is key to this discussion.

I should have said that my GC is three, this started from around two. luckily she likes to scrub things, so would happily get involved with scrubbing the craft table etc.

She just views it as that's what you do. children mirror our behaviour.

It's a bigger issue than getting chores done though.
If you treat your children with respect and teach them to do that to others in their lives then it's a relatively small step to get them to respect their surroundings and to see the need to pitch in with maintaining them.
That, plus bribery when needed of course.

Ish. Its been more successful with the kids than the ex, and I totally agree with It's much harder to get a sense of entitlement out of a 10 year old, than to bring up a child with a modicum.of responsibility.

Its the sense of entitlement that's poisonous to family life imo.

I'm a single parent so it's just me and DC but I have always had the philosophy that everyone in my household should contribute equally to any tasks that they are capable of doing. I was also very keen to raise the DC with a sense that household chores weren't my responsibility - that we all live in the house and therefore we all have to pull together to get the chores done.

Since my children have been tiny they have been expected to take do any jobs that they were physically capable of. They are now secondary school and late primary school age and I can't think of any job that I do around the house that they don't (except paying bills). They can all cook a meal, do laundry, hoover, dust, clean the bathroom.... and they do regularly. Occasionally they gripe and moan about it but not very often.

It stuns me when I see friends' DC of a similar age and they do next to nothing around the house while mum (and it is usually mum and not dad) runs round after them while simultaneously moaning that the kids do nothing. Some of my friends have been shocked at the idea that (for example) an 8 year old is capable of using the hoover and would be expected to do so

My older dc are 8 and 10.

They're generally very well behaved, great in school, very intelligent, hard workers etc - all round good eggs mainly.

They're more than happy to help and genuinely do a good job...so I'll ask them to clear the table or go tidy their room or hoover upstairs and they go do it, willingly and to a good standard. No whinging or arguements.

But my God, it's impossible to get them to do some basic things off their own back. They'll leave their plates at the table and wander away...it only needs a 'don't forget your plates boys' and I'll get a 'sorry mum' and they'll instantly clear them. They get up in the morning, leave their blinds and curtains shut. They let their electric toothbrushes run out of charge even though the battery is right there. They know they have to do 15 minutes of instrument practice a day but need telling to start it. They'll sit on a Sunday morning and watch the clock tick well past breakfast time...a quick 'breakfast time lads' reminder and they're up and making toast (and offering to do so for me and dh too).

So they do things, they do a fair amount of chores actually, and do them very well. BUT it's so frustrating, all this micro managing of them constantly. More so ds1 who is 10. If we don't remind, it won't get done. I've tried lists, not reminding them so they encounter the consequences etc but to no avail. And NO idea if this is their age, their personalities, or how to fix it.

My DH is onboard but just not actually present much! When he’s there he’ll empty the dishwasher, tidy bits, dress the kids, take out bin etc. without me having to manage him. He also doesn’t leave his stuff sitting around the house for me to clear but naturally has less need for a tidy tidy house compared to me. That’s a natural personality difference we both try to meet in the middle on.

I want the kids to take pride in their surroundings and responsibility for them. My mum taught me everything I needed to know but I didn’t use those skills till I had my own home! I never helped her really. I have been reading a book about how to raise children to be indepemdent and responsible and it really rings true to me. The first thing is praising simple positive steps they take rather than pointing out what they haven’t done. The second is getting them to run through the steps for various things themselves at a separate time so it’s like second nature when they’re faced with a task. I’m finding these two things helpful but they are still so little. I’m also trying to refuse to go to them when they yell for me. It’s so easy to stop what I’m doing and bloody go to them like I’m at their beck and call! But they need to come to me (unless their head is stuck or something). I’m run ragged with a 6, 3, 2 and newborn. And the constant calling and needs is killing my ability to keep my cool/get things done and therefore spend quality time with them. I always underestimate what they can do or don’t let them do stuff for fear of more mess and time used, but that has to stop. Taking time to let them learn how to do their own cereal, find their own clothes, etc. Is an investment.

It's a tricky one because, for example, most teenagers are inherently lazy and selfish. Not in a bad way as such, they can just find it hard to see past the end of their own concerns. Obviously some of you will have angelic teens and I congratulate you, but for most of us they are a tricky bunch to handle,

That said, we have 3 teenagers in the house and I became seriously ill about 18 months ago so was (and still am) unable to do much in the way of household chores. DH works full time and has very limited skills in the cleaning department, so the teenagers have had to pitch in. It's not done very well if it's done by the boys and generally a request or reminder is needed (although one son unloaded the supermarket shop this morning without being asked) but mostly they do what is asked of them without too much moodiness. DD18 has an allowance based on particular chores and she is very good I must say.

In our case it came down to a frank and honest family talk about how we are a team and I am unable to do the jobs that I used to do so others have to because we love each other and that's what we do for people we love. Jobs need doing, if I can't do them and Dad isn't here or is busy doing other things then they must contribute. Not negotiable.

It's not perfect by any means, but we're still rolling along with the wheels just about still attached so far. I can hear one of the boys unloading the dishwasher as I type - he's very good and will always check if that needs doing while he's waiting for a cup of tea to mash and just get on with it. We're lucky, they're good kids.

I see your children are much younger. I think showing them how to do certain things, such as get their own cereal and clear it up can be a good start. Younger ones love to be given a bit of responsibility and be treated like a grown up. So your 6 year old could be responsible for getting breakfast for younger siblings and feel pride in that.

Pick your battles carefully, don't ask too much in one go. Add new tasks once others have been mastered, it's a project, but I reckon it's doable,

My children have got themselves dressed for school, got own breakfast, made own packed lunches etc since primary school. I could never understand families where Mum does all of that when children are perfectly capable.

I am a single parent so no extra adult in the house but my children (8 and 6) do loads around the house mostly without being asked now. They make beds, open blinds, put clothes away, tidy, do basic cleaning, sort out basic food/snacks for themselves, load/empty dishwasher and sort/put laundry on. It’s not really something I’ve deliberately tried to achieve but I think because I’m on my own they feel a bit more responsible for helping me out and we feel like a team of 3 equals rather than me running round after them. It works both ways though, I try to model the same respect back to them and it feels like we work well together.
So it’s not something that I’ve consciously done but I think if you set a few things that they need to do every day like make beds in the morning and open their curtains/blinds and just ask them every day, eventually they will hopefully start doing it on their own!

Which book is it op? I’ve been thinking exactly the same myself recently. It’s hard to transition from doing everything for them as babies to them independently doing things! I’m a bit rubbish myself st tidying so I want them to be better than me

Mine are responsible for keeping their rooms tidy and clean, making beds, pulling curtains, clean up after themselves, put their clothes in the laundry. They can cook basic meals and make a cup of tea.

The 10 year old will also clean a bathroom, unpack the dishwasher and tidy downstairs and vacuum when asked.

I did lots and lots of housework as a child compared to my friends. I'm a bit sad that I didn't get that free childhood so I'm not wanting my own dc to do much more at the moment.

They both put laundry away. So actually they do more than I thought!

@Haggisfish, it’s ‘Happier, easier, calmer parenting’.

Tbh I don’t think kids will ever “take pride in their surroundings”. They generally either like tidiness and order or don’t care.

As kids from about 8 we had a written rota for chores. It worked fine. In fact we used a written chore rota in my first student house too (7 housemates!).

Probably best to pick battles though. Personally I don’t care about bed making Judy now as none of us use our rooms in the daytime. But once the kids start wanting their friends upstairs then I’ll say they only can if the beds are made.
Playroom gets a proper tidy on a Sunday night but rest of the week games and things can stay set up. I used to want it cleared every evening but have decided life is too short.

Both DH and I work FT. We have a very clear expectation that the DC take part in household tasks. Our nanny is there for childcare not cleaning and we expect dirty dishes in the sink but the table cleared.

If your OH isn't on board you are in for a rough ride.

"They let their electric toothbrushes run out of charge even though the battery is right there. "

?? Aren't you supposed to let things run out of charge before you charge them up again? That's how I do it with mine anyway.

Making tidying part of the routine helps here. For example- loading the dishwasher after each meal or snack or tidying the bedroom floor while sibling is doing their teeth.

I find it necessary to write down and allocate chores to the kids or they end up complaining that their siblings ones are easier. When allocating, it helps if the chore fits who makes that mess so the Lego fan in the house picks up Lego, the child who goes through 3 outfits a day picks up their socks and clothes.

I have teens and the only jobs that they don't have to do is scrub loo and pay bills.

Making tidying part of the routine helps here. For example- loading the dishwasher after each meal or snack or tidying the bedroom floor while sibling is doing their teeth.

I find it necessary to write down and allocate chores to the kids or they end up complaining that their siblings ones are easier. When allocating, it helps if the chore fits who makes that mess so the Lego fan in the house picks up Lego, the child who goes through 3 outfits a day picks up their socks and clothes.

I have teens and the only jobs that they don't have to do is scrub loo and pay bills.

We have the Melissa and Doug chore chart. The chores on there include tidy up and put dishes away. It's brilliant and super easy. They are only expected to do 2-3 chores for treats but don't get their treat until everyone has completed their assigned chores. Mini marshmallows are a firm fav reward.

Pretty co-operative here. 9,12,12,13. On days when I work we are all out 7-7 and when we get home everyone has to hit the floor running. Dogs to walk, farm animals to feed, supper to cook, table to lay, washing to sort, dry, fold. I divvy up chores on the commute home and everyone does there bit.

I'm home a lot more than DH so do the background stuff but everyone's on the same team. This coming week I'm abroad and he and the kids are doing it alone. It should work out. Poor man is also having the new kitchen delivered while I'm away.