To ask how you stopped the anger

[ChikiTIKI]

About anything really. I just don't want to feel like this any more.

I (stupidly) watched some of one born every minute yesterday and was left feeling so angry. It seems when other people are in labour they have staff talking to them the whole time explaining what's going on and asking them how they're feeling.

Towards the end of my labour and for the whole pushing and delivery stages nobody had any conversations with me. No progress updates after examinations. No updates on conversations with doctor outside the room. No comments on my birth plan. No warning they might do instrumental delivery. No discussion about it. No attempt to gain consent. No words spoken to me by the doctor before ventouse placed on the baby's head. Not even looking at my face. No explanation. No discussion afterwards. No explanation why. No explanation of my injuries.

I have read my notes. It was not an emergency situation. No distress in the baby. Just my pushing did nothing.

I was treated like a worthless piece of shit and now that's exactly how I feel. Sorry I don't usually swear but I am so pissed off and upset.

I'm sure that sadly worse things have happened to most people, not just to do with childbirth. Has anyone else out there just felt so annoyed about how they were treated by other people, and how did you get rid of the feelings of anger?

Gosh! Not acceptable at all What country are you in? I wasn't particularly happy with my birthing experience but it was nothing like this!

Have you searched Birth Trauma Association?

Maybe they can put you in touch with people who you can talk it through with.

for you. It’s rotten when you have been let down.

England.

Episiotomy with no warning too. No mention of it at all. Just hacked at my bits with the scissors! :(

I’d say that birth is a very particular set of circumstances, one that can make you feel uniquely powerless. (I’m referring to your last sentence in which you ask for other stories of feeling badly treated.)

Focus on your birth story. Others on here will have bad ones too. It sounds very unfair, the way you were treated - was it recent? Where? Have you made a complaint? Sought therapy? Written your experience down, as much as you can remember?

Hope you start to feel better soon, therapy would help.

You are right to be frustrated, but think of it this way, you have a healthy baby. You are ok despite injuries. You are also full or raging hormones when you are postpartum. They should’ve have communicated better, but somethings they can’t fix. It’s not an indictment of what they think of you as a person. Do you think you may be projecting a lot of other issues at this?

I get that it was bad, and I’m not excusing them, but you need to stop dwelling on this. Use it as a learning experience of how you would like to be treated next time.

You do sound incredibly embittered and angry. Bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It only hurts you.

Hi sorry to hear your going through this. Please stop minimisingvyour feelings. Yes some people might have had worse experiences and others better but what matters is how your birth affected you. You could try for a birth debrief to go through your notes and have what happened explained to you by writing to the hospital. I lived with PTSD after a teaumatic birth and following few weeks. I think the birth trauma association say around 200000 women are living with PTSD after child birth (notexthis is entirely different to the more publicised pnd). Many women who do suffer from PTSD talk about feelings of a lack of control and consent and not understanding what is happening to them at a very vulnerable time. Please have a look at the birth trauma association website and maybe join their Facebook page (closed group) if you feel it would be helpful. Cbt is often the preferred therapy to overcome those feelings if you think therapy would be useful for you. Emdr is also being increasing used so you might want to look into those.

Yes, what others have said good luck and take care

I can relate as my midwife left me alone for my whole labour and told me that it would take hours. In fact ds was born relatively quickly (induced) and I was so scared (as was dh as it looked for a while that he was going to be born with no help). At the beginning of my labour (before she left) my waters broke and they were really dark. I told her I had meconium in my water. She sighed and said no, it was a bowel movement. I KNEW it wasn't and she just acted like she was disgusted. I was really worried as I knew that ds might need help breathing if he aspirated meconium (and in fact he did).This added to my stress of being left alone. She also was so dismissive when I told her I thought I had broken my coccyx and said I was just complaining and had no pain threshold. (I had broken it as I found out when I went for an x-ray after leaving hospital). The attitude she had towards me was dismissive at best and aggressive at worst. I really couldn't understand it. I completely understand how your treatment makes you feel angry.

What can you do about it? I asked to see my hospital notes and wanted to talk about it with the head midwife. When I got my notes they were basically a pack of lies - according to her she was always there, nothing about my coccyx or when she got my induction medicine wrong (picked up by a dr at the time luckily). In the end I dropped it was looking like it would be my word against hers. With time (and a more successful birth) I moved on. I hope you can too.

Oh and ignore the urge to punch anyone who says “ you have a healthy baby that’s all that matters”. Actually no it’s not and possibly the worst thing you can say as you are effectively saying people’s feelings that range from mild upset to repeated suicidal thoughts that have resulted from the trauma don’t matter.

I had a traumatic experience with my first and had no explanation at all. It wasn't until 13yr later when I was expecting no 2 that they said I could have counselling. The hospital gave me a leaflet (Addenbrookes cambridge) with the special after birth counselling service. Maybe your hospital has something similar?

I found time and talking reduced my pain and anguish, I no longer feel anything other than grateful that it turned out ok. For perspective, I had a room full of midwives manipulating on both sides externally shouting in my face and telling me to stop, a third midwife was trying to turn the baby internally. I was in horrific pain but I am able to rationalise now that they were human, they were frightened and were panicking for me and the baby.

You don't know what that midwife was going thru, but I would suspect the midwives would have left me and my baby, gone to the next mum somewhat traumatised by what could have been, they wouldn't have been at their best and that will be someone who, justifiably, feels like you do. I hope you are able to move beyond the anger, hurt soon and start looking forward xxx

I haven't watched OBEM since I had my first. I don't think it's suitable viewing for me anymore!

I'm sorry about what happened to you.

Ive written it all down, complained, seen my notes which are also full of lies, detailing conversations that never happened, saying I gave consent when I did not... I am waiting to hear what the response is and was told I would hear this week but I haven't.

I know being angry just makes it worse for me. I just don't want to think about it any more but I can't stop thinking about it. Starting CBT on Monday. I wanted EMDR but i can't get that. Only CBT available apparently. Definitely got PTSD.

I feel extremely angry with my xH and how he has behaved since we split. I feel angry with a family and social care that let him do that. How to deal with it - I don’t know, it weighs me down, as I just wish none of it had ever happened, and that I did not have to deal with it.

What you are describing is horrific, and I wonder if you have raised a formal complaint. I think the advice to contact the Birth Trauma Association is good and see what they say too.

My first labour was awful for a number of reasons and for some weeks, I had flashbacks every time I tried to sleep, but it was not invasive in the way you describe and the midwife who came on in the morning was excellent with me till DC was delivered. My second labour - my pushing was not achieving anything, the midwife put her hand on baby’s head so I could feel her hand and told me to push on her hand. She delivered the baby in about ten minutes. What did the staff do to help you?

Giving birth you are vulnerable and relying on others around to support you, especially if it is your first. I am very sorry this was your experience, and I do think a formal complaint should be made, if only so procedures are investigated and improved.

Sorry, x-post as I went to get coffee in the middle of posting it. I hope you get a satisfactory response to your complaint.

ChikiTIKI

Your anger is justified my dear. Sounds like the HCP have failed you. Be angry, try and process it, write it down, speak about it here, try and deal with the trauma.

I would sue for this.

Katara- I'm sorry about your EXH.

I have complained but not formally. I think I need to though.

The staff didn't do anything to help me. I lost a lot of blood and nobody answered my questions while it was happening. I thought I might die. Something in the notes indicates the midwife tried guided pushing but she didn't speak to me about what she was doing, I had no idea, thought it was just an examination. You can't do guided pushing without a discussion so I don't know why she did that.

Was anyone with you during the birth? DH told me afterwards when we were talking about it how scared he was when they said the baby’s heart was slowing & we need to get her out quickly. I don’t remember that at all I literally don’t remember anyone saying anything - I was out of it, and I hadn’t even had any drugs.

I’m not saying I don’t believe you! But what was the experience of the person with you? They can help you write it all down. It sounds like you were treated terribly.

My husband was there and remembers it all exactly the same as me.

That is really not on. My experience as a contrast - so you know there was no excuse for this. I hope it doesn't upset you further

I've had two ventouse births in fetal distress situations - the first time was at the end of a marathon labour and I can't remember but I'm sure I was told - the second time, although it was all a huge rush and this was happening half an hour after my arrival at hospital, I remember very clearly the lovely doctor saying 'we're going to do a ventouse now, you can help, we'll tell you when to push'. I also remember her delighted face as my baby came. It doesn't take much to be basically human, not even as a jaded, busy doctor. The reason I'm sure I was told the first time despite not remembering is because I did not come away feeling traumatised and disregarded. The bit I remember is the doctor congratulating me on my baby boy as he came out, and if they had time for that I'm sure they had time for the very basic stuff, like, you know, letting the patient know what is going on.

Can you take things higher if the outcome of your complaint isn't satisfactory? I would be wary IIWY of letting your anger be invalidated as after all you and baby are OK. The way you were treated wasn't good enough. It sounds very much as if you were treated as an object, and that makes your anger an assertion of the fact that you are human and that it wasn't good enough. You definitely need to be able to talk this through with someone who will validate it.

OP I am sorry you had such a terrible experience. Yes, anger eats you up, but it will also give you the motivation to persist with your complaint and accessing the right treatment for you.

It seems to me that you are trying to deal with seeking justice/an apology/acknowledgment that you were poorly treated (which may never come) at the same time as dealing with the PTSD itself. A satisfactory resolution of the former may help with the latter, but it may not remove it. I think you have two parallel projects on the go here.

Could you affort private counselling/psychotherapy with someone who specialises in PTSD? Depending on where you live you’re looking at £35-55 per session, but it may be worth scrimping for. I personally found CBT unhelpful (totally different situation to yours) because it didn’t allow me to explore the issues, just focussed on techniques, whereas my psychotherapist worked with me and was worth every penny and more.

Oh, and don’t waste any of your anger/strength on the ignorant people who tell you to just get over it. Well yes, of course that’s exactly what you’d like to do, and it’s why you’re here trying to find out how.

💐 for you. You deserve to be cared for, and to be able to enjoy your baby, without all this.

I’ve just seen the update that your DH was there and has the same recollections as you. This is important and very useful. Can he help you with a formal complaint? Is he supporting you overall? Is he OK?

(My experience of post traumatic stress resulted from my DH’s major surgery and the subsequent complications, even though we had no complaints. He was mentally fine - go figure )

If you need help with starting the process of a formal complaint contact your hospital’s PALS.

It all sounds very scary, and the lack of communication really did not help. Did you lose the blood as a result of the interventions? (I presume so, because if you were already haemorrhaging, then it would make sense to get baby out, but it sounds like that was not the case).

The only time I have had a medical staff do tests and things without explaining what he was doing was when I was in hospital with a suspected ectopic. He did not speak to me at all, just did an internal and lots of swabs. It was totally de-humanising.

Guided pushing won’t work without communication- how can it?

Definitely write a formal complaint, they will have to investigate it and it means at least your experiences are recorded. What does your birth partner say? Although he will likely feel bad that all this happened and he did not challenge it, one tends to trust medical professionals and it is hard to speak up and go ‘what on earth are you doing and why?’

Another x-post, sorry