To ask how you stopped the anger

[ChikiTIKI]

About anything really. I just don't want to feel like this any more.

I (stupidly) watched some of one born every minute yesterday and was left feeling so angry. It seems when other people are in labour they have staff talking to them the whole time explaining what's going on and asking them how they're feeling.

Towards the end of my labour and for the whole pushing and delivery stages nobody had any conversations with me. No progress updates after examinations. No updates on conversations with doctor outside the room. No comments on my birth plan. No warning they might do instrumental delivery. No discussion about it. No attempt to gain consent. No words spoken to me by the doctor before ventouse placed on the baby's head. Not even looking at my face. No explanation. No discussion afterwards. No explanation why. No explanation of my injuries.

I have read my notes. It was not an emergency situation. No distress in the baby. Just my pushing did nothing.

I was treated like a worthless piece of shit and now that's exactly how I feel. Sorry I don't usually swear but I am so pissed off and upset.

I'm sure that sadly worse things have happened to most people, not just to do with childbirth. Has anyone else out there just felt so annoyed about how they were treated by other people, and how did you get rid of the feelings of anger?

Yanbu! Do complain and seek help, the birth trauma association are very supportive.
My eldest is now 16. Very occasionally the RAGE can still sneak up on me, usually in the shower, and I find myself looking in the mirror having the conversations I wish I’d had. I also fantasise about tracking down the midwife responsible and branding her in some way, so she can no longer go through life masquerading as a caring person. BITCH! In 3 inch letters across her forehead would do. I did at least get her stopped from practicing. (Through appropriate channels as i’ve a feeling I’ll have made people wonder.)
These feelings have become less intense over time. Not being silenced and getting support in subsequent pregnancies was a big part of my own recovery. I don’t claim to have all the answers, or to be completely there. I don’t trust health care professionals, always have a chaperone at appointments, don’t engage with anything preventative and only go when desperate, but I’m not consumed by it, or terrified any more.
It does get better and, on balance, the babies are worth it😆
Good luck OP, it does matter and there is help out there.

My experience wasn't as bad as yours, but I'm remember being in labour and I couldn't have an epidural because apparently I wasn't in 'established labour'... but I was in pain for hours. About 16 hours by this point.

I would her examined and told there was little progress. When the midwife left the room after one examination I had a look at my notes. She'd written that I was coping well with the pain.

I was furious.I was in agony close to tears with contractions and she said I was coping. I pressed the emergency buzzer and when she came in. I said the pain was too much and I wanted an epidural... she said .. let's see how far you've gone before getting the Anaesthetist. She checks me and guess what... she sees the head and it's time for me to start pushing.

It all happened so fast...but I just think they didn't want me to have an epidural....for whatever reason. Maybe financial.

I had one with my first pregnancy and it was brilliant in taking all the pain of contractions away.

Luckily my baby was born fine...no tears...I had no pain relief at all. The gas and air was useless. First time I tried it ...It made me feel sick. Then the midwife was saying (When I got on the ward) " well done..you dud it it with no pain relief" like it was a great achievement. My aim was to have my baby with as little pain as possible...not to be a martyr and endure the pain.
I think subconsciously...this is also why it was my last baby. I know I say it's because DH wasn't hands on enough...which is true ...but the pain was excruciating and I didn't want to go through it again.

My anger didn't last long, but in that moment reading the notes I was very angry. How dare she say I was coping with the pain and I must have been in established labour at the last examination and could have had the epidural.

Still can't believe I swore... Sorry everyone :(

Feeling a bit less angry now. Went to church and the vicar was talking about why bad things happen to good people. I missed the ending though because my baby needed me in the crèche!! :) I will have to look that one up later...! :)

You really don’t need to apologise. Everyone needs a good swear once in a while. 🙂

Glad you’re feeling brighter.

I read my notes after dc1. I was aggressive towards staff, apparently.

Being left for 12 hours after a c section with no pain relief will do that to a person. No mention of why I got arsey though or How many times i had begged them to bring me my meds. They were too busy to bring round the med trolley. No one else in my ward had had a section so needed pain relief for an eight inch hole in their abdomen.

I was so screwed up about the whole thing, when I was pregnant with dc2 and facing section number two, I went to see the two main men to talk about it, my fear of repetition and got a plan together to make sure it never happened again and it didn't. I was in control of my pain relief. they gave me the pills and the instructions as if i had been discharged. So glad i was able to talk about it to someone. Wish I had known about that organisation.

Gosh I'm so sorry that happened to you with the pain relief. That's great that they sorted it out the next time. Or let you sort it out yourself, rather!

I am so worried about next time already and we are nowhere near thinking about another pregnancy. When I had the feedback meeting I said I wanted a letter from a consultant advising a c section next time because I won't cope being pregnant and not knowing what will happen. She was very enthusiastic in agreement with me, said she will definitely ask and might need a letter from my GP about my mental health but might not and she would let me know. 2 weeks later I asked if she needed anything from me for this and she said they wouldn't plan my mode of delivery until I was pregnant again, but she assured me I would be involved in the discussions... I reminded her of what she agreed to and she is apparently going to ask a consultant. I am not feeling optimistic at all about her caring about this! She obviously wasn't really that enthusiastic or understanding if she totally forgot about it.

I hope if I am ever pregnant again, the staff are kind to me in helping me plan the birth.

Hello OP
I am still angry and my experiences were not as bad as yours in that they had my consent.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a piece of meat and fucking useless though.
Venting on here helped a lot. I did not feel any urge to push with mine and thought it was just me, until I heard from similar on here.
dc1 ventouse and episiotomy
Nearly 8 years between children and even then dc2 and 3 were unplanned (don't ask!). dc2 ventouse again dc3 natural birth with no pain relief as I still felt the first two interventions were my fault
Big mistake. Huge.
DO ABSOLUTELY TRY FOR AN ELECTIVE if you do have another.
I am totally with you on that one and wish I had fought my corner.
thinking of you

P.S. I had the post-consult as at some point I said I had felt violated.
They do not always bring closure as you know.
I had some internal scar tissue. Ended up being referred to a psych at one point - fortunately he said he could see exactly why I was depressed.
I read a lot, any literature about births I could get my hands on - not very useful but I just didn't want to feel alone in how I was feeling. I also had long periods of abstinence and thankfully a very patient partner.
You ultimately get on with life - kids, job etc but that experience does change you as a person ime and my only advice would be to talk about it as often as you need to with anyone who gets it. Feel free to pm me anytime. x

Thank you YaBasic, you're very kind.

Yes I don't think I will ever be the same again. Bit of a shame because I liked who I was before! Should have heard responses last week after staff involved had been talked to. Hopefully I will hear this week. Not sure what their opinions on the matter will do for me though. Possibly nothing useful!

I remember shouting at the midwife ' I am not an animal, stop treating me like one'. Husband told me to behave myself. I was sick of being poked and prodded with no one telling me what was happening or even asking. The consultant arrived and said why hasn't she been given pain relief. It was a mess and DH was crap at being my advocate. I couldn't dilate past 4-5cm, nothing was working and it all went on for too long. Finally had an emergency c section. I did deliver abroad so that didn't help but still. So I hear you OP. Get all the help you need now.

Don’t know if different regions are harder than others, but I thought elective c sections were completely down to mothers choice these days. You may need to jump through extra hoops, but I don’t think they can say ‘no’ if that’s what you really want.

CitySnicker I think you're right in that I would be able to have a c section anyway but my concern is that I don't want to wait until something like 36 weeks in to pregnancy for it to be agreed. That would be torture for me.

I know a letter written now is just an opinion and would need to be looked at and weighed up along with whatever situation I am in when pregnant again but having that letter would make me feel better I think.

Also because I plan to give birth in a different hospital in the future. My hope is that the letter will mean I don't have to jump through as many hoops. I would find it very stressful.

But yes I see what you're saying, ultimately I could survive without this letter. I would have a c section but would need to do a bit more to get it maybe.