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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about part time working once kids are older?

61 replies

firstworldproblems2018 · 07/04/2018 22:35

What do you think? Scenario:

Male partner works FT earning good money, really enjoys his job. Long hours so doesn’t see DC much in the week but does see them lots at the weekend.

Female partner works PT earning much less, (and would never earn even 1/2 male partner’s salary even if FT) enabling her to look after 2 primary school age children after school/take to after school activities, do household admin/chores/shopping/cooking etc (although has a cleaner x 1 a week) etc etc.

Would it BU to ‘expect’ female partner to go back to work FT after children reach a certain age? If so, why? Or why not?

Just curious as it’s a debate going on in my family.

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/04/2018 23:30

And yes teens need someone around. It's not the hands off, care free time that some people imagine!

MuddlingMackem · 07/04/2018 23:49

I would agree that it's definitely better to have a PT parent if it's financially manageable. We currently have one FT and one PT. However, our ideal in a few years as the kids are getting older is for both of us to be able to work 25 or so hours so that we will be available for our parents as they are getting older, as well as the kids.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/04/2018 23:53

Do whatever you feel comfortable with. I regret not taking my career more seriously as it was practically dead by the time I got divorced. I will never recover from that and regret not being able to provide for DS as I would have had if I had continued working.

Having said that, I’m working full time and I would love to work 4 days a week instead, just not to get so rushed during the week.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 08/04/2018 00:31

We both went part time when I went back after maternity leave, 4 days a week each when the kids were in nursery and then 3 long days and 2 short days (but the same total hours) when the eldest went to school. We both upped our hours a bit (me first) as the children got more independent, but both found it hard even though it was literally 3 more hours a week.

We've vaguely talked about going full time again but, as others have said, even though our two are now teenagers, I think I'd still like someone to be home pretty much when they are, to be around for them, they still need us (in a different way to when they were small). I don't think either of us would really have a problem if the other were to choose to go FT, or stay PT, we're doing OK money wise. Don't think I've been very helpful, but just another experience, do what feels right for your family.

Blizzardagain · 08/04/2018 00:40

I would up my hours, it's important to me to be contributing to my pension and PT hours just wouldn't cut it, unless we were incredibly weathly and I already had a guaranteed income for my retirement days that didn't include relying on my OH.

I can dream

BackforGood · 08/04/2018 00:50

It has been whilst my dc are teens, that it has been most important for me to have some time, and some flexibility to be around for them some more.
When they are little, they are quite happy with the childminder and / or Out of School Club. Once they get to secondary, they don't have that, and the fact I was able to be at home some days when they got in / needed to tell me something / needed to talk about something has been invaluable.

Also, it really is none of anyone else's business if it works for both halves of the partnership.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 08/04/2018 01:12

I never understand these posts. Your life. Dh and I discussed me working more hours when dc3 started school. No one else had any input??

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 08/04/2018 09:47

This is a little way off for us but currently dh works full time in a very pressurised job and I am back working 3 days a week after maternity leave. We were discussing how things may pan out over the next few years as even 3 days is a juggle at the moment with nursery, preschool and school drop offs and pick ups to conted with. we're thinking I'll stick with these hours permanently as it will get a bit easier as the dcs get a bit older in terms of logistics for school, but not necessarily for after school clubs etc (though obviously circumstances change and my employer is clear they would have me full time at the drop of a hat if i wanted more hours). If the balance is right for your family, it really shouldn't be anyone else's business.

MrsTylerJoseph · 08/04/2018 10:03

Well secondary school age kids need just as much running about to after school stuff, friends houses, etc. Still benefit from someone to talk to about a shit day, etc.

Guess it depends how much the extra income is needed.

Plus is the male partner happy to do 50% of chores....so come home and cook dinner, sort dishwasher, etc. Spend weekends cleaning and ironing?

TrippingTheVelvet · 08/04/2018 10:08

I would get rid of the cleaner first if it's a finance issue.

Namelessnumbertwo · 08/04/2018 10:08

If you and your family are happy with your arrangement then keep it as it is.

Doesn't seem worth working FT for not much money if it could disturb the balance you have at home with regards to running the home. If it meant you would double your household income that would be a different story (if it were me)

gamerwidow · 08/04/2018 10:17

I work pt at the moment while Dd is at primary school. I don't know whether I'll increase to full time when she's older. I probably should to maximise my earnings before I retire and pay more into my pension but I like only working 3 days a week. I actually earn more than my partner working 3 days than he earns working full time so it's not like I'm not contributing to the finances. Our mortgage will be paid off in 12 years too so it's not like I have that as an incentive to work more either. I think what i might do is increase to 4 days and see if my DH can decrease to 4 days if he wants then we get the same amount of downtime.

mogloveseggs · 08/04/2018 10:21

Just asked dh and he said it’s entirely up to me and to do what I’m comfortable with. I currently work between 24 and 45 hours a week depending on time of year.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 08/04/2018 10:28

This thread could have been written by my OH. Apparently my only worth is valued by how much I earn.

MaisyPops · 08/04/2018 10:34

There's no 'expect'. It's what works for your situation assuming nobody ends up feeling resentful. Do what suits you as a family.

YABU to class 'household admin' as a reason to need to be at home though. It's paying bills and usual stuff that everyone does regardless of what hours they work.(sorry off topic, I've only ever hear 'household admin' on MN usually when SAHP or part time workers list off how busy they are)

swingofthings · 08/04/2018 10:40

Why would they expect it? Maybe they don't fully understand your position or think that you are not financially comfortable. I don't get why they would think you should work FT if you and your OH are happy with the situation. Or is it because you've studied for a career you've given up?

In any case, who cares what others think!

Oldraver · 08/04/2018 10:42

I recently went back to work when DS went to secondary. I had wanted to find part time work but instead found something that is temporary a few months on then a few months off. It works for me as it's an easy job.

OH though he works fulltime, does 4 on 4 off and is at home when DS comes out of school. So he is able to do more than his share.

He would of been quite happy though if I was part time

Unfinishedkitchen · 08/04/2018 10:44

From personal experience and also knowing what my peers got up to, I think it’s more beneficial to work FT when they’re younger and go PT when they are older teens. I don’t recall my mum being around to sing ‘the Wheels on the bus’ at pre-school, she may have been there, I just don’t recall. It was when I was about 13-18 when I needed my parents to be closer to what was going on. This involved everything from GCSE pressure to older boys trying to shag me and friends encouraging me to smoke and take Es.

My mum worked PT and my dad just a little over school hours in my late teens and although they weren’t aware of everything going on they were around enough to have an idea of anything bad was going on.

They’d worked longer hours when we were younger and had paid off their mortgage by the time I was in Year 9(ish) so could both drop a gear. I also needed my dad probably even more than my mum then too as he was more pragmatic than mum.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2018 10:50

I worked 2.5 until the kids were mid teens. Then a couple of years ago I went up to 4 days and that is where I am staying even though they are grown up now.

We earn similar money but my job is inflexible so having a set day off every week to sort errands/ admin/ some of the housework is required for us. DH is self employed so long hours but flexible for last minute hpuse related or personal stuff/ help for the kids

You do what works fpr the family and what you can manage financially, surely ?

Sammy901 · 08/04/2018 11:00

Think could be me and my OH. Him FT, me PT.

Both our kids are now primary school age.

I’m not going back or upping my hours anytime soon, but our son does have a disability so needs extra help.

With school you still have inset days, sickness and 12 weeks of holidays to cover. It’s hard if both parents work ft but not impossible. It’s easier if one or both can work pt

Also this.

Scabetty · 08/04/2018 11:04

I work full time term time only. I have secondary aged children.

TheHulksPurplePants · 08/04/2018 11:07

I suppose it depends what you want out of a career? If you're happy working PT and have no desire to move beyond that, than no harm staying PT.

BerriesandLeaves · 08/04/2018 11:30

Op didn't say she needs to work part time to do household admin. She said she looks after 2 primary school age children after school/take to after school activities, do household admin/chores/shopping/cooking etc which presumably her dh doesn't do.

Arapaima · 08/04/2018 11:50

The situation in the OP is exactly what DH and I have (except we have three DC age between 8 and 12). It's perfect for us.

If I went back to work the DC would have to be in childcare before school and after school from 8am to 6pm five days a week. This way I can pick them up from school three days a week (I work 0.5 FTE) and take them to after school activities.

That's the main reason for our set up - the fact that I get a couple of days free while the DC are at school to sort out admin stuff is an added bonus

IfNot · 08/04/2018 12:10

Well secondary school age kids need just as much running about to after school stuff, friends houses, etc
Not in our case, it depends where you live. I do very little ferrying.
I think the ideal is always gonna be what a pp has - 4 days each (if there are two of you). That way no one is stuck doing all the drudge work, and neither of you are potentially shafted pension -wise.

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