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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think contributing towards a house is more sensible than for a wedding?

26 replies

goinggoinggonegirl · 07/04/2018 15:06

Fully prepared to be flamed here as it involves my parents money.

My brother (1 year older) is getting married in two years. He and his partner are low earners but have planned a 40k wedding. They are mostly using loans to pay but my parents are making a 5k contribution.

I am single and realistically don't see myself ever getting married. I'm financially independent. Am currently selling and buying a house but the house I'm buying has just been undervalued by 8K. The vendors have agreed to meet me in the middle but I can't find another 4k on top of my current deposit.

Today I asked my parents if they would be willing to lend the half of the money (2k) but they said they would not, as they are paying towards my brothers wedding. They said that if I was getting married they could find the money for me but helpfully pointed out that I am not! When I said this was unfair they said I just need to wait until I get married.

I don't see myself getting married. I'm almost 30, haven't had a serious relationship for a few years. I like being single and am not sure if marriage is what I want. I'm a commitment-phobe and to be honest see marriage as an endurance test. I also see little point blowing a load of money on one day.

AIBU to think that if you're going to give your children money, giving it for a house is more sensible than for a wedding?

OP posts:
Thelampshadelady · 07/04/2018 15:07

Yanbu but it’s your parents money and they can choose to do as they please with it.

PercyPigAddict · 07/04/2018 15:08

Your brother is nuts to spend that much on a wedding - he'd still be nuts if he was a high earner but taking out loans for a wedding is beyond insane! And your parents are being very unfair but it doesn't sound as if there's much you can do about it. Could you maybe borrow a few hundred off various friend to make up the £2k?

PercyPigAddict · 07/04/2018 15:09

Or could you maybe ask for an "advance" on your hypothetical wedding money? Smile

Atticusss · 07/04/2018 15:11

I completely agree with you, very cruel and stupid attitude from your parents. But what can you do? Sad

LifeBeginsAtGin · 07/04/2018 15:12

We will help our DDs with getting on the housing ladder, but they'll have to fund their own weddings.

Your DP's are nuts. I hope your DB doesn't get divorced 2 years later!!

Bearsinmotion · 07/04/2018 15:13

I completely agree! When I was pregnant with DD my dad took me to one side and said if DP and I wanted to get married, he and DM had some money put aside. I said it was a lovely thought, but if he had the money I would rather put it towards a deposit. Luckily DM agreed and that’s what we did. 6 years on we are still not married but own a lovely family home and security. Much more important IMO!

flowery · 07/04/2018 15:15

YANBU but probably not a lot you can do about it.

GreatThingsWork · 07/04/2018 15:15

Ask for the 2k to put towards your wedding and then 'borrow' it from yourself.

nordicflamingo · 07/04/2018 15:17

YANBU, what a shame - 40k could get you a one bed flat up here too!

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/04/2018 15:18

It depends - they may well see weddings as a 'community/family' event that they are obliged to help host. eg on the recent 'children at weddings' threads, loads of people commented about it being the only times that all the family gets together and sees the family children. I have heard other parents of brides/grooms comment that they have enjoyed family get togethers at weddings/christenings, so saw their child's wedding as "their turn to host".

As such, they see an obligation for their child to have a certain type and size of wedding, and to pay towards it if they have been to other people's children's weddings.

But they dont' see it as an obligation to fund your house move/purchase. That if they give you this money now, they will still want all the extended family invited if you get married, so they've taken their turn in 'hosting', and can see they would end up paying out twice.

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/04/2018 15:23

But more importantly, you are currently 29 and "can't see yourself ever getting married"?! That's rather depressing.

This is not the regency period, woman are not 'on the shelf' if unmarried by mid-20s.

I'm nearly 40, many of my friends who are married and have DCs had not met their now husbands before they turned 30.

You might not ever want the 'big' wedding day, but it doesn't follow that because you've not met your life partner by 30, you never will.

MallorieArcher · 07/04/2018 15:27

Pretend you are marrying your new house?

Seriously though, that is deeply unfair but unfortunately it is their money so they can do what they want. It's a shame that what they want is to waste it instead of helping an investment but that's how it goes.

Tink2007 · 07/04/2018 15:29

YANBU and I would be upset by that attitude but it’s their money (unfortunately).

But your brother spending £40k on a wedding is crazy!

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 07/04/2018 15:32

Such over the top £40k weddings make it harder for people to leave unhappy/abusive marriages.

Merryoldgoat · 07/04/2018 15:41

I can’t get past £40k on a wedding, esp when one is a low earner.

OP, Yanbu.

My PIL always said they’d never fund a wedding (not that we asked) but they gave us the deposit for our first flat. Way better use of the money and I’ll be forever grateful to them.

Original poster
goinggoinggonegirl · 07/04/2018 15:58

Coffee no I don't see myself getting married... And I feel like that's quite irrelevant to the scenario anyway. I don't think I should feel pressure to get married to get the monetary reward!

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 07/04/2018 17:55

No op - you see the money being spent on your brother and that it would be fair to have a similar amount spent on you - but for something you want.

However, you need to think that perhaps your parents don't see the money as being spent on your brother, but on hosting the wider family (assume a £40k wedding is inviting all the family). This is their share of the costs of hosting an event they feel partially responsible for.

So if you were getting married, they would help host the wider family, but see buying a house as something that's just for you, not for the whole family, and not something that is their responsibility to fund.

(In a similar way, that if your db was having a small wedding overseas and not inviting everyone, they might not be prepared to offer any money)

Original poster
goinggoinggonegirl · 07/04/2018 18:06

My parents aren't having any involvement in planning the wedding by the way - my brother just told them the cost and they said they would contribute. The whole idea of hosting 'family' is quite romanticised in this case. I would say at max there will be 10 relatives from my brothers side there and we are not a close family at all.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 07/04/2018 18:15

That level of spending on a wedding is, in my view, madness. Even if it is regarded as a community event, that level of spending, especially funded by loans, on a celebration rather than an investment in a house is to mind madness. Sorry, OP.

When I first bought myself a house, they offered to buy fridge/freezer/washer/dryer since they never expected me to get married. When i did, finally (sic.) they paid for the reception and reminded me i had already had the Kitchen goods. Way beyond what I expected...

soulrider · 07/04/2018 18:21

My parents are thankfully on the same wavelength as me with regards to considering weddings a waste of money so gave me a choice of money towards a house deposit or towards a wedding. I chose the house deposit.

BasilTheCat · 07/04/2018 18:28

40k on a wedding when they aren't high earners Shock

I agree with you and think your parents are being a bit mean, surely if they are going to give you £5k eventually it makes sense to help you a bit now and have less for the (possible) wedding.

Babdoc · 07/04/2018 18:28

Regardless of what the money is for, surely any decent parent would spend equal amounts on each child? I would never waste money on a stupid wedding (my own cost £13, just a licence and 2 witnesses), but I’m giving my two DDs equal mortgage deposits to get on the housing ladder. Similarly, any inheritance from elderly relatives is split fairly between them.
How can the OP’s parents justify spending on their son but not their daughter? They will cause resentment and possibly a family rift.

snewsname · 07/04/2018 18:32

Another who will help dc with house deposits. They can fund their own weddings if they want a fancy one.

Newbieuser1880 · 07/04/2018 19:03

Are you close to your brother? Could you discuss with him and see if he can approach your parents to support giving you the same.

I get some points on your parents seeing it as hosting the family but you could overcome that with a house warming party if required.

You could also try explaining how you feel about getting married yourself but say if it did happen and they had given you the money for the house then you would not expect anything for the wedding.

Hard one as it is their money however it does seem unfair.

Newbieuser1880 · 07/04/2018 19:05

Coffeeorsleep-the poster didn’t ask opinions on how they feel towards being married and I think the depressing comment is rather judgemental and uncalled for.

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