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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave grumpy teen at home when I go on holiday?

35 replies

Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2018 14:46

I know I probably ABU and slightly crazy.

Just been away for a few days with dd’s, I am a single parent and my dd’s Have Aspergers. Dd1 spent most of the week refusing to take part in anything, refusing to get out of the car, refusing to step foot on a beach or walk more than a few yds. She spent a lot of time glued to her phone texting her boyfriend telling him what a rubbish time she was having. Because she refused to do anything her sister also wouldn’t do anything. She was selfish and moody all week.

We have another break booked for the summer holidays and I’m actually tempted not to take her but I have no family that would have her stay with them and her dad hasn’t got space for her. The only option would be for her dad to stay at my house but he would be at work all day so she would be on her own.

Dd is 14, she shows no excitement about going away, prefers to be at home doing nothing.

AIBU to consider leaving her behind?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/04/2018 14:47

YANBU to leave her behind no, but she can't really stay on her own. You say her Dad hasn't got space for her but presumably he has a couch she could sleep on for a week?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2018 14:51

Her dad is in a b&b at the moment so no couch. My mum lives near by and would probably pop in during the day. I did drop hints to my mum about leaving her with her but it didn’t go down too well. Dd doesn’t like not being at home so won’t want to stay with anyone (other than her dad if it was possible).

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2018 14:52

The other option is that I take her with us but let her stay in the the caravan alone whilst I do things with dd2. At least at this place we will have WiFi so she will be happier.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/04/2018 14:52

Can't she stay at the B and B with her dad?

Ubercornsdiscoball · 07/04/2018 14:54

Limit phone use? From
Now so it’s not such a shock? She’s 14.

AlonsoTigerHeart · 07/04/2018 14:55

Is it even legal to leave a 14 year old for a week?

EweDoEwe · 07/04/2018 14:57

Selfish and moody teenagers don’t get to have a phone in my house.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2018 14:58

Her dads not allowed to have guests at the b&b, he’s in a tiny room. He has got a partner (they don’t live together) and there’s a chance dd could stay there, I will ask him.

She only uses the phone in the car, at home she is glued to a laptop (not always online), I try to limit it and I do drag her out places but she makes everyone miserable when I do this. She has some mobility issues but has been told exercise will improve this but she refuses 99% of the time.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 07/04/2018 14:59

Tempting as it is, you can’t leave a 14 year old home alone for a week. Especially not one with Aspergers (if she’s anything like mine, poor risk assessment skills).
You don’t have to take her if she’d prefer to stay home, but you’ll need someone to stay with her.
Could her dad stay at yours for the week? Or your mum?

jay55 · 07/04/2018 14:59

Could her dad stay at yours with her while you’re gone?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2018 15:00

Alonso I don’t think so, she would have her dad here at night so wouldn’t really be left for a week (it’s 4 nights). I leave her during the day during the holidays when dd2 wants to do something.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 07/04/2018 15:00

Of course you can’t keave a 14 year old alone. You need to adjust your holiday plans to suit your dc , not the other way round.

SluttyButty · 07/04/2018 15:01

My DS is almost 13 and he's a nightmare to get out of the house unless it's on his terms. I wouldn't leave him home alone because I'd come back to find the house trashed and furious neighbours from his shouting into PlayStation headphones because he wouldn't cope.

I'd also not leave him in the caravan either, I've decided I'm not wasting money on a holiday this year where I'll come back even more stressed.

SluttyButty · 07/04/2018 15:01

I forgot to put, he's ASD too.

TonTonMacoute · 07/04/2018 15:02

So long as her dad is there in the evenings and nights, I don’t see a problem, with her being at home alone during the day. It sounds ideal, especially if all she wants to do is stay at home doing nothing.

God knows, you sound like you deserve a proper holiday. A moody DS really spoiled a couple of our holidays at that age, although thankfully he grew out of it.

cardibach · 07/04/2018 15:03

NC and jay the OP says In her OP that the Dad can stay at hers but will be at work all day! It’s a short thread, should be easy to read it all, but at least read the OP!

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2018 15:03

So I can’t go on holiday? Dd2 misses out because her sister is moody?
I have asked dd1 where she would like to go and what she would like to do, I can’t afford to take her to new York or to see the northern lights (which is her choice of holiday).

I’m not leaving her on her own, her dad would stay or she would go and stay at his girlfriends house (she doesn’t work and is home all day).

OP posts:
Ubercornsdiscoball · 07/04/2018 15:06

I would be limiting phone and laptop. Regardless of how moody she gets. It’s not good for any child to always be on electronic devices. Ask her and involve her in the holiday plans.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2018 15:07

Thanks Tonton ,I struggle with both of them by myself, I would love a holiday where I didn’t have to argue with dd1 all week, she’s not just a grumpy teen, she struggles a lot with anxiety and going away often makes her anxiety worse. I will talk to dd and see if she actually wants to go, if she does want to go then she needs to except that we won’t be ‘doing nothing’ all week. If she decides she doesn’t want to go then I will discus it with her dad. She has never stayed with her dad, he doesn’t ever have them overnight.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 07/04/2018 15:14

I think your title is a bit misleading because if her dads stays then it’s only during the day she’d be alone.. and whilst that isn’t something I’d personally be happy with (with a child of 14 myself and a son aged 6 with asd - so I do get the autism element too!) it’s no different to what a lot of working parents do with teens during the holidays.

I definitely wouldn’t leave her completely on her own though, as in all day and all night. That’s too much at that age.

Also, what kind of support does she have for her asd? The behaviour you’ve described sounds like she is really struggling with anxiety and sensory issues. What kind of help / support has she had for those?

BennyTheBall · 07/04/2018 15:24

Part of the joy of parenthood is that you have to have at least one holiday with a stroppy, teenage ingrate.

She is far too young to leave. You can only hope she'll be a bit nicer by the summer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2018 15:24

I’d get her dad to stay with her. Can he take any days off as well and do stuff together? Even if it’s gaming or maybe even cooking together or something? Perhaps he could encourage her out on a walk.

Does he ever take the kids away? Or have 1-2-1 time with them?

TheJoyOfSox · 07/04/2018 15:24

I wouldn’t leave a 14 yo home alone, I’d be restricting her phone time. Tell her she won’t be allowed her phone in the daytime on holiday, she might earn it back for the evenings if she is nice to her sibling.
It’s not always easy to be a parent, but sometimes you just have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do some parenting. Just dumping her seems a a cop out.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 07/04/2018 15:29

I'd suggest discussing the possibility with her dad before you ask her. Letting her think she could stay home and then maybe it's not an option for her dad certainly won't help the situation.

If it's the case that either she goes with you or you and dd2 miss the holiday then imo she goes. At 14 she'll be fine to stay in the caravan for a few hours while the two of you go out and you may find after a day or two she decides she's bored and will accompany you after all.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2018 15:30

Benny sadly it’s not just one holiday, she’s been like this for years, we go away once or twice a year, we only had one that was reasonably ok and that was when we took dsd with us (they could go off together), now dsd is older and doesn’t come with us.

Mummy, no, he never takes them away, her anxiety around going away stems from him, he ruined several family holidays when dd1 was tiny. He sees them for a few hours once a week, that involves them tagging along whilst he takes his girlfriend food shopping (she doesn’t drive), they often sit in the car whilst she goes shopping and in return he buys them fish and chips Sad. I take them out a lot, during the summer holidays we do a lot of day trips but dd1 often ruins them by moaning or refusing to take part, it has been like this for years, I keep trying with her, I let her chose places to go but nine times out of ten she’s ends up moaning or crying.

Her sister is more severely autistic (can’t leave her at all) but up until recently she has been the outgoing one, now she just follows her sister, so if dd1 says she’s not doing something dd2 won’t either Sad

OP posts:
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