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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Vaping....

48 replies

Traceclip · 07/04/2018 09:24

My first AIBU so I’m prepared to be told I’m unreasonable but I really am not sure if I am? I’m two weeks off baby number 2 and I’ve just had it out with DH about his Vaping habit. To be fair he smoked a lot prior to DC1 and then replaced it with the vape which was always meant to be temporary. The problem is, I HATE it. He doesn’t smoke inside but he does every time he heads outside to sort out animals etc. His car stinks of the disgusting sweet synthetic smell and when he comes back in at night after walking the dogs I can smell it everywhere. I’m still not convinced they are safe and the smell makes me feel sick. He’s now acting like a massive man child, surly and sulking because I’ve had it out and said he stops this weekend or I’m taking a hammer to the damm thing. He’s had MONTHS to quit but made no effort to. I get that it’s hard to stop but the deal was he tried!!

OP posts:
DewDropsonKittens · 07/04/2018 09:26

Yabu for your aggression he isn't doing it in the house.

Have you asked him to change the liquid?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/04/2018 09:30

He’s had MONTHS to quit but made no effort to. I get that it’s hard to stop but the deal was he tried!! Erm! He has quit smoking. He has made an effort and he has exchanged cigarettes for a far more safe, and cheap, alternative.

YANBU for not liking the smell, but YABVU for adding pressure based on your opinion about the safety of vaping. If I were your DH I would probably tell you to fuck off, you're not the boss of me and you don't get to dictate what I do with my life. Work with him, don't be so controlling!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/04/2018 09:33

I meant to add, celebrate the changes he HAS made. It isn't easy to do! Believe me! 20 years I have spent working with the NHS Smoking Cessation team. Vaping is like a magic bullet for a lot of people.

And the science behind it is becoming more solid, it is far, far safer than smoking, for everyone.

Llanali · 07/04/2018 09:35

Issuing ultimatums and threats in a relationship rarely ends well.

I agree with @CuriousaboutSamphire

He’s quit smoking. He doesn’t vape in the house. Are you generally controlling of his every move? Are you sure you don’t have habits that irritate him but he keeps quiet about?

strawberrysparkle · 07/04/2018 09:36

It's safer than smoking but it's still disgusting. I read someone describe it as an 'adult dummy' on here before and I love that description!

Original poster
Traceclip · 07/04/2018 09:40

No I’m not controlling - we’ve been together over 15 years and I’m pretty relaxed, he has a fairly easy time of it really but this is something I feel strongly about. I get that it is great that he quit smoking (over four years ago) but surely at nine months pregnant with the deal he stopped before baby was born i’m allowed an opinion on him stopping?! Sorry but I HATE it and it’s the one bugbear in our marriage. And I DO have safety concerns and perhaps my pregnancy anxiety has contributed to it (previous stillborn) and I can assure you even if I took the blooming thing up to the workshop with a hammer we would still be married, he would sulk a lot though. And that’s what I feel like doing at the moment!

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 07/04/2018 09:43

I get that you're heavily pregnant an' all, but have a read back of your OP and see if you think you sound like a decent, rational person.

Threatening to smash up your partners property because you don't personally like the smell of it? That's abusive.

Have a word with yourself. Vaping is more akin to a plug-in air freshener in health terms than smoking btw.

MissYeti · 07/04/2018 09:47

I can understand your concern (my DP smokes) but really vaping is a vast improvement on smoking! If he's vaping outside then that's fine, if he's vaping in places where you'll be and the smell really bothers you ask him to try different flavours. Adding extra pressure to quit completely when you're about to give birth isnt going to help him with his stress levels and you may find it has the opposite effect to what you want

SaucyJane · 07/04/2018 09:49

God I hate it too. Even the bloody disgusting bubbling noise it makes.

I am glad DP doesn’t smoke any more - in fact that would have been a deal breaker for me when we met - but I wish to god he’d give up the vape now that we have twin DC. If it’s subsequently proven to be harmful, and he’s been bubbling away around our kids... AngryAngryAngry

It’s the cause of a few arguments between us. So IMOYANBU.

SaucyJane · 07/04/2018 09:49

Er, two DC. Definitely not twins!!

Also, hello SaucyJack Grin

waterlego6064 · 07/04/2018 09:50

I think the risk to you and your baby from the smell of vape liquids is absolutely minimal and far less dangerous than car exhaust fumes which you will be exposed to every time you are outside anywhere near a road.

You mention a ‘deal’. Had he previously said he would stop vaping before the baby arrived?

Slarti · 07/04/2018 09:53

He’s now acting like a massive man child, surly and sulking because I’ve had it out and said he stops this weekend or I’m taking a hammer to the damm thing.

He's acting like a child? How would it make you feel if your DH told you what you could and couldn't do and threatened to smash something of yours with a hammer? Hmm

Kittykatmacbill · 07/04/2018 09:55

I am with you op. No help at all. They do stink, I am properly Hmm over anyone who says they don’t smell.

Also they don’t need to be safety checked, so could burst into flames and there are no long term studies to prove they are safe to use as they haven’t been around along, but initial studies are encouraging www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/science/2018/jan/29/vaping-may-raise-cancer-and-heart-disease-risk-study-suggests

numptynuts · 07/04/2018 09:56

Bit unreasonable OP. Cut him some slack. Vaping is hard to give up too.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/04/2018 09:59

Very unreasonable OP. He's an adult and can choose to vape if he wishes to. Be thankful he's still not smoking then you would have something to be angry about.

FittonTower · 07/04/2018 10:08

He's not doing it in the house, i don't really see what the issue is?

hereyougosuckmyassforensics · 07/04/2018 10:08

It's the lesser of two evils. Quitting smoking is damn hard and he's replaced it with something which currently has no known health risks (can only state what we currently know) whereas we know smoking definitely kills and is harmful to those around too. He isn't acting like a child, you are. Everyone needs a vice, there's nothing wrong with him vaping from a health or financial perspective and you need to leave him to it. He will resent you for this, how would you like being aggressively told what you can and can't do? If he doesn't like what you're watching on the TV does he threaten to take a hammer to it?

muttmad · 07/04/2018 10:10

When i was pregnant i was really sensitive to the smell e cigs gave off, it turned my stomach, now i cant really smell it most of the time, though i agree some liquids smell more than others! Can you ask him to swap brands to find one that doesn't cling to clothes etc? He actually sounds quite considerate, giving up smoking and only vaping outside so id cut him some slack! Hopefully once you've given birth the smell wont bother you as much.

Original poster
Traceclip · 07/04/2018 10:18

Waterlego yes indeed there was a deal-to quit before baby 2 arrived. Two weeks away and no closer which is why I’m cross today!

Ok so maybe I’m being unreasonable. There are MANY things I've accepted about our relationship-he works long hours in a hard industry (agricultural) so I will be alone with newborn and toddler from the word go. I guess I feel like I give up a huge amount (never begrudge the late nights on my own or the weekends totally on my own, it’s just the way it is and I knew that) so I feel like asking him to do this one thing is not unreasonable-but obviously it is! I can’t explain how much I hate it, yes he does only do it outside but I can’t stand going in his car which being the posher and newer of our cars is our main family car.

And yes I did threaten to smash it up with a hammer and no I most likely won’t, I’m really not controlling, just nine months pregnant and sick of the disgusting cherry smell!!!

OP posts:
Bambamber · 07/04/2018 10:24

Vaping can just be just as addictive as smoking. I started vaping to stop smoking cigarettes and then it took a long time to be able to stop vaping. Now I very rarely crave cigarettes, but often crave vaping.

Is he making any effort to cut it down, lowering the nicotine content at all? Would he compromise at all? I know some of the smells can be very sickly sweet, which will be even worse while you're pregnant. Would he consider changing flavours to something that you don't find as bad? Also does he have one of the ones that produces huge amounts of vapour? If so would he compromise and get a smaller one that doesn't produce so much as the smells may then be more subtle

SaucyJack · 07/04/2018 10:34

" I feel like asking him to do this one thing is not unreasonable"

It's not equivalent though. Presumably you have to look after the children on your own at weekends because he's working. He isn't leaving you to it and fucking off down the pub?

Trying to take his little crutch away just because you can is petty spite.

(And hello back other Saucy)

Slarti · 07/04/2018 10:45

he works long hours in a hard industry (agricultural) so I will be alone with newborn and toddler from the word go. I guess I feel like I give up a huge amount

Isn't working long hours in a hard industry giving up a huge amount? It's not like he's off having a laugh while you're at home grafting.

Sirzy · 07/04/2018 10:49

You do realise how hard it is to give up a substance you are addicted to? It’s not as simple as just stopping.

He doesn’t want to give up. He has agreed to not do it in the house but do you really want to be so controlling to stop him doing it out of the house too?

troodiedoo · 07/04/2018 10:51

I want to smash up people's vapes when I see them, yanbu. They look ridiculous and the synthetic sickly sweet smell is vile.

Think I prefer the days when people smelled of tobacco smoke.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/04/2018 10:51

YABU. If someone smashed my vape because they didn't like it I'd probably start smoking again!