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AIBU?

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Original poster

To "do" something about this? Affair?

33 replies

rockhardplaceornone · 07/04/2018 02:09

My Dad and step mum have been married for coming up 30 years. Step mum was OW. My Dad used to take me to meet her when i was in primary school, he was still with my mum and would tell me to keep it a secret.

It must've all came out at some point and he left my mum and set up with SM.

Over the years there have been various things that have made me suspicious he's not been faithful to my SM. There are (horrible) stories I've been told about what he got up to with other women when he was with my mum.

He doesn't have, and never has had, any male friends. It's always been new women friends. SM only has my dad's friends. Never any of her own so has always been these women friends.

I met his latest female friend lately and I'm sure he's having an affair with her. He recently went abroad with her for a long weekend. I know this sounds ridiculous as I write it. It's the same MO every few years with a new woman.

I feel like I should do something?? Does my step mum know and turn a blind eye? Or is she really that fucking stupid?

I really don't want to deal with the fall out if its true. Ffs he's approaching 70 now. Its the whole hiding in plain sight. I've spoken to my siblings about it but they don't want involved.

Thinking about what I've written I should keep well out but I'm disgusted by it. I tried to "catch" him out the other night for the first time and I pretty much did but that's why I'm thinking about it so much more.

It was so bloody obvious and embarrassing the way he was going on with her.

What should I do??

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 07/04/2018 02:12

If you are direct enough you can just call your dad on it without passing judgement. Firm, strong voice. See what he says.

I would protect yourself though OP. Can't have been nice for you as a child knowing what you did. That wasn't right. And you can't change others.

SmileyBird · 07/04/2018 02:14

He’s not going to change.

Original poster
rockhardplaceornone · 07/04/2018 02:21

I wish I didn't know.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 07/04/2018 02:49

Tell him not to involve you in his shenanigans as you consider it ...
In your own words. I wouldn't be party to it

Speedy85 · 07/04/2018 03:01

I would keep out. I don't see how getting involved could end well.

And, not wanting to be mean to your SM but if she was knowingly the OW then she should have know that there was a risk that he might do the same again to her.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2018 03:17

Stay out of it. Your father's marriage and his personal shenanigans are none of your business. I can't imagine how distressing and disappointing this all is, but you are powerless to change him, no matter what you do.

Bluetoo1 · 07/04/2018 06:39

Horrible man. SM probably knows. Leave it be imv. And keep away from him.

PopcornDawn · 07/04/2018 06:46

If your sm had no qualms about helping to break up your family years ago, why are you worried about what he's putting her through?
Serves her right if you ask me.

bluescreen · 07/04/2018 07:05

Nope. I understand your loyalty to your SM but please stay out of it. Nothing you can do will change your DF, and it will only cause grief all round. Knowledge of your DF's constant infidelity is just a burden you will have to bear.
Flowers for you., it must be hard.

Alwayswonderingwhere · 07/04/2018 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/04/2018 07:17

Maybe she’s ok with it? I’d encourage her to make some friends independently of him. She sounds pretty isolated.

Falmer · 07/04/2018 07:23

That was absolute shit of him, giving you that "secret" when you were a child. Same thing happened to me, but mother instead of father. A therapist once advised me to keep right out of it. Whatever he does has nothing to do with you, you are not responsible for your father or sm. They have to work it out for themselves, they are adults. If you are going to confront him with anything, tell him what a disgusting thing the "secret" was to give to a child, especially against your own dm. Flowers

Lethaldrizzle · 07/04/2018 07:35

I'm not sure why you'd try to protect the woman who had an affair with your dad whilst still married to your mum

pasturesgreen · 07/04/2018 07:39

I'm afraid your siblings are right. Leave him to it. I'd bet my last £ that your SM knows and is turning a blind eye.

3stonedown · 07/04/2018 07:57

My dad is the same and to be honest I don't have any sympathy for my stepmums as they both knew what type of man they were marrying. I have told him I think he is disgusting and I don't want to be involved in any way.

It is really sad, every man on his side of the family (grandfather, uncles etc) are all the same. It took me many years to realise not all men were like them.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 07/04/2018 07:59

They say when a man marries his mistress there is a new vacancy. She should know he is the type of man to cheat and not be so naive as to think she is ‘special’ and he won’t do it to her. It’s the character of the partner you have chosen. Not circumstances.

Lonecatwithkitten · 07/04/2018 08:08

My DD was 8 years old when my then DH involved her in this way. After we split he has done this at least twice more to her.
I am amazed you haven't pulled your Dad up on this at any point as at 13 DD decided she didn't want to be part of his 'secrets' any more and has not seen her Dad for 18 months now.

Original poster
rockhardplaceornone · 07/04/2018 08:19

It's a relief to read that I don't actually have to do anything. I hadn't thought of that! I just find it baffling and confusing really.

My older brother doesn't have much to do with him as he was always a bit hard on him but my sister is quite close to him as am I.

I'm terrified it all comes out and he and my step mum split up and I'm then supposed to be all nice to this new woman. They've been "friends" for maybe 3+ years I think. It makes me feel like a kid again!

OP posts:
Original poster
rockhardplaceornone · 07/04/2018 08:24

I don't think I've ever said anything to my dad about his affairs. He has a temper and i don't like being in the other end of it. He's unpredictable so I don't know which way it would go and i wonder what the point would be.

We had a very fiery relationship when I was growing up because I used to push his buttons and "fight" back whereas my siblings cowed down to him.

He is never in the wrong. And it's very difficult to question someone like that.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 07/04/2018 08:30

You actually never have to see your dad again if you don’t want to. If he shouts at you you could just leave, it sounds like that could be excellent assertiveness practice for you actually. You certainly don’t have to be nice to any new women , plenty of children say I don’t want to know her about their fathers new woman, and you’re an adult.

bonnyshide · 07/04/2018 08:31

You need to tell him to stop involving you in his affairs, I also can't believe after all these years you didn't call him out for making you 'keep his secret' as a little girl.

I don't care how bad his temper is...how dare he.

It is not fair that you have been put in this position of keeping secrets, it seems only you are able to put a stop to it.

As the OW herself, I don't think your SM deserves to be told, she knew what she was getting herself into.

Alwayswonderingwhere · 07/04/2018 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1486915549 · 07/04/2018 08:45

You don’t need to do anything at all .
Your SM knows he is a deceitful man who happily has affairs when he is married. She didn’t even mind involving his young child !
What goes around comes around.
She may know all about his other women.
There is nothing to stop you staying friends with her if the marriage breaks down.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2018 08:48

I just st wouldn’t bother. There would be no point!

I’d also say of course SM knows. She made her bed and she will need to lie in it. Doesn’t make it ok but still. It also sounds like she done your mum a favour!

sonjadog · 07/04/2018 08:55

After all these years and with so many different women, your SM almost certainly knows but either doesn't want to give up the life she has or just wants to pretend it isn´t happening. I doubt very much she will thank you for getting involved. Your father is also very unlikely after all these years to change his lifestyle so I wouldn't bother talking to him about it either. I think the best thing to do about it is nothing at all. I don't think your involvement will bring any good out of it.

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