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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start refusing to baby sit?

52 replies

PrettyLittIeThing · 06/04/2018 23:37

My sister has two kids and asks me to baby sit sometimes. The thing is the favour is never returned. Now before people say do I ask her well, it isn't actually a question of asking as every weekend she goes clubbing then likes to "rest on a sunday" (her words) and every school holiday she's off on holiday (is at the moment and it's her second holiday of the year) so there is never an opportunity. Now a few days ago I picked up some food that was part of a deal that me and my kids don't eat but came with what I bought anyway. So I messaged her and said "got some burgers for the kids as part of a deal I will stick them in the freezer and you can pick them up when your able to." She messaged back "oh good they can have them on Saturday when they come to yours" I was like Shock it's the half term, I don't get a break from my kids ever as their dad is absent, hers goes to their dad she gets lots of breaks. I don't begrudge her but she didn't even ask. I read it and didn't respond as I was annoyed and actually trying to think of what to say back to it, before I knew it she called and was speaking about something else then said "when they come round to yours on Saturday" I was just like okkkk by that point it felt to akward to say anything. Aibu to tell her that I won't be having them again? Or should I just say that she should help out more with mine? I know either way she will be offended.

OP posts:
Charliecatpaws · 06/04/2018 23:47

Next time she ‘asks’ you to babysit reply with ‘okay when are you having mine?’

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 06/04/2018 23:50

She’s your sister. If you can’t be direct with your family then you’re doomed to be a wet blanket forever.

Say you’ve been meaning to speak to her about the babysitting and that you can’t do it anymore. NOT - unless it’s reciprocated, because you know damn well she’ll get you to have them at the weekend and then fob you off all the time.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/04/2018 00:00

And the problem with her being offended is?

She is being bloody rude. You are the one who should be offended at that level of piss taking from your sister. Her turning herself into the woe is me injured party would make me livid.

Too late to cancel for tomorrow I suppose. Unless you get a surprise bout of D&V and have to cancel at the last minute. What a dreadful shame that would be.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 07/04/2018 00:04

You reply saying actually I have plans on Saturday and then you stop being so available to her.

CircleSquareCircleSquare · 07/04/2018 00:06

I feel like you need to be blunt, send a message back.

“We both know how hard single parenting can be. I have given you a lot of support over the years and I feel I have had little back. Unless we can find a way to sort our a more equal split with babysitting then I’m afraid you will need to find someone else to take your children. Please take my children from 9am until 5pm Saturday.”

If she quibbles, reply with “I love you and your children but you have taken advantage for too long. An equal split or nothing at all. I won’t be discussing this further.”

Show your children a good example here.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 07/04/2018 00:09

There is literally only one way this is getting fixed- speak up.

ZenNudist · 07/04/2018 00:14

I think yiu shoukd stand up to her but probably difficult to be direct. Just say "I was a bit taken aback by you telling me (not asking) that your kids were coming to mine on saturday. Thats not happening. I will have your dc again when you have had mine after x y and z times I've had your lately. Its getting very one sided im completely worn out and would really appreciate some family support after everything ive done for you."

Or how about "are you having a laugh? Definitely your turn to have my dc. Will drop them off at 9am. Cheers xx"

Poptart4 · 07/04/2018 00:15

She's taking advantage and she knows it. Why are you so worried about offending her when she has no problem walking all over you.

The fact that she didn't even ask you to babysit this time proves that she sees you as a walkover and takes you for granted.

People only treat you how you allow them to treat you. Time to grow a back bone and say no. And it's not too late to cancel tomorrow. She's only going on the piss, it's not a special occasion. Cancel and tell her you'll watch her kids when she starts returning the favour.

StillMe1 · 07/04/2018 00:21

it surprises me how many people don't seem to get the idea that they should return the favour by doing something for you.
They seem to be very grabby to me.

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 07/04/2018 00:21

Thanks for the comments. I actually thought people would think I was unreasonable for not wanting to help out. Last time I refused to have them (around 5 years ago yes that long!) I had taken them to the zoo with me and my kids on a Wednesday and by Saturday she was asking me to have them again so she could go clubbing. I said I couldn't as I was tired from having them a few days ago and they played up quite abit and also at the time I had a 2 year old and one year old. She told me I was only refusing to have them because I was jealous! That she has a life and gets to go out and I don't anymore. We ended up falling out for a while over it.

OP posts:
fuzzyduck33 · 07/04/2018 00:22

Talk to her, tell her you never get a break and is being a cheeky cow then explain that from now on a babysitting stint needs to be repaid (by return babysitting) before you'll do another. She sounds like she's a bit oblivious and needs a kick up the bum!

fuzzyduck33 · 07/04/2018 00:24

Sorry cross post, still talk to her and if she falls out with you then so be it.... she'll make up with you soon enough when she want to go clubbing Grin

GreenTulips · 07/04/2018 00:25

That she has a life and gets to go out and I don't anymore

Well she does cos she has a baby sitter

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 07/04/2018 00:30

She has various baby sitters tbh, her kids dad, her friend and the kids dads extended family. But they seem to prefer coming to mine as she actually said she asked them who they wanted to stay with and they said me. Hmm

OP posts:
colditz · 07/04/2018 00:37

Come on, tits of steel. Ring her and tell her, "you're babysitting the kids next weekend because it's your turn and I am going out."

Don't ask her, she doesn't bother asking you.

So you will either get yyour babysitter, or she will avoid the subject of babysitters entirely

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2018 00:40

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying the following: No. That doesn't work for me.

Repeat until you get the hang of it. Stop being a doormat for her to wipe her feet on.

lattewith3shotsplease · 07/04/2018 00:42

OP,
Your sister is taking the piss.

She chose to have children so she needs to stop fobbing them off on you,and be responsible.

You need to make a decision...be treated like a doormat, or stand up for your self ?

If one of my sisters treated me like this they'd no longer be in my life.
She sounds really spoilt.....you sound lovely though.

dinosaurkisses · 07/04/2018 00:42

Are you scared of falling out with her?

Your sister knows what she's doing- she's not assuming you're happy with the arrangement, she's assuming you won't pull her up on it.

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 07/04/2018 00:50

Yes I guess I am scared of falling out as I don't have any other family other than her (and my dad but I don't see much of him as he lives far.) I'm definitely going to put my foot down though as I've had enough. I have 4 kids of my own and I am exhausted. I'm dreading tomorrow as although they are nice kids I just don't need it. She wouldn't even need to have all 4 of mine even just sometimes taking the older two would help me out a lot.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 07/04/2018 00:51

Come on, OP!

She 'offends' you left, right and centre - who cares if you offend her once in a while?!

What's she going to do - stop talking to you? Stop sending the kids every Saturday...?

Result!

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/04/2018 00:53

Sorry - cross posted!

But I do think I you have to have a think about how she doesn't care about your feelings. Whereas you're being ultra considerate of hers. Thanks

Ladywillpower · 07/04/2018 00:55

Big girl pants on & no I have other plans. She is unlikely to fall out with you for long as she will be wanting you to babysit again!
You are going to have to blunt & forceful here as I doubt she understands subtle.

bobinks · 07/04/2018 01:04

I got into a similar situation with babysitting help. I didn't confront (it's just not my way) but decided to say no the next few times, and felt a lot better for it. You are being taken for granted. Assuming all the nephews/nieces get on, invite them around on your terms (and with their mum!).

Lollypop701 · 07/04/2018 01:10

Charliecatpaws
This!!!!!!

dinosaurkisses · 07/04/2018 01:11

Ah op Flowers

Message her and say something firm but reasonable.

"Wanted to follow up on what you said earlier- you mentioned me looking after your pair tomorrow, but never actually asked. I've already made plans to get my hair done/ take kids to a birthday party/ whatever, and I was a bit surprised that you'd assumed I'd take them without actually checking I was free

I don't mind taking them occasionally when you need a break, but i can't commit to every weekend like it has been more recently.

I'll keep the burgers in the freezer for you and you can pick them up next week xx"

Whatever you say to her, DO NOT say unfortunately or sorry. She's being a cheeky fucker!