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[guitarlady]

Long post ... grab a glass of wine or a cuppa ... I need some help to understand why I feel completely unreasonable about my ex AND about my current relationship.

I have a 6yr old DD with my ex and I am really struggling with the fact he is now playing happy familes with his girlfriend and her DD who is 9.

Backstory - we were together on and off for about 8 years. There are police records of domestic abuse that I logged with police for info but never had him charged with anything because I was scared of the fall-out. He was controlling & manipulative and I felt my life would be worse I took it further. I was completely in love with him - totally rose tinted specs! My friends and family hated him for what he put me through and the best thing I ever did was walking away... but it took me a very long time and I guess I always figured we'd end up together somehow anyway. That's the short version!

We split 2 years ago and in January he was arrested for growing cannabis. I reported him to the police because DD said she slept in Daddy's bed with him as Daddy was growing smelly trees in the bedrooms. I don't know what is happening with his case, he won't tell me and it looks like he will get away with it - including benefit fraud as it's been months now ....

Social services got involved from the police report - it is such a long story and I am trying to cut it down. Basically I was advised to stop contact between DD and my ex ... which I did until I heard from the social worker. Obvs the police removed the cannabis plants and as it was a pre-arranged visit from s/servs, his house was squeaky clean and he'd set up a bedroom for her.

s/worker advised my ex wasn't taking the cannabis seriously and was trying to pass it off as medical use. The report lists him as responsible for child neglect and drug misuse in reference to DD, and domestic violence towards me. Social services obvs have access to the police database and it lists a few incidents between 2013 and now. The report also states that he and I need to come to an arrangement to re-establish contact with DD again.

Let it be said as soon as I heard verbally from the s/worker - without waiting for the printed report, I reinstated contact based on our prev arrangement where he has her 2 nights a week.

In the meantime, 4 months ago I met a lovely man - he is a few years older than me (not a problem) and treats me like a queen! He has met all of my kids including my older teenagers from my prev marriage. My friends and family all think he is great and see how happy I've been since I met him. He has introduced me to all of his friends and I've met 2/3 of his kids. I only haven't met the 3rd one yet because of circumstances.

New guy has anxiety issues which I wasn't aware of when we first met and he has some really annoying quirks ... like finger pointing, saying things like "bovvered" instead of bothered and "wevver" instead of weather etc. His pronunciation drives me nuts. I was brought up to pronounce things properly because my mum grew up in a family where everyone dropped their H's and never pronounced things, so she was determined to do something with her life and not be like her siblings.

He also seems completely infatuated with me - almost too much in love with me after such a short time. If I cancel a date because I'm not feeling well or I just want an evening to myself, he turns up on the doorstep shaking due to his anxiety. If he says I love you, he will look at me and wait expectantly for me to say it back. He is also a complete child ... he came with me to take DD for a trip to the zoo and he got himself stuck inside a tunnel where the sign clearly said for up to 6 year olds. I was so embarrassed ...

I almost feel like I have the bum end of the deal. My ex is dating this woman who I have a feeling he cheated on me with anyway, my DD adores the OW's DD and as far as I'm aware he hasn't really had her by himself, it's always with this OW since I reinstated contact... meanwhile I have this lovely new guy who would do anything for me, but I look at him and just think ... well, I'm not sure.

It drives me nuts to think about my DD and her new friend playing happy families while I ... well I don't know. I kinda feel like my ex has the better deal after getting away with SO MUCH for so many years and now he's the one sitting there in this great new relationship playing happy families while my DP has SO MANY annoying quirks - he is a noisy eater, he ends up with food on his face after eating, the whole not pronouncing things properly ... the crying on my doorstep if I say I want some space, he points his fingers in a weird way, the acting like a child .... and yes, I've talked to him. Actually I blurted it all out and he just said he loved me.

Help me figure my head out - but be gentle x

Oh OP, I do feel for you.

The first thing is, your ex is a shit. I would wish the new woman good luck as there is every chance he will be as awful to her as he was to you (though I hope not for her sake). He wasn't good for you and you deserve better.

Your new DP doesn't sound great, to be honest. The pronunciation and bad table manners are one thing, but it's totally unacceptable for him to emotionally manipulate you by turning up on your doorstep shaking if you don't have time to see him. Perhaps he does have anxiety but that isn't an excuse for treating you that way.

You deserve better than either of these men and you have to have confidence that better things are out there for you. It's not about whether your ex has a better life or has 'won' this situation - it's about you knowing your own value and not settling for abusive men who treat you badly

OP, your post has been shorted but it suggests you have been through one hell of a time. My genuine advice would be to end your current relationship and have some counselling. You need space and time to process all of the difficulties you’ve been though.

Your ex is horrible, and if his new partner is happy with him growing marijuana, that doesn't sound like happy families to me. Just fucked up families.

You know you need to dump your new DP. If even some of the smallest things are irritating you so much now, and he's being a manipulative git to boot, it's kinder to yourself to ditch him and enjoy your own company for a bit. There's nothing wrong with that, and it'll hopefully give you a chance to realise that you are enough, and you don't need a man to make you happy, given the current and the ex don't make you happy either.

Yes, I can see why you'd be bitter at the ex somehow coming out of all this somehow 'on top', but his type always blow it sooner or later. You're well rid, and you deserve to be happy, but that starts with being happy with your own company

You should break-up with this new bloke. It all sounds too suffocating and if after 4 months you're already feeling apprehensive about it; then better you bow out now. It doesn't get better. You'll only grow resentful of him - and you aren't responsible for teaching him how to conduct himself as an adult.

WRT the ex: As long as he's being responsible for DD then only time will heal the wounds of bitterness. When you catch yourself imagining them playing happy families; change your thoughts. Don't dwell. It is easier said than done - I know - but going over it and over it and dissecting it is the road to madness.

Wow I thought I'd get responses like "he treats you like a queen and you wanna end things?" I know how MN works ... I wasn't actually expecting the gentle treatment even though I asked for it. I expected you all to call me a complete cuntwomble and tell me to get over it.

I went through so much emotional abuse from my ex, I can't even begin to explain.

You've not done or said anything that would merit a 'cuntwomble', I'm afraid. Try harder next time ;)

Seriously, your confidence has been so badly undermined by your ex, but you don't have to accept anyone just because they want you. I don't think your current DP is treating you like a queen. He sounds controlling and a lot of hard work. Put yourself first. It's time.

I bet what your ex likes to put over is the sunny side of the egg. It will not be long before the horrid wibbily white bit makes an appearance. As to your relationship, you know he is not right for you...It may take a while but you will get there and find the right one. This one drives you nuts now, what state will he be in further down the line? Bin him gently but firmly and move on.

I think just because he supposedly treats you like a queen doesn’t mean you want to be with him and his showing up on the door step shows (to me at least) that he doesn’t respect your decisions and need for space.
If he’s not the one for you, he’s not the one for you. Focus on making you happy. You don’t need to be with someone for that

OP, your new DP could be the most amazing man on the planet, but if he is getting so badly on your nerves, then that’s all you need to know.

FWIW, the stuff that bugs you about him would make me want to hit him over the head with a shovel and bury him under the patio. The turning up in your door shaking thing is one giant red flag, with the worlds ‘This Is Not Normal’ written on it.

Next time, maybe take things more slowly? It sounds like this has all progressed very quickly, especially considering there are children involved and you don’t really know this guy very well...and what you do know, you don’t always like. It’s too early to be irritated by someone. These things will only bug you more, given time.

What your family think means nothing...they’re not going out with him. And neither should you be. Hold out for a really great guy, not someone who is annoying and obsessed with you.

He doesnt treat you like a queen though. He doesn’t respect your request for privacy and he uses his anxiety to manipulate you.

You don’t love him. Let him go.

The ex is clearly dreadful. You are well rid. He’s hardly having a perfect life with a possible drugs conviction hanging over him.

Be single for a while.

The new guy would be a bit too much for me, I'm afraid. I wouldn't be able to get over the lack of proper pronounciation, and the turning up on my door would drive me insane. I'd ditch him, and think about getting a cat, or a dog. Great company without the demands of an overly emotional relationship. Enjoy being single.

Your ex is a twat, but there's nothing you can do about that. I'd focus on trying to be grateful that your dd gets on with the GFS DD, and the gf. Hopefully having the gf there for contact would mean that there's a responsible, or semi responsible adult looking after her.

I ended it with my DP .... he hasn't taken it very well :-( I was really nice about it and just explained it wasn't feeling right for me and that I needed some space for a while....

He has messaged me over 20 times telling me he loves me, doesn't want to lose me etc.

I am sure it was the right decision even though I do feel sad about it.

Well done.

Now, block him. Don't give him the opportunity to contact you. You don't need his guilt trips

Have you ever thought of doing the Freedom Programme?

Bin him. It's just a different form of abuse.

Sorry, x posted. If he threatens suicide or whatever just ignore him.

The fact he messaged you over 20 times in one afternoon after FOUR MONTHS tells you you did the right thing. Way too intense.

Something about your post tells me you haven’t had great relationships modelled to you as you grew up (like me).

You don’t need to be treated like a queen - you need to be treated like a whole person - fallible, emotional, with real needs.

It’s not normal to turn up at someone’s door if you can’t see them - it’s unbalanced. It doesn’t show he cares for you - it shows he cares more about how HE feels.

As for your ex - he’s a proper tool - just keep telling yourself the longer you aren’t with him the less of a dysfunctional upbringing you are giving her. She will thank you for staying away from him.

Stick to your guns and don't introduce future dates to your children so soon.

Quite often it seems ex partners are having a better time because unfortunately, there always seem to be people who are so desperate to be in relationships that they ignore previous abuse or criminal activity.

Don't move down to that level. Set a bar that someone has to reach up to.

You have to kiss a fair few frogs to find a decent guy. So you’ve rid of the needy guy and now you can concentrate on finding someone who treats you like a queen and respects your freedom. I’m always wary of any guy who is too intense- what were they doing before you came along if they have all these hours to text you and turn up on your doorstep

so new ex DP has asked me to sit down and talk. I've agreed because I want to give him proper closure. He still feels we can resolve this and I need to let him down gently. Advice / suggestions?

I've appreciated all of the replies. I don't feel the need to block him because he isn't an asshole, he is just a nice guy with issues and not the right guy for me.

Regarding my daughter's dad ... the police contacted me today regarding another matter. There is a set of safeguarding questions that they ask you and I had to answer truthfully that he had put his hands around my throat during sex play (he got me very drunk) and had sex with me while I was unconscious. Police were concerned that at the least this was rape and at the worst, potentially attempted murder!!

Rocked my world -- feeling very weird now. It will be his word against mine and we are going back 2.5 years to when we were together. Has anyone else reported rape in retrospect while in a relationship?

You’ve done the right thing with current bloke. Say what you’ve said here in that he’s a nice bloke, but he’s not right for you and stick to that.

As for the ex, do you really think that things will be rosy for long? He won’t be able to keep that up. Pity his new girlfriend and any kids involved instead.

You need time to find out who you are. Just take a breather from it all.

Do not meet now-Ex DP in your home. Meet him in public. Coffee place somewhere.

It's sweet that you want to give him closure, but you already know he's just going to use the contact to try and convince you to get back together.

Please also be careful with now-Ex DP. Sweet men who suffer from anxiety and turn up trembling on your doorstep may turn quite violent when denied the relationship they desire!

1. You do not see any future in the relationship as you need your own space.
2. No but there was a MNetter who had something similar on here, a questionnaire where she felt she had had coercive sex during PND iirc. The police wanted to take it further but it did not end in a prosecution.

The attempted murder is a stretch but the lack of consent when drunk would be a prosecutable offence. What it means for you, your child together, custody, social services involvement etc I don't know. An ex started having sex with me when I was asleep once, he claimed he thought I was awake. Would I touch that with a 40 foot pole now, no, not unless I genuinely thought it was deliberate and he was a danger to other women but the circumstances were very very different to yours.

If he had anxiety he would not be turning up at your doorstep he would most likely go quiet for a few days!

While I understand wanting to let him down gently, please don’t let him promise you the earth and win you back. He is who he is and the things that irritate you - and are worrying behaviour - are not going to permanently go away.

As for your ex-ex...thank god you are not still with him. While he and his gf may seem like a happy family, either he is keeping up an appearance for the moment, or she is already suffering. He also has not changed.

Why do you feel that you need to give him 'closure'?