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[guitarlady]

Long post ... grab a glass of wine or a cuppa ... I need some help to understand why I feel completely unreasonable about my ex AND about my current relationship.

I have a 6yr old DD with my ex and I am really struggling with the fact he is now playing happy familes with his girlfriend and her DD who is 9.

Backstory - we were together on and off for about 8 years. There are police records of domestic abuse that I logged with police for info but never had him charged with anything because I was scared of the fall-out. He was controlling & manipulative and I felt my life would be worse I took it further. I was completely in love with him - totally rose tinted specs! My friends and family hated him for what he put me through and the best thing I ever did was walking away... but it took me a very long time and I guess I always figured we'd end up together somehow anyway. That's the short version!

We split 2 years ago and in January he was arrested for growing cannabis. I reported him to the police because DD said she slept in Daddy's bed with him as Daddy was growing smelly trees in the bedrooms. I don't know what is happening with his case, he won't tell me and it looks like he will get away with it - including benefit fraud as it's been months now ....

Social services got involved from the police report - it is such a long story and I am trying to cut it down. Basically I was advised to stop contact between DD and my ex ... which I did until I heard from the social worker. Obvs the police removed the cannabis plants and as it was a pre-arranged visit from s/servs, his house was squeaky clean and he'd set up a bedroom for her.

s/worker advised my ex wasn't taking the cannabis seriously and was trying to pass it off as medical use. The report lists him as responsible for child neglect and drug misuse in reference to DD, and domestic violence towards me. Social services obvs have access to the police database and it lists a few incidents between 2013 and now. The report also states that he and I need to come to an arrangement to re-establish contact with DD again.

Let it be said as soon as I heard verbally from the s/worker - without waiting for the printed report, I reinstated contact based on our prev arrangement where he has her 2 nights a week.

In the meantime, 4 months ago I met a lovely man - he is a few years older than me (not a problem) and treats me like a queen! He has met all of my kids including my older teenagers from my prev marriage. My friends and family all think he is great and see how happy I've been since I met him. He has introduced me to all of his friends and I've met 2/3 of his kids. I only haven't met the 3rd one yet because of circumstances.

New guy has anxiety issues which I wasn't aware of when we first met and he has some really annoying quirks ... like finger pointing, saying things like "bovvered" instead of bothered and "wevver" instead of weather etc. His pronunciation drives me nuts. I was brought up to pronounce things properly because my mum grew up in a family where everyone dropped their H's and never pronounced things, so she was determined to do something with her life and not be like her siblings.

He also seems completely infatuated with me - almost too much in love with me after such a short time. If I cancel a date because I'm not feeling well or I just want an evening to myself, he turns up on the doorstep shaking due to his anxiety. If he says I love you, he will look at me and wait expectantly for me to say it back. He is also a complete child ... he came with me to take DD for a trip to the zoo and he got himself stuck inside a tunnel where the sign clearly said for up to 6 year olds. I was so embarrassed ...

I almost feel like I have the bum end of the deal. My ex is dating this woman who I have a feeling he cheated on me with anyway, my DD adores the OW's DD and as far as I'm aware he hasn't really had her by himself, it's always with this OW since I reinstated contact... meanwhile I have this lovely new guy who would do anything for me, but I look at him and just think ... well, I'm not sure.

It drives me nuts to think about my DD and her new friend playing happy families while I ... well I don't know. I kinda feel like my ex has the better deal after getting away with SO MUCH for so many years and now he's the one sitting there in this great new relationship playing happy families while my DP has SO MANY annoying quirks - he is a noisy eater, he ends up with food on his face after eating, the whole not pronouncing things properly ... the crying on my doorstep if I say I want some space, he points his fingers in a weird way, the acting like a child .... and yes, I've talked to him. Actually I blurted it all out and he just said he loved me.

Help me figure my head out - but be gentle x

Advice / suggestions?

Don't meet him because he'll try to manipulate you again.

I wouldn’t meet him. He’ll make it all about himself and his feelings. No good will come of meeting up.

I wanted to give him closure and explain my reasons properly, but he has been messaging me today telling me how much he is hurting. I cant help thinking its a form of nice guy manipulation and it is def not a good idea to meet up with him anytime soon.

Your new partner deserves better than you - you look down on him. Please finish with him and let him find someone nice who will love him for who he is.

@NewYearNewMe18

She has. I hope he has the decency to back the fuck off and refrain from harassing her.

OP I think it is for the best if you you text your recent ex and say ... i have explained why I don’t want to see you any more, please respect this. Please don’t try and contact me again.’

Then delete his number / block him.

You barely know one another - you were only seeing him for 16 weeks - and and his behaviour so soon into a relationship is unhealthy. It isn’t close he wants, he wants to talk you into taking him back. I really wouldn’t plan to meetup with him again.

I think that sounds wise, OP - he is being very over dramatic and over invested. The quicker you cut off contact, the quicker it’ll actually all be over.

I definitely find his reaction worrying - far, far too much considering how long you’ve been together.

I don't look down on him at all! Far from it. He is a very clever and talented guy, I felt proud to be with him and still do respect him highly for things he does for others (working with kids and adults who have learning disabilities) ... but the clingy and needy personality wasn't working for me. I think it's become even more obvious since I split with him as he is messaging constantly talking about all the things we did together and what he did for me.

After 4 months it just seems really concerning that he was SO into me ...

He just messaged again to tell me he is hurting and hates this. I don't want to get angry but after asking for space ...

Type this out ‘I’m blocking your number now, please don’t contact me again in any form’. Then block him.

If he shows up at your house, don’t engage. Just ring the police to come and have a word with him.

Nip it in the bud now or he’ll make a right pest if himself.

You are not getting the rough end of the stick being single you know. Being single is definitely always preferable to being with an abusive arsehole like your ex... you are lucky to have escaped him.

You don’t need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled. I would ditch the new DP as he sounds extremely unhinged and it’s the last thing you need. Remember, you are enough. You don’t need a man to complete you.

There it is. I was actually expecting this reaction from him. Please don't go to meet him. Block him everywhere and inform your family that he is displaying stalker tendencies and that they are not to give you any messages from him, and that they are not to give him any information about you.

Keep your eyes open in any places where he knows you are regularly.

I may sound like I'm overreacting, but unfortunately it is a distinct possibility that he will not take no for an answer.

So update ...
Since my original post late Friday night and me ending things with my new DP, he has messaged me over 170 times - mostly saying how he doesn't want to lose me, wants to fight for me etc ... he wrote me a poem (?!) but he has also messaged to tell me where he is and what he is doing. I've now had to resort to blocking him.

I asked him to give me space and today he showed up at my workplace with flowers and gifts! I was near the door when he arrived, told a colleague I couldn't handle this and I made my way to the other end of the building. Other staff did their best to try and let him know I was upset and didn't want to see him, but he made his way in to come and find me.

I work in a professional environment - this was the last thing I needed. I asked him calmly to please leave but he wouldn't listen and just kept telling me how much he loved me. At the very worst I could have lost my job over it (thankfully my boss was very understanding) but at the least, my colleagues and other visiting professionals all witnessed me crying my freakin' eyes out and this guy on his knees begging and pleading with me.

I want to think that he didn't realise what he was doing was unfair and completely manipulative - not to mention highly embarrassing for me. If he had just handed over the flowers etc and asked a colleague to please give them to me and let me know he'd called in, that could have been completely different.

I managed to get through the day, but I am now feeling really angry that he put me through this. All I'd asked for was some space ... I have sent him an email (as I've blocked him on all other forms of communication) asking him not to contact me again.

I have a bottle of wine, am in my PJs and Netflix lined up for when DD is in bed - I'll be fine x

Bloody hell, guitarlady. That is full on. I guess, if nothing else, at least you know now you’ve absolutely made the right decision and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I’m sorry he’s making this so difficult and embarrassing. I hope he gets the message soon.

I would not be surprised if this is only the start.

Also, does your company not have security or a reception? I would leave strict instructions not to allow him in and to call the police if he shows up.

Please change your locks and make sure your windows are secure.

He is EXACTLY the type that will stalk you and eventually harm you.

Yup. I’m entirely unsurprised. So sorry you had to go through that OP.

Keep all the texts and be clear - police if he comes near you. Every time.

I’d report him anyway myself.

I hope you’re feeling ok. So unfair for you to have to deal with this shit. What a tool he is.

he wrote me a poem

Did your ovaries shrivel and leave the building?

The next time he shows up or gets in touch. Ring.the.police

It may be the only way to nip it in the bud.

MorningsEleven
Did your ovaries shrivel and leave the building?

Along with all sense of sanity yeah

I can't say much about where I work without it being obvious, but it isn't a shop or company where the door is locked.

I will call the police if he shows up again. I am entirely gutted about the whole thing. I was single for 2 years before I met him.

This fella sounds a bit obsessed, tbh. It's worrying that someone who has so little respect for anyone else's boundaries is working with vulnerable people. If he harasses you again let him know that you don't want him to contact you and will report him if he carries on, which will affect his DBS for work.

After everything your dd's father has done I'm staggered hat you are sending him to stay with her 2 nights a week, tbh. If anything happens ss could consider that you have put her in harm's way. You can't rely on his girlfriend to look after her.

You need to give up your rose-tinted spectacles in respect of these dodgy men and redefine your life as yourself and your DD. The freedom programme might help.

Ok, you need to not engage with him at all. Perhaps one last, very clear text message that you cannot see him ever again and you wish him the best. Urge him to move on with his life. And then keep your eyes bloody peeled! Ensure that your life is not explicitly mapped out on your social media - he may be watching. Warn everyone about the crazy guy who is being scary - the more people that know, the more protection you can create. Start writing everything - all incidents - down. Block him on everything so you can't see his messages.
You may feel sad because the hopes you had for a new relationship has gone. And on paper, he looks great but the reality is that his personality is seriously off.
Plus a nice new guy would have helped eased the pain of your ex. But you are still very wrapped up in your ex and his life and the associated dramas with it. I'm not sure if the perfect man came knocking that you have the emotional space to give them. Whoever suggested that you have counselling was right - you need to work through all the issues that he created for you first before beginning a new relationship. Good luck

I have self referred to the time to talk service and have an initial phone appointment next week. This is a free service through the GP and hopefully I'll get 6 weeks free counselling to help sort my head out.

missymayhemsmum Regarding my DD's dad, I either reinstated contact or faced court papers to see her. I'm currently working on proving domestic violence (scanned in my s/servs reports today to email to a solicitor) so I can get legal aid and a residency order as he is now asking for 3 nights a week and more 50/50 custody that I will not entertain. Also now he no longer has the cannabis plants and has set up a bedroom for her, I don't have an "on paper" reason to stop her seeing him. I also think it would cause more harm than good in the long run to DD and no matter how much of a cockwomble her Dad is, he is still her Dad. I'd rather his new GF wasn't there when he sees her but I don't have the audacity to dictate that to him - he would only kick off and cause more problems.

Social media - I only ever tag myself in locations for photos etc once I am home.

OP is it very wrong that I am dying to read the poem 😂😂 sounds like a very lucky escape!

willynillypie out of respect I won't post the poem - it was touching ...